#81 Astro-Zombies (1968)

A women drives home and is stabbed to death by a man in a skull like mask. A group of toy robots and a toy tank battle on the sidewalk by a smoke machine. A seemingly dead man is dragged away from his wrecked car. A tape recorder rewinds. Another man drives down the freeway. In his next feat, director Ted V Mikels will attempt to tie these unrelated plot strands (from the first five minutes of the movie) together. Except for the robots. I mean really, what the heck was that about? Although it made a hilarious title sequence, and is possibly my favourite scene of all.

Sadly the promise of a title such as Astro-Zombies isn't lived up to. There are no flesh eating creatures, a la George Romero. Nor are there any direct links to space. The first glimmer of a plot comes when we here CIA agents talk about a Doctor DeMarco (John Carradine), dismissed from the Space Agency for his experimentation on humans. He was working to create artificial people, using mechanical organs, that could be remotely controlled to conduct space missions. Naturally he continued his misguided experiments in a dungeon like basement, with a mute, short, hairy, immigrant assistant, named Franchot, and using the cadavers of criminals to create these prototpye 'Astro-Zombies'. Maybe those toy robots are a cunning metaphor for these manmade, brainless creatures. I could watch them for hours.



When Doctor DeMarco's first creation goes on a murderous rampage, rather than being the great benefit to mankind he envisaged, it gets the full attention of the CIA. He is also targeted by a group of unknown spies out for his scientific secrets. Headed by the iconic Tura Satana (best known from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!), a tedious game of cat and mouse investigations is played out. Satana (also the name of her character) commands attention with her striking long, thick eyelashes, and high slit silky dresses. A femme fatale looking as though she'd wandered off a Man From UNCLE set. Unfortunately she turns in an atrociously flat performance that stands out amongst a largely mediocre cast.



Astro-Zombies is very much a product of it's time, and one of the tamer, earlier exploitation films that were churned out on a tight budget for maximum bums on seats. It even has a kind of warning alarm when the killers attack, so you know when to shut your eyes. Although, aside from some brief gore in the finale, there's nothing all that gruesome even for the year. On the point of gratuitous bits, it's amusing to watch the lengthy dancing topless painted lady scene. It was still a time where that thin veneer of minority culture was necessary for a little titillation. No matter how irrelevant to the plot.

One thing I love about this period is the rich colours, oranges, reds, and the warm auburn tone of the film. It goes hand in hand with the tidy suits, JFK haircuts, attractive redheads, and sets made mostly from painted MDF. In terms of the special effects quality it does 'get by', but there is nothing to impress. The Astro-Zombies themselves look rather like Halloween masks. Fans of all things camp may find something to enjoy; certainly Satana's outfits would be a good starting point.



If this film was more widely circulated I predict that the phrase 'I'd rather watch paint dry' would soon be replaced by, 'I'd rather watch blood being drained from a cadaver.' Indeed, director Mikels is certainly not afraid to hold a shot for as long as it could possibly take to watch whatever isn't happening at the time. Let me paint you a picture. Dr DeMarco examines his solar powered mechanical heart with a lamp (light source) switched on. He switches the lamp off and notes the heart slow to a stop. He switches it on again. His assisent Franchot comes over, and the doctor gives a simple yet detailed explaination of the device. DeMarco turns the lamp off, then goes and fiddles with some circuitry on another table. Franchot looks at the heart and turns the lamp on. Watches. Then turns it off. DeMarco closely examines a microchip held in a pair of tweezers. Franchot turns the lamp on. DeMarco spouts a little technobabble about the circuits. Franchot looks at the circuits. DeMarco goes to fiddle with the settings on a large dialed instrument. Franchot smiles at the circuits. DeMarco.... GET ON WITH THE MOVIE!



This is sadly what occurs in almost all of John Carradine's scenes, and the excitement levels rarely increase throughout the movie. Carradine's suitably gaunt figure and strong delivery are wasted. As you can tell, some will find this an excellent insomnia cure. However, while at first this leaden story feels like torture, it soon becomes surprisingly funny. There's something cruelly hilarious about the poorly crafted stereotypes, and hackneyed production. Give this script to a trendy modern director like, dar I say it - McG, and this would probably be over in ten minutes. Give it to Spike Jonez and it could be a masterpiece full of toy robots. Lovin' those robots. Whereas Mikels doesn't seem to know what to do with it at all.



The objective part of my brain is telling me this is awful, but it also had me in hysterical disbelief. Perhaps a suitable candidate for the now reformed Mystery Science Theatre 3000 crew - now producing under the name Cinematic Titantic [/end plug]. If you enjoy these silly films as much as I do, then it makes for half decent entertainment with a few like minded friends. For most the slow pace and confusingly presented plot will be a major turn-off. I've still no idea why or where the bikini babe strapped to a table came from, went, or was going to be used for? On the other hand there is something endearing about it in an Ed Woodian kind of way.

