[aka Demon Island]Would I rather watch Pinata, or be a Pinata? Tough question. Both involve a fair amount of suffering.
Everything starts with a history lesson told by a gravely ethnic voice. Telling the tale of a Mexican village over a hundred years ago suffering from droughts and famine, believing they are cursed by evil spirits. A shaman conducts a ritual (pig hearts and all) to trap the evil that plagues the land inside a pinata. Then they chucked it in the river and ate a load of candy. There were apparently no fly-tipping laws in those days.
Cut to 2001, a sunny island, pop music, lots of skin baring college teens having a water fight. They're on a bizarre charity scavenger hunt that involves collecting thousands of pairs of underwear all over the island. Whilst handcuffed together in pairs. Soon enough someone finds a washed up pinata and does what any self respecting, drug fuelled, panty hunting teen would do. Hit it with a stick. I'm sure everyone knows what will follow.
Written and directed by what I will assume is the Hillenbrand brothers, Scott and David, their previous offering was King Cobra – a sequel to Anaconda. Enough said already I think, but I should give them a fair hearing. It's rubbish. Another 'teens die horribly' film. All the usual rules apply; smoke drugs – die, get jiggy – die, make bad jokes – die. All thanks to the NIMBY tribe. Speaking of which that intro sequence tells you the entire plot, destroying any chance of some potentially fun surprises. Then the Hillenbrand brothers have the gall to explain it all again later for the benefit of the dying teens. It's this kind of lazy film-making that typifies Pinata. I can only conclude that this movie was more about getting a quick buck off the Hollywood horror obsession that's been going strong for nearly a decade.
For the most part the camerawork is about as mundane as possible, aside from some random slow motion shots at inappropriate moments, and really ugly point of view shots from the pinata bearing a loose similarity to Predator. Other than the modern effects and video quality the whole film is very reminiscent of the cheap schlock that came out in the straight to video horror craze of the eighties. This wouldn't be as bad as it is if it didn't take itself so seriously. How that's possible with a killer pinata I don't know. It lacks atmosphere, and the story is on such well-trodden ground I doubt even the best directors could do much to improve it without a total overhaul. The core audience for this type of movie will be wanting cheap thrills, and while there is a little gore it generally fails to deliver. It barely deserves the 18 rating, probably best used to spare as many people as possible from watching it.
The pinata monster looks sort of cool (in a cheesy way) in the brief moments where it's a man in a suit. Then suddenly starts looking like a cheap rejected computer game sequence when the CGI takes over. And it takes over far too much and in the most under-whelming fashion thinkable. One of our sweet filled friend's chosen methods of death is of course hitting people with a stick. I guess it's supposed to be ironic, but ends up looking cheap. It may have been a wasted opportunity to set things on a tropical island. Imagine if the pinata had crashed a pool hall, and all the glorious potential stick hitting action. Perhaps even more amusingly I've actually seen stick hitting deaths done far better in other films, such as Sleepaway Camp 2. No kidding.
The acting is of the sort of standard you could expect from taking the supporting cast from numerous TV shows, and it's not too far from what they've done. There are no great performances, though it's all very easy on the eye. The leads are played by Nicholas Brendon (who was Xander in Buffy), and Jaime Pressly, whose other roles include Poison Ivy: The New Seduction and The Karate Dog. After that it's faceless, one dimensional, pinata fodder.
I've no sympathy for this movie. It gives horror a bad name, and for it has rightfully sunk into the IMDb bottom 100, scoring an average of 2.6 out of a possible 10, with 1,341 votes (as of 17th July). The tagline reads 'A weekend to dismember.' Just forget it.
So far:
Yay – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Yeuck – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)
When I started this thing I thought I'd missed a bullet, as this film moved from No.91 and out of the bottom 100 when I updated my buying list some time ago. Unfortunately it has now fallen back down to an even lower position of No.86, scoring an average of 2.6 with 8,569 votes. (as of 17th July 2007). However, while I was really expecting to loathe this film (the sort of film that relies on kicking a grown man in the knackers for it best laughs), it's actually just fairly average. A lightweight comedy trying to cater for the remaining fans of the series, but failing to grab the wider audience. I've seen all the Police Academy films, and they do get worse with every installment, with this one being the exception. Part 6 (City Under Siege) was utter garbage, and so Mission to Moscow is a minor improvement on it. 
The plot kicks off as some of our Police Academy regulars are invited to Russia to help investigate the Russian Mafia. Soon things centre around a computer game, funded by the Russian Mafia, simply called 'The Game'. It's highly addictive, and why are the Mafia behind it? It's a pretty tenuous storyline, but that's hardly anything new. Much stranger is how any of these guys are still employed. Captain Harris (GW Bailey) has become a more and more bizarre character over the years. Turning from an arrogant and strict character into one that likes to undermine his own officers with little motive other than shenanigans.
