IMDB Bottom 100 Update and Reflections

Well, I’ve been plugging away at the bottom100 list for a couple of months now and quite feebly only made it to number 94 – although I’ll be posting up the next review of Underclassman soon. It’s time for a much need update of the list as, if you click the image to the left, you’ll see a lot of changes. This is the list from May 8th 2007. You can see there is a general downward trend of films leaving the bottom 100 over time. Possibly because as films receive more votes it gets harder to maintain such a low score. There are also a number of new entries that have just received the necessary 650 votes, and newly released films which get a very bad kneejerk reaction at first, then claw their way out soon after. None of my reviewed films are there anymore, although some do pop in from time to time if you check regularly.

Looking back on the films so far I can conclude that bad films know no limitations in genre, age, budget, or the talent of cast and crew. The 50s and 60s films Beginning of the End, Monster A Go-Go and Eegah were cheap, nasty, and thoroughly silly films. In fact, so were the Ator the Invincible (80s) and Werewolf (90s). In all cases they were laughable enough to be watchable and to some extent enjoyable. These films all touched on that rare filmic status of 'so bad they’re good’. Perhaps they only fell short by making too much sense, or having at least one good actor.

Then we have the more modern films. The King and I (1999), which I can imagine has been largely voted for by adults, parents, babysitters, and the like. I doubt that all the votes are from computer savvy 7 year olds who this film is aimed at. Nevertheless, it was a largely painful experience to watch and remains the worst I’ve seen yet. I wasn’t even expecting to see an animation on this list let alone hate it so much.

If Rollerball (2002) had been an ultra low budget film I think it may have been hilariously. Unfortunately it had enough of a budget only to homogenise it and bore me to death. Not to mention having a stupid, stupid, ending. Finally Underclassman (2005) – I don’t want to spoil my next review but this deservedly left the bottom 100 since February. It’s bad, but certainly no Werewolf.

I suppose what I’m also concluding is that, so far, the cheaper and older films provide the most fun in terms of unintentional laughs and sillyness. The inflated budgets of later films give a feeling of failure due to lack of effort and poor judgement, resulting in annoyance and boredom. Whilst watching some locusts filmed close up being chucked into a puddle of water is somewhat endearing in its attempts to entertain. Considering this is only 8 films in though we’ll see if this pattern maintains. After all, I still think that Con Air (1997) fits in the so stupid it’s funny category, and that has an enormous budget by comparison. So it can be done.

At this point a special mention to Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) has to be made. An old TV show that found its fame through mocking bad movies. Read the Wiki entry here for more info. So far five of the eight films (Beginning of the End, Monster A Go-Go, Eegah, Ator the Invincible, Werewolf) have featured on their show, and I know more are to come. It’s no surprise that those films are from the episodes released on DVD. They’ve done more to highlight awful movies than anyone else I can think of, and in doing so had a profound effect on this list.

That’s enough from me.
Jaune

94. Eegah (1962)

Things have been a little slow on here. A lot of ideas being knocked around and not enough work getting done. Rest assured a new story is on the way in a few days. But that’s not what I came to talk about. I came here to discuss the vast joys of the motion picture called Eegah! …

… Now I’ve done that I’ll get down to business.

“The crazed love of a prehistoric giant for a ravishing teen-age girl!”

With a tagline like that, who needs a film? And besides, what they made really doesn’t live up to the hype. I'd imagined something that should probably be banned. This is more like a really rich man’s warped home movie with one struggling actor thrown in for fun. More on that later.

Having not read the back of the box before watching this I was surprised to find it set in modern day (1960s) California. It wastes no time getting into the action, as our teenage girl, Roxy Miller, is driving late at night and nearly runs over a tall guy in rags with a big plastic club. Now I’m not the tallest chap in the world, but describing someone whose 7ft 2 as a giant is a little generous. He is obviously very tall, but it’s not filmed in a way which looks that impressive. Nevertheless, she sets about convincing her boyfriend and father.