Amazingly writer and director Ted V Mikels made a remake/sequel called Mark of the Astro-Zombies in 2002. It even starred Tura Satana.

[2.4/10 | 796 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Tasty Fish - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Steaming Turd - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#82 Galaxina (1980)

As I watch my way through some of the most disliked films on the planet, I take care to give them as fair a hearing as possible. One way of doing this is to not research or read anything about the film before actually watching it. It's something I like to do with all films. Without too many expectations or pre-connotations, it allows the film to speak for itself.

Galaxina starts with a Star Wars style roll of text setting the scene. Unfortunately set at such an angle that I had significant trouble reading it, admittedly on a smaller television. No problem I thought, as there was a second scene setter from a voice over; introducing us to the police spacecraft Infinity and it's ragtag crew in the year 3008. Along with it's grand classical music, and sweeping shots of model spaceships and space, I wondered if I was in for a 2001 wannabe. However, the crew were quirky to say the least, giving off more of a Dark Star vibe than anything else. Perhaps I've stumbled onto to an under-rated maverick, artsy, low-budget, intellectual film? It wasn't until nearly 15 minutes into the film, and the introduction of a character named Captain Cornelius Butt, I realised this was supposed to be a comedy. Yes, Galaxina is a 'wacky' spoof of popular films of the time, such as Star Wars, Alien, and Star Trek - but not as we know it.

Storywise, things are rather sparse, allowing more time to focus on characters for the jokes. Essentially the crew of the Infinity have been ordered to find a mystical artifact named The Blue Star, after an encounter with an alien they believe may know it's whereabouts. They never really say what this Blue Star is though. What use or threat it may be. How it suddenly surfaced. All we know is that every time someone says 'Blue Star', we get a fanfare chorus of 'Aaaahhaaaahhh!' in the background, and all the characters look around perplexed by the noise. Eventually that almost becomes funny, but it hasn't dated well.



In fact, that's probably the best description for most of the film. Much of it feels both dated and poorly realised. Jokes run on too long. There's an over reliance on rehashed crudity, like sticking a paper bag over an alien prostitutes head. Thinking that just by having an extra dressed like Mr Spock, with odd shaped ears, and calling him Mr Spot... well.. it just isn't funny if they're not going to make an effort. Strangely, there are a lot of situations ripe for good laughs; the cannibal restaurant was an enormously missed opportunity. What's missing is solid punchlines and delivery, further harmed by the drawn out pace as they try to stretch the material to 90 minutes. An odd by product of all this is many of the intended funny scenes feel very weird and alien. A prime example being Captain Butt taking great pleasure throwing an alien prisoner's food at him; an alien that eats rocks. It bypasses funny moving quickly to bizarre police brutality.



The characters by and large are unsympathetic. Captain Butt (Avery Schreiber) is a pompous, authoritarian. Private Buzz (JD Hinton) is an imbecilic dodgers fan, dressed like he's heading down the rodeo. Sergeant Thor (Stephen Macht) doesn't really have a character, whilst his subplot is about his growing infatuation with the service android that runs the ship. Bringing me finally to Galaxina; an android in female form that would short more than a few of Data's circuits. She is played by Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten, who went on to become Playmate of the Year 1980. While her acting CV is short, she certainly has all the requirements for prancing about in skimpy maid outfits, and a skintight latex jumpsuit. It's hard to know if she's a wooden actress or trying to act the part of an emotionless, mute, android. Thankfully for her, the role probably covers a multitude of sins. Allowing us more time to focus on the assets she was hired for. Besides, the average standard of acting here is, well, average to be generous. So no one's really out of place.



A lot of the best characters and material come from the supporting cast. For instance, there is a completely random pipe smoking Chinaman just sat in the ships hold. Probably the funniest person in the film by virtue of being so out of place. The obligatory villain is also enjoyably over the top. Dressed in robes and a mask with a big booming voice, looking like he's lost his way out of a Greek tragedy. He's actually one of the better looking aliens in the film, as they start to look cheaper the further you get through the film. It's not that the effects are outright bad, I quite like much of the design in the Inifinity, more that they clearly have a limited budget. There's a certain amount of charm in it, and you have to remember this is 1980. Some of the cinematography is surprisingly good. One amusing cut corner is the use of sound effects for doors and red alerts taken from Star Trek.



It seems clear than writer director William Sachs was going for a laddish jaunt round the universe, full of 'out there' situations, and misfit characters. Whereas the final product is a mish mash of poorly edited, flat gags, unnatural dialogue, and incongruous arty scenes like an opera singing frog-women. When the competition at the box office that month is Airplane, the difference in quality is put into sharp perspective. Galaxina can't even compete with The Ice Pirates. Sadly the most notable thing about it is the tragic murder of it's leading lady, soon after the film's release, at the tender age of 20. Despite having savaged the film, I didn't hate it. It simply failed to deliver in a pretty big way. There will most likely be a niche audience that get a few kicks from it, but on the whole it's safer to save your pocket money.