Of the regular cast we also have my favourite, Commandant Lassard (George Gaynes) who was 77 years old when this was filmed. Sgt. Jones (Michael Winslow) best known as the guy who does the funny noises. He's underused this time, and no where near as funny compared to earlier films. Sgt. Tackleberry (David Graf) who isn't just gun crazy but somewhat unhinged as he rants on about excessive force restrictions. And Capt. Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), who is contractually obliged to end up in some very supportive lingerie before the credits roll. In addition to them we have another youngun trying to take on the Guttenberg mantle in the shape of Cadet Connors (Charlie Schlatter). 
Surprisingly this appears to be quite a big production compared to previous films in the series, what with filming in Russia, including Gorky Park and Red Square. They also have some bigger named actors at various stages of their careers. Claire Forlani (Meet Joe Black) plays the obligatory beautiful Russian cop love interest. Christopher Lee (Lord of the Rings) is the Russian Commandant Rakov, and gets to shout at the useless Americans and kiss Lassard (surely the biggest draw the film has). Then there's Ron Perlman in full on caricature Mafia Boss mode as Konstantine Konali. He's a very naughty boy. 
It's an eclectic cast that don't sit together that well. The regulars appear to be mostly sleepwalking through their lines. While the new characters are putting in much more energetic, over the top, performances as the largely slapstick and goofy material suggests. And slapstick is certainly high on the agenda; with a strangely large amount of acrobatics. A character doesn't just fall over, they fall over backwards, flip round a couple of times, ricochet off an amusingly shaped object, get hit in the nuts to the sound of animal noises, then fall in the mud, which they slowly spit out. It's not all like that, in fact it's not even that creative. The series now exists in an exaggerated environment more like a cartoon, where high pitched singing can break glasses. Safe to say if that's not your cup of tea, then look away. 
It's aiming for the big kid market, but lacks the charm, surrealism, or imagination of things like the Police Squad/Naked Gun series. Ending up feeling better to suited to children's entertainment, a change that has been evolving throughout the series. You'll not see any bare breasts like there were in the original Police Academy. A real shame with Claire Forlani now on board. 
On the whole it's a valiant effort to revive the series; wanting to parody the cop genre in the same way that Happy Gilmore sends up the generic underdog film formula. Unfortunately, Mission to Moscow's humour is so tame it can never pull it off. Leaving it a very cliched and formulaic film with weak jokes. The script felt like it came from an automatic scene generator. Many scenes having no relevance to the main story, and would be more at home in a sketch show. Although one of the funniest parts was completely unrelated. A truly surreal subplot (or running gag) where he crashes a Russian families funeral and seems to get adopted by them. I question whether Lassard has slipped into full on dementia at last. 
This should be an easy target, but I don't think it deserves the mandatory beating it regularly gets. By the halfway point it did feel a little like an anaesthetic. My mind was numbed. Not bothered or entertained. Simply watching, endlessly, into the nothing. I smirked in one or two places, so I'm sure some will enjoy it. Most likely anyone who really liked the previous two or three films. Some of the humour is directed squarely at fans of the series. So long as you aren't looking for a riveting realistic police story (Top Cat is grittier), and enjoy watching the continued humiliation of Captain Harris, then Mission to Moscow is watchable, if not actually any good. 
The original Neverending Story (1984) is without doubt a children's classic. The second installment in 1990 met with much criticism and disappointment, but nothing could prepare you for this contemptible disaster. Usually when I see a film that is generally considered bad, I can find something to invest a little interest in. Perhaps a good actor, a flawed idea that could have worked, some amusing mistakes, a good costume, funny dialogue. There's usually something to get hold of and empathise with the film-makers. This time I was clutching at straws through the pain. 
There is a long trend in franchise kids films that each sequel requires less subtlety and style than the one before, and director Peter 'Rambo III' MacDonald fulfils this requirement effortlessly. It really does look like no effort was made at all. Hardly surprising when handed a script fit only for a shredder. One of the biggest disappointments is the lack of fantasy elements that were so vivid in the first film. By quickly moving all the action to our reality, most of the awe evapourates. Worse still when the most memorable moments include a madcap chase through the mall. The plot goes nowhere, and the jokes are as obvious as they are unfunny. If you make it to the end credits you'll also be wowed by the two specially written songs, 'Dream On' and 'Mission of Love', which both name check the movie – sick buckets at the ready. 