A humorous piece of justification comes when the father, Robert Miller, cites the bible with, “There were giants in the earth, in those days”. Then her boyfriend Tom quickly stakes his Elvis LP on the existence of this giant. Naturally they visit the scene of the incident at the edge of the desert. Once they find a largish looking footprint in the sand, everyone is convinced. Robert even wants to write a book about it. This leads to a trip into the desert and lots of predictable giant fun.

This film is wrong in so many ways I’m not sure where to start. Eegah was made about the time of Cliff’s Summer Holiday and Elvis doing the hula. The influences are obvious as it jumbles up the genres to present us with a fantasy, horror, musical, love film. I might say it was innovative if it wasn’t such an obvious drive-in cash in. Amusingly the director Arch Hall Senior said, “It was always sort of a subject of laughter that the darned thing did so well”. Funnier still that he’s referring to the film just breaking even.

This film had no budget and it shows. Filming in the California desert, with a cast made up of the director’s son, Arch Hall Junior as Tom, the director’s secretary, Marilyn Manning as Roxy, and the director Arch Hall Senior playing the father. That just leaves Eegah the prehistoric oddity played by Richard Kiel. Who went on to play one of the 007 films most recognisable villains – Jaws. Often referred to as ‘the big guy with the metal teeth’. Kiel comes off with the best performance since he doesn’t have to do much other than growl, chuck stuff, and act primitive. Everyone else is dire. Worse still are the incongruous musical interruptions from Arch Hall Junior, as he sings songs about girls (and never his girlfriend – how insensitive).

I did find myself laughing a fair few times at some of the bizarre things going on. For instance Robert Miller trying to pimp his daughter to Eegah so that they can escape from his cave. Then there’s the very fact that Eegah and his prehistoric species have survived in a cave near L.A. for thousands of years and never been noticed till now. And when Roxy asks to see Eegah’s cave etchings I was rolling in hysterics.



The production values are as bad as the acting and story. Eegah sports a very big and very fake beard, whilst still maintaining a nice short, back and sides haircut. A lot of dialogue has been recorded and dubbed in later. Characters speak even though their lips are not moving. Some voices sound like they are coming from the sky. Scenes are overly long and bland. The overall pace of the movie is too slow with a rather abrupt ending.

It’s no surprise then that Eegah only scored 2.6 out of a possible 10 on the IMDB, from 2,107 votes, putting it at number 94 on the all time bottom 100 (as of Feb 1st 2007). It’s also no wonder that Arch Hall Junior never acted in a film that wasn’t either written or directed by his father. View at your own risk.

If you don’t think you can stomach a viewing of Eegah: The Movie, why not try out Eegah: The Website at www.eegah.com It's got some funky artwork, sound clips, photos, lyric sheets, and loads of info. All in an aptly mocking tone. Great fun.


So far:
Best Film: Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst Film: The King and I (1999)

95. The King And I (1999)

Released the same year as the more successful Anna and the King, this is another attempt from director Richard Rich and Warner Brothers to copy the Disney format, after bringing us the Swan Princess trilogy. And boy, should they have quit while they were behind. On February 1st 2007 The King and I stood at number 95 on the IMDB bottom 100 with an average score of 2.6 out of 10, from 829 votes.

Adapted from the Rodgers and Hammerstein classic of the same name. What’s that I hear turning? The King and I is one of the most famous musicals ever made. Performed on Broadway and around the world thousands of times over the last 55 years. Fans of the original will watch this sugar coated mess aghast at the butchering of a classic. Those who have never seen the story before, will most likely be bored by the string of unimaginative and unfunny clichés trotted out complete with numerous cutesy animal sidekicks for good measure.

The basic story revolves around Anna, a schoolteacher, and the King of Siam. Set in 19th century Siam, Anna has been hired to teach the King’s children English. It explores their cultural differences whilst also telling the subplot of a love story between Prince Chulalongkorn and a slave girl Tuptim. Meanwhile the king’s brother, The Kralahome, is using his evil magical powers to kill the King and Prince so that he can become King. There are substantial differences from the original stories plot and not all of the original songs are used, and those that are don’t feature in exactly the same order. Not to mention the addition of some action sequences.