[2.4/10 | 748 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Big Cigar - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Humble Pie - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#83 American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)

Face it. Bad movies will always be around. For every Atonement, you get a Transformers. Or should that be the other way around? That's the point, isn't it. One persons Champagne is anothers Special Brew. But since it's there, why not give it a try once in a while. You might be surprised. The American Ninja series is most definitely cheese. You can smell it a mile off. Somewhere between Miami Vice and Street Fighter you'll find this low budget beat 'em up series. After the modestly successful first installment, and the very so-so sequel, the third film sees changes to the previous cast and crew.

Michael Dudikoff has left, requiring a new lead character to be written in. Sean Dadivson, played by former karate champion David Bradley, happens to be another American raised in the arts of the ninja. Told in a remarkable flashback full of dry ice. He also happens to be an old friend of Curtis Powerhouse Jackson (Steve James - from the previous movies), and bumps into him at a Karate Championship. Despite the contrivances, Bradley makes for an equally good (read okay) lead.



The other big change is in the form of a new, and arguably better, director Cedric Sundstrom. American Ninja 2 had a very point and shoot feel about it. Whereas now there's a stronger emphasis on lighting and shadows. The overall feel is more in line with modern standards, so easier on the eye. The action scenes also have a little more urgency and realism about them, with less weapons than before; getting back to martial arts basics. I've only seen the previous movie, and know that fans generally view it as better. American Ninja 3 made it into the IMDB bottom 100 for a start, with part two escaping that embarrassment. Despite that I think the positions should be reversed, although there's very little in it. They're both dumb.

Plot-wise, we've moved on from the dreaded nemesis 'The Lion' of the second film, and now have to contend with 'The Cobra'. Sean (Bradley) discovers this ruthless businessman, who researches germ warfare to sell to terrorists, whilst searching for his kidnapped Ninja Master - kidnapped by ninjas of course. It's a simple linear story of investigation, but with that slower paced, night time moody atmosphere that 80s did so often. There's some mystery to hold the attention. However, it's still dogged by some fairly flat dialogue, and the supporting cast is weak, leading to some interminably dull scenes. Good job they threw in some random microlite action to spice things up. There's even a very prominant bit of 'Kilroy was here' graffiti for those that remember such things. Chuck in some personal tragedy and leave to fester.



On the downside, you may find yourself somewhat desensitized to ninjas by the end of it. They are literally wall to wall, appearing from thin air, and the plot gives no explanations as to why all these ninja are working for these nutters. Where do they come from? Is there a discount for buying in bulk? Another unfortunate side effect is that after seeing so many ninjas taken down by two guys, they start to lose their reputation. Maybe the next American Ninja will be a young Macauley Culkin, aka 'The Stoat'?

It would be very easy for me to deride this for lack of originality; the flying into the sunset shots, catching arrows with their bare hands, that last second burst of energy just at the brink of losing everything. The synthy soundtrack is also better left alone. I think the makers knew their limitations and simply decided to make a few bucks. A bit cynical, but there you go. The end product is a reflection of all the excesses of that era, done on the cheap. If your a fan of the 80s (as I am) then it's actually quite fun. Amongst the wooden acting, video game plots, mindless fighting, endless ninjas, and Curtis Jackson's quips, there is enough schoolboy charm and sillyness to keep me watching and amused. Fans of films like Roadhouse would probably find this hammier, but a laugh. It sure ain't art, but what the heck. If you want some bone crunching throwaway giggles, there is worse out there.

[2.6/10 | 1,184 Votes | as of 17th July 2007]

So far:
Best film – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst film – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#84 Bloodrayne (2005) again...

Yes, it's that bad it sunk even lower in the ratings. Rather than bore you with yet more details of how awful this film is, I will sum it up in pictures.







Happy Halloween...

#85 Pinata: Survival Island (2002)

[aka Demon Island]

Would I rather watch Pinata, or be a Pinata? Tough question. Both involve a fair amount of suffering.

Everything starts with a history lesson told by a gravely ethnic voice. Telling the tale of a Mexican village over a hundred years ago suffering from droughts and famine, believing they are cursed by evil spirits. A shaman conducts a ritual (pig hearts and all) to trap the evil that plagues the land inside a pinata. Then they chucked it in the river and ate a load of candy. There were apparently no fly-tipping laws in those days.

Cut to 2001, a sunny island, pop music, lots of skin baring college teens having a water fight. They're on a bizarre charity scavenger hunt that involves collecting thousands of pairs of underwear all over the island. Whilst handcuffed together in pairs. Soon enough someone finds a washed up pinata and does what any self respecting, drug fuelled, panty hunting teen would do. Hit it with a stick. I'm sure everyone knows what will follow.