Having such a passionate dislike for The Neverending Story part 3: Escape to Fantasia (Phew – mouthful) worried me. Am I intolerant of children's movies? After all, they are meant for a less discerning viewer. Then I remind myself that the first film in this series is very good, a bank holiday favourite, and there are lots of good quality fantasies like The Dark Crystal and Lord of the Rings. It's just that The Neverending Movie Title (blah) is only likely to please people that are entertained by bright colours, silly voices, and fast moving objects. Not something you should be paying for. I feel so violently about this film if I were one of the unfortunate souls to appear even on the 'special thanks' credits, I would demand my name removed. Not so surprisingly the film was in the IMDB bottom 100 list; on 8th May 2007 it scored an average of 2.5 out of 10 from 1,876 votes. Awful film. 
Produced in Japan in the late 50s, this is en early example of their boom in superhero films. For the supposed benefit of foreign audiences it has been dubbed into English. This is one film where, for the sake of the writers' reputation, I hope it's lost a lot in translation. In all fairness though, it may have lost something in it's adaptation. Prince of Space was originally transmitted as a series of 49 episodes, and from it two movies were made. The two movies were then edited into a single movie for American audiences. Knowing that the finished product is such an amalgam makes it harder to rate on normal terms, but I'll give it my best shot.
On that note, amongst the frequent and pointless encounters between the Krankorians (Krankies?) and Prince of Space, he keeps telling them that their guns won't harm him or his ship. I guess because he's super. In response, The Phantom's great plan is to “get the laser canon!” Idiot. He continues to keep trying to shoot him, no matter that it always fails. At one point he tries to cook him in a special griddle weapon, but none of their weapons work. This is the major problem with Prince of Space – aside from the weird outfits. His only super-power is being invincible. There's no danger, and the whole thing becomes a very silly farce. 
However, at the same time, this utter silliness is one of it's saving graces. All the over the top kids melodrama, with American square-jaw voices, and extremely corny dialogue, can be really funny. Once he says your weapons are useless for the tenth time I wanted to join in like a pantomime. In fact I think a theatre version is long overdue. The terrible acting of terrible characters (these are some of the thickest scientists I've ever seen) just adds to it. I wish my knowledge of Japanese B-movie cast and crew was a little better so I could point out the repeat offenders, but everyone here fits the bill. Whoever thought to name the main town Beaver Falls should have realised how stupid it sounds in a Japanese film. Just one of the many chuckles.
Bloodrayne started life as a computer game, but I've never played it, so I'm reviewing this film entirely on its own merits. I've never seen a film by director Uwe Boll before, and if this is indicative of his style and talent I hope never to see one again. In recent years he seems to enjoy adapting video games, with titles like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, Dungeon Siege, and this autumn's Postal. He also seems to enjoy violence, gore and boobies, which Bloodrayne provides in perhaps overly generous portions. Okay, let's be honest – this is just plain gratuitous. Gratuitous unoriginal nonsense at that. 
I've got to say that I enjoyed Teen Wolf. So this sequel always had something to live up to. The original was a highly silly, yet charming piece of 80s kitsch. As for Teen Wolf Too... well...
There are a lot of returning characters from the first film, but not all played by the same people. Harold Howard (Scott's father and Todd's uncle), makes a couple of appearances. Oddly still played by the same actor, but the character feels totally different. Instead of being the previously wise and responsible father figure, he spends most of his time goading Todd to become a wolf and singing it's praises. Coach Finstock has for some reason stopped being a humourous, lethargic high school basketball coach, and gone into university boxing; even orchestrating the scholarship. He's also now played by Paul Sand (?) and is largely forgettable. Another previously favourite character of mine, Stiles, has also become a student here and had a face lift. Now played by Stuart Fratkin, he has little of the charm of his former, and a script which does him no favours; wheeling out the fart gags early on. One of the original basketball team, Chubbs, does return, with face intact. Although he too has made the contrived move to this university and switched his preferred sport to boxing. Perhaps he and Finstock made the decision together. 
Jason Bateman heads up the cast as Todd Howard. Now best known for his role in Arrested Development, I'm afraid to say he shows little promise here. Admittedly there's not much to work with, but he only makes an impression thanks to turning into a wolf. The wolf this time round feels even more like a Jekyll character than before. Whilst Scott Howard had a desire to be the centre of attention and misguidedly uses the wolf to do so, here the transformation seduces Todd to act like an egotistical jerk against his will. It's reminiscent of Spiderman's recent transformation whilst wearing the Venom suit in Spiderman 3. The personality change goes to great extremes, as he degradingly catches frisbees with his teeth in the park, laughs at people being knocked off their bikes by his corvette, and then the crowning glory of the film. He sings “Do You Love Me?” on a balcony of a house party, with a full formation dance routine from the party guests. It's a jaw dropping moment of unintentional hilarity. 