On it’s own merits The King and I is a weak film. The animation is a mixed bag; at times just fine at others, for want of a better word, clumsy. There is a Saturday morning feeling that doesn’t deserve to make it to the big screen. It certainly doesn’t match up to the standard of other films of its time, such as Mulan or Toy Story 2. The story itself feels like an Aladdin wannabe. It uses all the stock elements of the genre, dastardly magical villain, cute animals, idiot sidekicks, slapstick, and uses them in a paint by numbers style. Thinking about it, maybe the animation was paint by numbers too; would explain the low quality.

No time is spent building up the characters. They remain as two dimensional as the paper they were drawn on. None of the vocal actors performances are memorable, although Martin Vidnovic stands out as a lacklustre imitation of Yul Brynner (the original actor who played the King). There aren’t any bad performances as such, it’s just a bad script. One curious new character is The Kralahome’s stupid henchmen, Master Little, whose running gag involves having all his teeth knocked out. It’s not funny. Neither are the less slapstick gags. All it does is make me want to kick all the other characters teeth out.

Some of the dialogue feels rather incongruous, for instance when Master Little wants revenge on a mischievous monkey he says, “Your time will come monkey, I know torture’. It’s delivered as a light aside, but seems inappropriately weird. Or the odd juxtaposition of the Prince singing a love song whilst practicing his martial arts. For whatever reasons these moments don’t work and it all seems a bit silly. The character scenes are just loosely strung together to accelerate the plot. Once a song ends they have sudden and dramatic shifts in mood, because the story requires it, although they haven’t taken the time to develop it plausibly.

I just need to get this off my chest. Why does every central character need to have a floppy animal wander around behind them, falling over a lot? The English kid has a monkey. Tuptim has a baby elephant. The King has a panther. I was half expecting The Kralahome to have a wisecracking aardvark jump out of a plant pot and perform ‘If My Friends Could See Me Now’.

The songs are one of the stronger points by virtue of having been written by someone more talented. Unfortunately, they feel shoehorned into the shortened running time between character scenes. They also have less charm. A perfect example being the first song, ‘I Whistle a Happy Tune’, which is sung whilst being attacked by sea monsters conjured by The Kralahome. The scene is neither tense nor sweet, and isn’t even drawn very well. It creates a pretty bad impression right from the start.

I know I'm an adult but I should be able to at least sit through this film without the need of narcotics. The first half hour really breaks the viewer, even though it does settle down more through the mid-section, before it's mundane, if not ludicrous, finale. With so many other films of its type available, and better versions of the same story, it quickly sinks to the bottom of the list.

Here’s a little trivia I gleaned from the Wikipedia:
“The possession of anything related to Anna and the King of Siam or The King and I is illegal in Thailand, because of what the Thai government said were historical inaccuracies about the King of Siam.”
I’d have no problem with this particular version being made illegal worldwide, for it’s crimes against taste and entertainment.


So far:
Best film – Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – The King & I (1999)

96. Ator the Invincible (1984)

Sorry for the long break - but I had a VCR breakdown that held up getting screengrabs of this classic, which is yet to make it to DVD. Hopefully the wait was worth it. Now to Ator...

Writer/director Joe D’Amato is notorious for directing a multitude of gore, hard and softcore sex films, and various combinations of all three with lashings of sleaze thrown on top. He has worked on more films than many have watched, and gone by more pseudonyms than you could probably name members of your own family. Joe D’Amato being one of them; his birth name was Aristide Massaccesi. As his real name suggests, his films are Italian productions, but often working in English, with English speaking actors.