Written and directed by what I will assume is the Hillenbrand brothers, Scott and David, their previous offering was King Cobra – a sequel to Anaconda. Enough said already I think, but I should give them a fair hearing. It's rubbish. Another 'teens die horribly' film. All the usual rules apply; smoke drugs – die, get jiggy – die, make bad jokes – die. All thanks to the NIMBY tribe. Speaking of which that intro sequence tells you the entire plot, destroying any chance of some potentially fun surprises. Then the Hillenbrand brothers have the gall to explain it all again later for the benefit of the dying teens. It's this kind of lazy film-making that typifies Pinata. I can only conclude that this movie was more about getting a quick buck off the Hollywood horror obsession that's been going strong for nearly a decade.

For the most part the camerawork is about as mundane as possible, aside from some random slow motion shots at inappropriate moments, and really ugly point of view shots from the pinata bearing a loose similarity to Predator. Other than the modern effects and video quality the whole film is very reminiscent of the cheap schlock that came out in the straight to video horror craze of the eighties. This wouldn't be as bad as it is if it didn't take itself so seriously. How that's possible with a killer pinata I don't know. It lacks atmosphere, and the story is on such well-trodden ground I doubt even the best directors could do much to improve it without a total overhaul. The core audience for this type of movie will be wanting cheap thrills, and while there is a little gore it generally fails to deliver. It barely deserves the 18 rating, probably best used to spare as many people as possible from watching it.



The pinata monster looks sort of cool (in a cheesy way) in the brief moments where it's a man in a suit. Then suddenly starts looking like a cheap rejected computer game sequence when the CGI takes over. And it takes over far too much and in the most under-whelming fashion thinkable. One of our sweet filled friend's chosen methods of death is of course hitting people with a stick. I guess it's supposed to be ironic, but ends up looking cheap. It may have been a wasted opportunity to set things on a tropical island. Imagine if the pinata had crashed a pool hall, and all the glorious potential stick hitting action. Perhaps even more amusingly I've actually seen stick hitting deaths done far better in other films, such as Sleepaway Camp 2. No kidding.

The acting is of the sort of standard you could expect from taking the supporting cast from numerous TV shows, and it's not too far from what they've done. There are no great performances, though it's all very easy on the eye. The leads are played by Nicholas Brendon (who was Xander in Buffy), and Jaime Pressly, whose other roles include Poison Ivy: The New Seduction and The Karate Dog. After that it's faceless, one dimensional, pinata fodder.



I've no sympathy for this movie. It gives horror a bad name, and for it has rightfully sunk into the IMDb bottom 100, scoring an average of 2.6 out of a possible 10, with 1,341 votes (as of 17th July). The tagline reads 'A weekend to dismember.' Just forget it.


So far:
Yay – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Yeuck – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#86 Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994)

When I started this thing I thought I'd missed a bullet, as this film moved from No.91 and out of the bottom 100 when I updated my buying list some time ago. Unfortunately it has now fallen back down to an even lower position of No.86, scoring an average of 2.6 with 8,569 votes. (as of 17th July 2007). However, while I was really expecting to loathe this film (the sort of film that relies on kicking a grown man in the knackers for it best laughs), it's actually just fairly average. A lightweight comedy trying to cater for the remaining fans of the series, but failing to grab the wider audience. I've seen all the Police Academy films, and they do get worse with every installment, with this one being the exception. Part 6 (City Under Siege) was utter garbage, and so Mission to Moscow is a minor improvement on it.

The plot kicks off as some of our Police Academy regulars are invited to Russia to help investigate the Russian Mafia. Soon things centre around a computer game, funded by the Russian Mafia, simply called 'The Game'. It's highly addictive, and why are the Mafia behind it? It's a pretty tenuous storyline, but that's hardly anything new. Much stranger is how any of these guys are still employed. Captain Harris (GW Bailey) has become a more and more bizarre character over the years. Turning from an arrogant and strict character into one that likes to undermine his own officers with little motive other than shenanigans.

Of the regular cast we also have my favourite, Commandant Lassard (George Gaynes) who was 77 years old when this was filmed. Sgt. Jones (Michael Winslow) best known as the guy who does the funny noises. He's underused this time, and no where near as funny compared to earlier films. Sgt. Tackleberry (David Graf) who isn't just gun crazy but somewhat unhinged as he rants on about excessive force restrictions. And Capt. Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), who is contractually obliged to end up in some very supportive lingerie before the credits roll. In addition to them we have another youngun trying to take on the Guttenberg mantle in the shape of Cadet Connors (Charlie Schlatter).

Surprisingly this appears to be quite a big production compared to previous films in the series, what with filming in Russia, including Gorky Park and Red Square. They also have some bigger named actors at various stages of their careers. Claire Forlani (Meet Joe Black) plays the obligatory beautiful Russian cop love interest. Christopher Lee (Lord of the Rings) is the Russian Commandant Rakov, and gets to shout at the useless Americans and kiss Lassard (surely the biggest draw the film has). Then there's Ron Perlman in full on caricature Mafia Boss mode as Konstantine Konali. He's a very naughty boy.