Ator the Invincible – also known as Ator 2, Ator L’invincible 2, Ator: The Blade Master, Cave Dwellers, The Blade Master, The Return… where was I? … oh yes. Ator the Invincible is the sequel to Ator; The Fighting Eagle – also known as Ator, Ator: L'aquila Battante, and of course Ator the Invincible. Oh dear.

The Ator films are a departure from D’Amato’s usual material, being more family friendly fantasy adventure films. Most likely made to cash in on the Conan films of 1982 and 1984 – the exact same years that the first two Ator films were released. I’m guessing they don’t make all that much cash anymore. On February 1st 2007 Ator the Invincible received an average score of 2.6 of 10, from 1,336 votes, placing it at No.96 on the Internet Movie DataBase’s bottom 100 films.
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The film starts with a quick, and unnecessary, recap of the events of the previous film. I’m not sure if it’s there to pad out the running time or show that Ator is really tough. Either way, he fights off some zombies, a shadow monster, and a giant spider God. So it gives you a flavour of what’s to come. The story revolves around an object of infinite power – the geometric nucleus. No more explanation is given, but an evil and powerful man named Zovv attacks the castle where the nucleus is kept. A wise man named Akronas has hidden the nucleus somewhere in the castle and Zovv must be stopped from finding it or he could… do something bad.

Akronas has also sent his daughter Mila out to find Ator and ask for his help to stop Zovv. Telling her to ride to “what seems like the end of the earth”, she actually just takes a quick jog through a field and some woodlands where she finds Ator in a cave. Strangely the journey back will take them a couple of days; just one of many plot holes and continuity errors. Ator joins her with his curiously named Japanese warrior friend ‘Thong’. Their epic journey begins.

Perhaps I’ve watched too many ‘bad’ films, but despite being very lazily made from start to finish, it’s actually quite amusing. Ator spends most of his time striding around in big pants and furry boots, proudly showing off his nipples, thwarting things. Whilst occasionally proving his exceptional scientific knowledge. And it’s surprising just how much he can fit into those pants, as he suddenly produces numerous homemade bombs, and at one point a hang-glider out of nowhere! Perhaps it came in his Kinder Egg. The standard of foes is similar to the previous film, including invisible monsters (a sure sign of the budget) and a big rubber snake.



There seems to be some confusion about when this film is set. We have a narration that talks of the fires of creation and man’s growing ascendancy - heavily implying prehistoric times through the clothing. Next we have well groomed men of science and language, along with medieval castles, gunpowder bombs, and mass-produced handrails on castle staircases. Not to mention the feudal samurai warriors, and the hang-glider. It’s all rather confusing.

The plot never goes anywhere logical. Despite knowing Ator is on his way, Zovv spends most of his time exchanging polite insults with Akronas and stroking his fake moustache. Despite knowing the fate of the world rests on attaining the geometric nucleus before Zovv, Ator decides to take a long excursion to sort out some petty disagreements between impoverished villagers. I would say things come to a predictable conclusion but the film is so loosely put together you can never be quite sure what will turn up next.

Acting wise there is very little talent on show. Lisa Foster is probably the most consistent and convincing of a bad lot as the smart, tough and sexy Mila. Miles O’Keefe, of Tarzan fame, gives an acceptable performance as Ator. Although his part calls for little more than killing things followed by a couple of moral speeches. Chen Wong (Thong) is lucky that he is not required to speak. It makes him appear a better actor by virtue of not being given the chance to make a fool of himself. Everyone else is atrocious.



It was a laugh, but it was also a great big mess, hammed up to the max. Whilst the direction is barely competent, pretty much everything else fails. They couldn’t even get the final narration right as a couple of words were accidentally edited out, rendering the sentence nonsensical. It’s quite astounding that this was followed by two further sequels. I wouldn’t recommend Ator the Invincible to anyone as serious entertainment. Conan fans might be able to derive some cheap laughs from it.


Sequels:
Iron Warrior (1987) - starring Miles O’Keefe, but not directed by D’Amato.
Quest for the Mighty Sword (1990) - no Miles O’Keefe but D’Amato returns to direct it.