It's an eclectic cast that don't sit together that well. The regulars appear to be mostly sleepwalking through their lines. While the new characters are putting in much more energetic, over the top, performances as the largely slapstick and goofy material suggests. And slapstick is certainly high on the agenda; with a strangely large amount of acrobatics. A character doesn't just fall over, they fall over backwards, flip round a couple of times, ricochet off an amusingly shaped object, get hit in the nuts to the sound of animal noises, then fall in the mud, which they slowly spit out. It's not all like that, in fact it's not even that creative. The series now exists in an exaggerated environment more like a cartoon, where high pitched singing can break glasses. Safe to say if that's not your cup of tea, then look away.

It's aiming for the big kid market, but lacks the charm, surrealism, or imagination of things like the Police Squad/Naked Gun series. Ending up feeling better to suited to children's entertainment, a change that has been evolving throughout the series. You'll not see any bare breasts like there were in the original Police Academy. A real shame with Claire Forlani now on board.

On the whole it's a valiant effort to revive the series; wanting to parody the cop genre in the same way that Happy Gilmore sends up the generic underdog film formula. Unfortunately, Mission to Moscow's humour is so tame it can never pull it off. Leaving it a very cliched and formulaic film with weak jokes. The script felt like it came from an automatic scene generator. Many scenes having no relevance to the main story, and would be more at home in a sketch show. Although one of the funniest parts was completely unrelated. A truly surreal subplot (or running gag) where he crashes a Russian families funeral and seems to get adopted by them. I question whether Lassard has slipped into full on dementia at last.

This should be an easy target, but I don't think it deserves the mandatory beating it regularly gets. By the halfway point it did feel a little like an anaesthetic. My mind was numbed. Not bothered or entertained. Simply watching, endlessly, into the nothing. I smirked in one or two places, so I'm sure some will enjoy it. Most likely anyone who really liked the previous two or three films. Some of the humour is directed squarely at fans of the series. So long as you aren't looking for a riveting realistic police story (Top Cat is grittier), and enjoy watching the continued humiliation of Captain Harris, then Mission to Moscow is watchable, if not actually any good.



So far:
Chocolate Eclair – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Rancid Lemon – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#87 The Neverending Story III: Escape From Fantasia (1994)

The original Neverending Story (1984) is without doubt a children's classic. The second installment in 1990 met with much criticism and disappointment, but nothing could prepare you for this contemptible disaster. Usually when I see a film that is generally considered bad, I can find something to invest a little interest in. Perhaps a good actor, a flawed idea that could have worked, some amusing mistakes, a good costume, funny dialogue. There's usually something to get hold of and empathise with the film-makers. This time I was clutching at straws through the pain.

To briefly summarize the plot, we meet Bastian Balthazar Bux (child cruelty?) who in the last two films helped save the magical world of Fantasia via a book called The Neverending Story. The book serves as a portal between the two worlds, and chronicles the adventures that occur. Whilst being chased by a group of school bullies called 'The Nasties', Balthazar hides in the books world of Fantasia. The Nasties read the book and, without batting an eyelid, quickly accept that it's all real because it describes everything going on around them. They decide to use the power of the book to destroy Fantasia and Bastian; just for a laugh it would seem. Meanwhile, Bastian must get back to the real world and get the book in order to stop them. Unfortunately, when he leaves Fantasia something goes wrong and and some of the fantastical looking citizens of Fantasia get trapped in the real world. It is vital that they be returned before Bastian can use a charm to fix Fantasia, or else they will be trapped in the real world.



Heading up the cast is Jack Black, in one of his earliest roles, as the leader of 'The Nasties'. Whilst he has a screen presence strong enough to leave Jason James Richter (the boy from Free Willy playing Bastian) in the shadows, he also plays it so hammy you'd think he was auditioning for the lead role of Babe 3: Porcine Holocaust. I realise that much of Jack Black's brand of humour comes from his excesses, but there is a lack of finesse here that when matched with the lazy script grates quite horribly.

The rest of the cast has seen numerous changes, so that it no longer stars anyone from either of the previous films. The biggest change is that every character from the world of Fantasia now sounds terminally stupid. Anyone from Fantasia basically gets stuck in the 'light relief rubber puppet' category and none can salvage a shred of integrity. It's a sorry state of affairs, as I recall the big pink dragon Falkor fondly from my youth, only to have him turned into a quipping buffoon. The final straw was a gag where he gets the horn for a street parade's Chinese dragon, to the great distress of it's occupants.



Another favourite, Rock-Biter (a giant man made of rock), gets a wife and kid in scenes reminiscent of a bad episode of Dinosaurs (90s sitcom). The costumes look like the cheap men in suits they are. There is nothing magical about watching him and his wife bicker and throw crockery at each other. The highlight of the entire film was watching Rock-Biter go shopping on his bike whilst singing “Born to be Wild”. Yes, it's a full on music sequence including 'comedy' running over puppets moments. The tiresome characters don't end there. We get a couple of gnomes (one played by Tony Robinson), whose entire contribution to the film is a half hour gag about needing to go pee. And a big rubbery fake tree man that sounds like Jimmy Durante; I wanted to kill it.



So the characters are uniformly awful, and the reason I've barely mentioned the human ones is because they are so dull and clichéd it hardly matters. There is a sub-plot (arguably the focal lesson of the movie) about Bastian's stepmother and sister, family strength against adversity and the like. It's trite Hollywood manipulation at it's worst. There are pop songs and pop culture references everywhere, from Arnold Schwarzenegger to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The most successful message the story carried was that kids should read more, and this movie provides the perfect motivation. I wanted to switch it off within half an hour, but managed to rubber-neck my way through it out of stubborn disbelief.

There is a long trend in franchise kids films that each sequel requires less subtlety and style than the one before, and director Peter 'Rambo III' MacDonald fulfils this requirement effortlessly. It really does look like no effort was made at all. Hardly surprising when handed a script fit only for a shredder. One of the biggest disappointments is the lack of fantasy elements that were so vivid in the first film. By quickly moving all the action to our reality, most of the awe evapourates. Worse still when the most memorable moments include a madcap chase through the mall. The plot goes nowhere, and the jokes are as obvious as they are unfunny. If you make it to the end credits you'll also be wowed by the two specially written songs, 'Dream On' and 'Mission of Love', which both name check the movie – sick buckets at the ready.

Having such a passionate dislike for The Neverending Story part 3: Escape to Fantasia (Phew – mouthful) worried me. Am I intolerant of children's movies? After all, they are meant for a less discerning viewer. Then I remind myself that the first film in this series is very good, a bank holiday favourite, and there are lots of good quality fantasies like The Dark Crystal and Lord of the Rings. It's just that The Neverending Movie Title (blah) is only likely to please people that are entertained by bright colours, silly voices, and fast moving objects. Not something you should be paying for. I feel so violently about this film if I were one of the unfortunate souls to appear even on the 'special thanks' credits, I would demand my name removed. Not so surprisingly the film was in the IMDB bottom 100 list; on 8th May 2007 it scored an average of 2.5 out of 10 from 1,876 votes. Awful film.


So far:
Best film – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst film – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)



Thankfully it did end.

#88 Prince of Space (1959)

[aka Yusei Oji, aka Planet Prince]

Produced in Japan in the late 50s, this is en early example of their boom in superhero films. For the supposed benefit of foreign audiences it has been dubbed into English. This is one film where, for the sake of the writers' reputation, I hope it's lost a lot in translation. In all fairness though, it may have lost something in it's adaptation. Prince of Space was originally transmitted as a series of 49 episodes, and from it two movies were made. The two movies were then edited into a single movie for American audiences. Knowing that the finished product is such an amalgam makes it harder to rate on normal terms, but I'll give it my best shot.

The story begins when a random spaceship turns up out of nowhere. It's leader, The Phantom of Krankor, hijacks the airwaves and announces they will soon land and make their demands. Then threatens they will obey or die, followed by his trademark “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” Yes. The guy doing the dubbing actually goes, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” in a slow, drawn out, stupid sounding way. So bad it's funny, and it will occur many many times before the end of the film.



The Phantom of planet Krankor is the sort of villain who likes to start speeches with, “Attention people of Earth.” He calls himself both an ambassador and a dictator at different times, and resembles a human being with a cheaply stuck on cardboard beak nose (the kind you might find in an xmas cracker), and a television aerial on his head. His fake moustache looks like it's upside down – although that could be an alien thing. I won't go too deeply into the frilly jacket and lack of proper undergarments. It's strange that even before he lands some scientists say they know what he wants; a new rocket fuel which will make space exploration easier. How they figured that, when the fuel hasn't been tested yet and he is already flying considerable distances in space, is anyone's guess. They even make the usual scare-mongering claims that if he gets the fuel then they could conquer the world in a week. Having absolutely zero knowledge of these aliens naturally doesn't affect any of their predications.

None of that really matters though as Price of Space also turns up out of nowhere to beat the aliens of Krankor into submission and send them home. Prince of Space comes with a full polyester outfit, short cape, plastic face mask, and trigger actioned multi-purpose stick. He can say a variety of phrases including, “I am Prince of Space” and ”Your weapons have no effect on me”.

On that note, amongst the frequent and pointless encounters between the Krankorians (Krankies?) and Prince of Space, he keeps telling them that their guns won't harm him or his ship. I guess because he's super. In response, The Phantom's great plan is to “get the laser canon!” Idiot. He continues to keep trying to shoot him, no matter that it always fails. At one point he tries to cook him in a special griddle weapon, but none of their weapons work. This is the major problem with Prince of Space – aside from the weird outfits. His only super-power is being invincible. There's no danger, and the whole thing becomes a very silly farce.