So far:
Best film – Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – Rollerball (2002)

97. Beginning of the End (1957)

From the man who brought you ‘King Dinosaur’ and ‘Earth vs The Spider’ I give you, ‘The Beginning of the End’. No, really – take it. With a title like that it would have been more fitting as the first film of this project. Anyhow, this was actually director Bert I Gordon’s second film, and an unfortunate sign of the type of films he would continue to direct. On February 1st 2007 it was placed at No.97 in the IMDB’s bottom 100 films, with an average score of 2.6, from 727 votes.

The film opens with that well known tradition amongst American youths in the fifties. Necking in a convertible. Then continues with that staple Hollywood cliché of two youths necking in a car being attacked by something off screen. It’s a dubious start; maybe that’s what they should have called the film. ‘A Dubious Start’, starring Doug Squarejaw, and Heidi Fluff. I digress.



The plot gets quickly into gear as we follow Audrey Aimes - a journalist on the trail of a news story in the Arizona desert. She soon discovers that an unknown force has destroyed a whole town, and it’s150 residents are all missing. An engaging enough premise. Acting on a hunch she visits a nearby department of agriculture research station that is experimenting with food crops exposed to radiation. At this point I’m quite amazed that for a near half hour the film has been an entertaining enough little mystery. A little slow, but even the acting is of a higher standard that you’d expect from such a poorly rated film. However…

Whilst visiting a warehouse that was also recently destroyed, Audrey and the two agricultural scientists (Ed and Frank) encounter the menace responsible. A giant grasshopper. Welcome back to the world of questionable special effects, stupid questions, and that military bloke who just can’t believe it. The radiation link was just too obvious to ignore. As was the introduction of scientist Frank, who was deaf and mute due to an accident involving radiation. Thus only there to illustrate the dangers of their work. Although why he didn’t grow to be a twenty foot killing machine, as most other things do on contact with radiation in the 50s, I don’t know.



On seeing one of these giant grasshoppers/locusts, Dr Ed Wainright quickly scarpers and tries to call in the army. He doesn’t get very far, but from this brief contact he suddenly knows the grasshoppers numbers, average height, resistance to weapons, disposition. He’s the leading authority on giant radioactive grasshoppers. My biggest frustration at this point is that all the hopping action is described and alluded to through radio and phone calls between important looking people. Those bugs sure sound like formidable foes if they need an anti tank weapon to take them down, but I don’t get to see any of it.

When we do get to see some fighting it’s the usual superimposed army guys firing at a back projection of the bugs in super-sized close up. Being in black and white the joins aren’t too jarring all the time. They get them to climb up photos of buildings, and chuck them in a pool of water to emulate a lake. They’ve made an effort in places and occasionally it just about works.

Now let’s cut to the chase and say it’s basically a rip off of Them (1954) - minus the direction, atmosphere, effects, charm, you name it. It’s inferior in all respects. Peggie Castle put in the best performance as Audrey. Peter Graves, who would go on to play Captain Oveur in the Airplane movies, was okay as Dr Ed. Unfortunately neither managed to lift the largely mundane material. One of the most exciting moments was seeing Audrey’s car phone. Yes, a car phone in 1957. I had no idea they had been invented then. It was a hefty looking thing, but a cool prop.



However cool a car phone may be, it doesn’t cover up the inconstancies in the plot. For instance a grasshopper later being easily killed by a handgun, or why they all seemed to stay together rather than spread across America. Actually that might have been addressed in the obligatory bug education portion of the film. Where Doug Squarejaw predicts doom from in front of a slide projector. If so, it has already been excised from my mind, as has the majority of the rest of the film.

I would have been more favourable toward Beginning of the End if it hadn’t have been so dull. Regardless of the hopeful start, even at just 73 minutes long I found myself clock-watching toward the end. At least with a movie like Monster A Go-Go you can laugh along with the silliness. Whilst entertainment here is severely limited by a highly predictable and linear storyline, that quickly fizzles out of ideas.