However, at the same time, this utter silliness is one of it's saving graces. All the over the top kids melodrama, with American square-jaw voices, and extremely corny dialogue, can be really funny. Once he says your weapons are useless for the tenth time I wanted to join in like a pantomime. In fact I think a theatre version is long overdue. The terrible acting of terrible characters (these are some of the thickest scientists I've ever seen) just adds to it. I wish my knowledge of Japanese B-movie cast and crew was a little better so I could point out the repeat offenders, but everyone here fits the bill. Whoever thought to name the main town Beaver Falls should have realised how stupid it sounds in a Japanese film. Just one of the many chuckles.

It's a traditionally cheap and cheerful production, with kids in mind. As usual some irritating kids become central to the action, exclaiming “Prince of Space, woot, yay” at any given opportunity. It's filled with the usual stock sound effects of musical saws, possibly a theremin. The Krankor spaceship is actually quite a cool design in a retro way. It all boils down to a very dated film that most will either love or hate. It's a thumbs... well... paw up from me, and makes it to my favourite film in the B100 yet.

So far:
Favourite – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Horrible – #95 The King and I (1999)

And the usual stats: On 8th may 2007 Prince of Space featured at number 88 on the IMDB bottom 100 list, with a total of 1,055 votes, giving it an average of 2.5 out of 10.

Just as a note, I've let these build up a little so expect quite a few more over the coming days...

#89 Bloodrayne (2005)

Bloodrayne started life as a computer game, but I've never played it, so I'm reviewing this film entirely on its own merits. I've never seen a film by director Uwe Boll before, and if this is indicative of his style and talent I hope never to see one again. In recent years he seems to enjoy adapting video games, with titles like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, Dungeon Siege, and this autumn's Postal. He also seems to enjoy violence, gore and boobies, which Bloodrayne provides in perhaps overly generous portions. Okay, let's be honest – this is just plain gratuitous. Gratuitous unoriginal nonsense at that.

The plot is... um... confusing and forgettable, as I'm proving now. Essentially the central character Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a half human, half vampire person who kills really well. She is out to kill a nasty top dog vampire called Kagan (Ben Kingsley), and must collect some magical wotsit in order to do it. Other than that there is some personal tragedy back story, weird tribal posturing involving numerous cameo roles and a lot of blood. It feels like a poor Blade rip-off, which is probably where the computer game got it's inspiration. Once returned to the silver screen, Boll's direction takes a poor script (name and shame Guinevere Turner) and drives it into the ground, leaving a disjointed and gaudy mess.



Right from the start it's full of special effects, wobbly backgrounds, shaky cam, stylistic colour corrections for super-dramatic sunsets, jump cuts. Unfortunately it largely undermines a few effectively brutal moments scattered about the film. Then further undermined as each fight scene tries to outdo the last with ever more outlandish and disgusting scenes of murder. Decapitations, scalping, drawn out torture, various impalings through every part of the body, every possible limb is severed. The list goes on as the viewer becomes increasingly desensitised. The effects themselves are pretty good, whilst the fighting is quite implausibly over the top. However, one of the few things that kept me watching was to see how far they could up the ante on the gore.

The root of Bloodrayne's problems are that it has a weak structure that feels very much like watching a video game being played. It's mostly action scenes broken up by brief conversations and clues, which serve only to give exposition on the plot, and leaves the characters feeling barely two dimensional. Worse still, it fails to adequately get the plot across to those unfamiliar with the game. I could loosely tell what was going on, but only in the vaguest terms and with no vested interest in any of the characters.

Michael Madsen's character is introduced early on as a hard-nosed vampire killer in the blackest of manners, determined, and absent of emotion. He also seems thoroughly bored to even be there. With him is Michelle Rodriguez (currently in Lost), providing one of the more engaging performances, and Matthew Davis (who?) doing his best impression of dish water. In an attempt to entice more hapless viewers there are various dodgy cameos. Ben Kingsley's being the most notable as it's a vital role and yet has little actual screen time. He adds some authority to a an underwritten part, but again looks as lifeless as his undead character. Billy Zane appears – I have yet to appreciate the reason why. At least he looked good. Then Meat Loaf spends a couple of scenes giving his best vampiric version of Hermann Goring.



I do wonder if the writers looked at the script and thought, “we haven't filled all the prerequisites for a tasteless adolescent fantasy yet.” So they randomly have two characters have a big sex scene and later try to make out there is some kind of genuine relationship. It's a pretty pathetic bums-on-seats attitude to film-making when they should have been paying attention to story-telling. Further pointless excesses and clichés include lesbian kissing, surprise family members, and a tooled up training sequence.