For the information of insect lovers – some grasshoppers died in the making of this movie. What began as 200 grasshoppers reduced to just a dozen after they started to cannibalize one another. I wouldn't be surprised the same situation occurred amongst cinema goers stuck in a darkened room watching this film.

So far:
Best film – Monster A-Go-Go (1965)
Worst film – Rollerball (2002)

98. Werewolf (1996)

On receiving an old VHS copy of Werewolf, I was impressed by the hologram cover of a man turning into a werewolf. However, after starting to watch the film I worried that the special effects on the box would be better than those in the actual film. My worries weren’t entirely unfounded.

On February 1st 2007, Werewolf was placed at No.98 in the IMDB bottom 100, with an average score of 2.6 from 1,670 votes.

We start with an archaeological dig in the Arizona desert, where an unusual skeleton is found. It has the body of a man, but the head of an animal – you guessed it, a kind of wolf. The budget already seems strained at this point. An early fight scene between the diggers is so badly choreographed and filmed that at least half the punches miss, but still with a very loud smacking, and followed by painfully slow ‘being hit’ reactions. I refer to the budget here, as it seems all the actors were required to do their own stunts. No matter how bad they are.



Once the skeleton has been moved somewhere it can be studied, rather than investigate it properly and try to prove or disprove what it is, the leader of the group (Noel) rushes to various conclusions and scaremongering about werewolves. Within the films first ten minutes, any hope of mystery is killed by an overlong explanation involving American Indian mythology, and poorly recorded sound. Soon after, one of the diggers who had been scratched by a bone is taken to hospital. While under supposed ‘intense observations’ (amusing medical terminology from the doctor), he turns into a werewolf whilst no one is paying attention (really intense observations), then escapes. Thus proving their assumptions, regardless of how implausible and stupid they originally appeared.

Considering all this happens at the start of the film, you might wonder what plot there is left. To be frank, not much. Werewolf has some of the worst padding I’ve seen in any film this side of the 60s. Director Tony Zarindast has a curious fixation with wall murals, spending large amounts of time focusing on them whilst playing irritating derivative native Indian music, and animal noises. If I wanted to look at a painting of a woolly mammoth whilst being barked at, I’d… I’m not sure – perhaps commit myself. It’s not just boring; it’s badly filmed, edited, written (barely). Zarindast’s previous film was ‘Hardcase and Fist’ in 1989! A film whose trailer alone is laughable. He can’t even manage the continuity of a pool cue, let alone actually film a game of pool without it dragging the whole film to a painful halt.



The characters serve little or no purpose in a wafer thin plot. The most entertaining is also the most superfluous. That being a groundskeeper who seems to spend all his time in the foyer of a writer’s house, brandishing his shotgun. He also happens to be the worst actor, with monotone ‘cries’ of “please don’t hurt me’, whilst slowly edging towards the angry looking werewolf. Another focal character is Yuri, who wants to infect people with werewolf DNA so he can see them turn, then catch them and earn money for the famous find of a live werewolf. The biggest flaw in his ploy is he decides to try and catch these beasts when they are wolves, rather than simply wait till they turn into a normal person and are less dangerous. The logic for the rest of the film isn’t any sounder, and you will be lucky to make it to the end. Surprisingly the ending is the most original and unexpected thing of all. Yet still ultimately unsatisfying.

On the plus side we get the hilarious high jinks of a werewolf driving a sedan as if it were a bumper car. Cartoony yanking the steering wheel left and right included. Then it ploughs into some randomly placed gas canisters. And Martin Sheen’s brother is in it. Woot. Yay. [/sarcasm]



So, with no plot, no worthwhile characters, and no atmosphere, what’s left? A number of repetitive shots of some dodgy werewolf special effects, which at times look more like a taxidermied cat covered in spit. Plus some over the top and unconvincing attacks on girls who run, scream, and fall over in the nearest puddle of mud. A more pleasurably viewing experience can be found marvelling at the hologram on the box cover.