In the second act it tries to create a brooding uncertain atmosphere. Building up the tension between characters, the tribal war games between head vampires. Due to the paper thin characters and lack of an inventive plot it plunges the film into a series of painfully dull and overblown sequences. Bloodrayne disappears up it's own arse as it uses every trick off the Lord of the Rings extras disc to aspire to an epic level it has no chance of reaching.

Then the most puzzling excess of all. At the end of the film, before rolling the credits we get what I can only describe as a two minute Montage of Blood. A compilation of all the most gruesome moments from the film crammed together for no reason whatsoever. I was simultaneously gob-smacked and in hysterics at the sheer audacity.



Bloodrayne deserves it's embarrassingly poor status on the internet. As of 8th May 2007 it had an average score of 2.5 out of ten, from 9,660 votes. Shockingly a sequel is on the way later this year, and Uwe Boll is still directing it. There are times when words fail me... This isn't one of them. Do NOT watch this film.

And it got six nominations in the Razzie Awards.

So far:
Best film – #96 Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – #95 The King and I (1999)

#90. Teen Wolf Too (1987)

I've got to say that I enjoyed Teen Wolf. So this sequel always had something to live up to. The original was a highly silly, yet charming piece of 80s kitsch. As for Teen Wolf Too... well...

Jumping right in we meet Todd Howard, Scott's (Michael J Fox from the original) cousin. He has been dubiously offered a sports scholarship by a prestigious university's Dean, who in turn hopes he will turn Wolf and win... college boxing matches. All Todd wants to do is study to become a vet, but is under pressure to perform in the ring or loose his university place. The first thing I noticed when watching was that the plot is blatantly going to be exactly the same as the original. The second, from seeing John Astin (the original Gomez Addams and a veteran of the Killer Tomato movies) playing the Dean, it was clear this would be a much hammier and in your face movie.

There are a lot of returning characters from the first film, but not all played by the same people. Harold Howard (Scott's father and Todd's uncle), makes a couple of appearances. Oddly still played by the same actor, but the character feels totally different. Instead of being the previously wise and responsible father figure, he spends most of his time goading Todd to become a wolf and singing it's praises. Coach Finstock has for some reason stopped being a humourous, lethargic high school basketball coach, and gone into university boxing; even orchestrating the scholarship. He's also now played by Paul Sand (?) and is largely forgettable. Another previously favourite character of mine, Stiles, has also become a student here and had a face lift. Now played by Stuart Fratkin, he has little of the charm of his former, and a script which does him no favours; wheeling out the fart gags early on. One of the original basketball team, Chubbs, does return, with face intact. Although he too has made the contrived move to this university and switched his preferred sport to boxing. Perhaps he and Finstock made the decision together.

Jason Bateman heads up the cast as Todd Howard. Now best known for his role in Arrested Development, I'm afraid to say he shows little promise here. Admittedly there's not much to work with, but he only makes an impression thanks to turning into a wolf. The wolf this time round feels even more like a Jekyll character than before. Whilst Scott Howard had a desire to be the centre of attention and misguidedly uses the wolf to do so, here the transformation seduces Todd to act like an egotistical jerk against his will. It's reminiscent of Spiderman's recent transformation whilst wearing the Venom suit in Spiderman 3. The personality change goes to great extremes, as he degradingly catches frisbees with his teeth in the park, laughs at people being knocked off their bikes by his corvette, and then the crowning glory of the film. He sings “Do You Love Me?” on a balcony of a house party, with a full formation dance routine from the party guests. It's a jaw dropping moment of unintentional hilarity.

Staying with the wolf for a moment, the choice of boxing felt a tad misjudged. It was humourous watching a wolf slam dunking a basketball, and running the court. Whereas there's something uncomfortable about sticking a 6ft wolf into the ring to knock ten shades of crap out of a college kid. Maybe the university's next sporting initiative will be to put their youngsters into a caged arena with a rabid bobcat and a starved panther. Nevertheless we get a rocky style montage of the 'wolf too' beating and prancing his way through the matches. Even though most of the boxing material feels poorly tacked onto the plot.



As I've mentioned the script is essentially a remake, which is probably why Loeb and Weisman get 'story by' credits. It's the same story with a few changes of detail. The screenplay comes from Tim Kring, who went on to create and write TV series Heroes. Once again, he shows little promise at this stage of his career. The most inventive thing about Teen Wolf Too is probably it's title. The production values are low all round, as even the wolf mask is noticeably loose and rubbery. Stuart Fratkin has said that it was “One of the most tense sets I've ever worked on. Nobody seemed happy and the “Studio” (Atlantic Entertainment) put a lot of pressure on everybody to surpass the first one.” You can safely assume that they failed.



On 8th May 2007, Teen Wolf Too had an average score of 2.5 out of 10 from 3,550 votes. It placed at number 90 on the IMDB bottom 100.

Also, Teen Wolf is on the cards for a forthcoming remake – rumoured to have a female in the titular role.

So far:
Best film – Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – The King and I (1999)