*Pictures courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000, because my capture equipment didn’t like the NTSC VHS. Unfortunately the MST3K team are watching a slightly edited version; missing out a couple more superb murals.

It wasn’t exactly difficult to defame poor Werewolf, but it still provided enough belly laughs from its gaffs to put it ahead of Rollerball.

So far:
Best Film – Monster A-Go-Go (1965)
Worst Film – Rollerball (2002)

99. Rollerball (2002)

Well, this is quite a difference from the last film. Bringing us right back into the present decade. On February 1st 2007, Rollerball was placed at number 99 on the IMDB’s bottom 100 films, with an average score of 2.6 out of 10, and 8,205 votes. That’s a very high number of votes for the bottom 100, strengthening its position there, and showing just how badly this film has been received.

Set in the near future, a violent new sport from Central Asia has taken the world’s interest. Rollerball is like a cross between American football and basketball, on rollerblades, in a figure 8 circuit, and chuck in a couple of motorbikes for good measure. The rules are simple, and the fouls are frequent. Increasing ratings and high levels of gambling keep the games creators and managers in good money. Interest from major television networks is set to boost the balances further, and so they continue to recruit more talented players.

Enter Chris Klein (American Pie); an extreme sports player in need of a healthy pay cheque. After signing up, we quickly get a taste of rollerball action. Somewhere between a wrestling event and a circus, the players wear outlandish masks and body armour. A large part of the game is mowing down the opposition; hence the motorbikes. Live nu-metal music blasts out from a cameo by Slipknot, who look like they could be a rollerball team themselves. The first 20 minutes prove to be a fairly effective action filled start, but from here on things never really get going.

The plot revolves around the idea that the game’s managers are bribing players to cause more and more spectacular injuries to their opponents, which in turn increases the ratings and profits. Jean Reno (Leon) plays the central rollerball creator/manager who lords his power and wealth over everyone. It’s probably the most engaging performance amongst a very bland cast, and yet it feels as though he’s on autopilot. Not least because there is so little dialogue between the many fighting, flaunting, and chasing sequences, that it’s hard to truly get behind any of the characters. LL Cool J fades into the scenery, and the only notable thing about Rebecca Romijn, best known as Mystique in X-Men, is her looks.

What little plot actually exists quickly descends into a daft mess of clichés. The original 1975 version of Rollerball focused on one man’s struggle against a corporation that ran the US and subdued its people. Here we have the cop out use of Central Asia - as it’s obviously more plausible that those ‘savages’ in Asia will love violent sports and let it rule their lives. But the rollerball corporation doesn’t appear to replace any government as in the original, so when someone dies during play and it is still broadcast, why isn’t there an instant investigation? How did the company think they could go on killing people on live TV and not get shut down? Even in the most under-developed countries snuff films are banned. By having the film set so closely in the future (actually now the past, 2005) it both undermines the original purpose of using a future setting, and insults half a continent.

Director John McTiernan, of Predator and Die Hard fame, made his biggest mistake simply by making this film. At what stage did the script ever look like a good prospect? It must have been all of 30 pages long. Looking even worse in comparison with the previous version. There is more character depth to be found in WWE, and if mindless violent ‘sports entertainment’ is what you’re looking for, I would recommend going there first.

I have no problem laying the bulk of the blame at the script itself, or lack of it. All other errors simply compounded this problem. A telling sign of its quality came when, after poor feedback from previews the films release was put back till the next year, and edited down from an R rating to a PG-13. Effectively an admission that the producers just wanted to milk whatever money they could from the carcass of this turkey. The very worst part of this film is it’s ending, but I will leave that joy to the braver amongst you.

On the whole Rollerball is a pointless mess, made worse considering the talent and money involved in a production so recent. You can’t even laugh at it.


So far:-
Best Film: Monster A Go-Go (1965)
Worst Film: Rollerball (2002)