#71 Nine Lives (2002)

Before saturating the gossip mags, before the TV series, before the album, even before the sex tape, Paris Hilton got a small role in this low budget supernatural slasher flick. If she hadn’t there’s every chance it would never have been so widely distributed. Produced in the UK in 2002 it didn’t get a theatrical release, and it didn’t hit the UK shelves until 2005. Now it is on DVD, despite screen time at a quarter or less than the lead characters, Paris Hilton’s name is actually larger on the side of the DVD box than the film’s title. That should give some indication of the film’s quality, and the faith the marketing department had in it.

Nine Lives is a British production, set in a rural Scottish mansion as a group of well off socialites have an overnight birthday bash. In a snowy winter setting this batch of twenty somethings look like they were plucked from a mail order catalogue and dropped in a Marks and Spencer’s Christmas advert. There’s a variety of accents on offer, but this is all there is to really distinguish them as characters. I can’t remember any names, and to name them would suggest they had any distinct personalities, so from here on I shall simply refer to them as numbers.



As the night draws on we see snippets of the guests chatting, learning about each other. There are attempts at humour, but I didn’t like it much. It felt more like the script writer was having trouble finishing his scenes and conversations, so created a montage to maintain the standard story structure. After the failed character building and anecdotes section we get down to the late night nitty gritty. No, Paris does not show us the goods, aside from some brief teasing undressing shots. Neither does anyone else. So that’s most of the potential sales gone.

What I meant was, late at night as they ready for bed we get the first scare, when number four goes to the bathroom. It’s actually handled quite well with an eerie unseen menace quality. It gave me hope that the director’s skill lay in an atmospheric handling of horror. Sadly it was not to be, as the clunky plot fired up all cylinders with a contrived finding of a centuries old book in between the walls of the library. From here on we enter the territory of a well shot student film, with a vaguely novel approach to the slasher genre, involving possession. The potential for tension between characters who may not trust each other, thinking the other is possessed, is touched on but largely wasted in favour of lots of repetitive wandering about in the dark. Or standing around talking what they are going to do, yet never doing very much. Plus, in retrospect the best handled scene with number four didn’t tie into the rest of the plot at all.

By around the one hour mark I’d lost any desire to know how it ends. There was a bold attempt at a dramatic finale involving number one doing something you’d not expect would happen to number one, but it doesn’t pay off. The ending is further destroyed by the repetitive, cheap sentiments in a narrated epilogue that is actually painful to listen to. Not since Razor Blade Smile’s drearily delivered final narration of ‘It was all a kinky sex game and not real’, have I so despaired at a script writer’s ineptitude.



This was director Andrew Green’s only credit to date, and in fairness to him it has a visually pleasing quality (except for some poor exterior shots). The acting is unremarkable, merely getting the job done. I could say some mean things about a certain someone, but what’s the point. The major part of Nine Lives troubles was a script stretched out from only enough material for a short story. With so little to work with it’s not surprising that the film felt mostly dull and plodding. Not to mention the ridiculous cliches. There's a killer on the loose, I know, I'll sit by this human sized window. No-one will ever come flying through that. Or how about getting flustered and playing catch with the only working mobile phone before crushing it under a bed. Such a common accident in emergencies. Or having a Scottish killer hunting down people because they are English, and so the first person they kill is American. WTF!

The last route to profitability for a horror film is generally to have some sensationalist filth in it, but with most of the killings happening in darkened rooms with a whack to head, or a knife to the gut there are few thrills to be had. Why was this rated an 18? There was no sex, no nudity, no gore, no tension, very little profanity. Maybe the censors were trying to do the children of the world a favour and stop them watching it. Maybe they realised the inclusion of Paris Hilton in any film is offensive enough in its self.

This film tested me like The Last Sign did. I guess it truly deserves to be down here, but I struggled to even find two decent screenshots. I need another Monster A Go-Go or Ator . A little fun, a little oddness, a little rodent. Something, anything. Throw me a lifeline.

[2.2/10 | 1,456 votes | stats from 24th November 2008]

So far:
Top Drawer: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Bottom Feeder: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#72 Alone in the Dark (2005)

Or more accurately, small groups of people in dimly lit locations, shooting wildly at CGI and random extras with whited out faces. If I were to choose one word to sum up this film it would be ‘why’. In fact, why oh why oh why? Really. What makes anyone think that taking a generic computer game that borrows from older films and stories, and turning it into a movie, will produce anything other than an unoriginal generic movie. Although, according to gamers, the film’s plot has little to do with the game beyond using the same characters. Add Uwe Boll to direct it and the producers may as well stick all their money on red.

The story begins with a long passage of text about a lost Native American civilization called The Abkani. It speaks of two worlds, a gate between them, evil creatures, and ancient artefacts. The usual. Apparently the government have set up a pretty big agency (X files style) called Bureau 713 specifically to investigate this tale. Taxpayers would be shocked, and I can’t help but wonder what Bureaus 1 through 712 are doing? One of the Bureau’s scientists, Lionel Hudgens, was conducting controversial experiments and was kicked out. He continues by secretly experimenting on how to fuse humans with creatures, using orphaned children as guinea pigs. No, I’ve no idea why either. Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) was one of those children, and after escaping has grown up to be a paranormal investigator, formerly with Bureau 713.



One of the film’s biggest mistakes is that’s ninety percent of the plot right there. Don’t expect much new to happen over the next hour and a half, and don’t expect it all to make much sense either. Largely because the characters motives are so sketchily drawn. Like fuzzy felt templates handed down from the big studios of blockbuster movies. Hudgens seems to be a cruel, power crazed, because it’s there, scientist. I couldn’t make out what he hopes to gain from all this research and collecting artefacts. Tara Reid is wholly unnecessary. An old friend of Slater’s who is supposed to add a little friendly jibing and a love interest. However, there is no chemistry between them, their relationship isn’t explained properly, then halfway through the film they have sex for no reason whatsoever, and then continue as if it never happened. A baffling piece of sticking to a generic formula without bothering to create a clear internal logic. Many details are overlooked. My favourite being when they use explosives to make an entrance through a wall. After the smoke settles, the hole created is conveniently door shaped, bordered by large bricks that have perfectly retained their square shape, despite the blast, and are merely a bit askew. Maybe later these explosives will sweep up and give it a new paint job too.



The story lumbers from one underwhelming set piece to another. Stephen Dorff turns up with a platoon of monster fodder, dutifully shooting at random attacking creatures with a pumping metal soundtrack. When I say random I really mean it. Scenes begin and end suddenly, with little explanation. People attack, people die, and I’m still not sure what significance it had. The otherworldly creatures that are attacking our world are HR Giger inspired CGI creations. In many ways quite nicely done, but sadly they often seem both irrelevant to the scene, and don’t appear alongside humans often enough. It gives some action scenes a disjointed feeling as the creatures wander about in darkness and soldiers shoot at the air. This difficult to follow style continues to the very end, with an abrupt and unsatisfying ending.



As for the actors, Slater outperforms everyone else with a still sleepy performance. Despite having to deliver ridiculous lines such as, ‘I was tracking poachers across their lines in the Amazon, when I hooked up with some ex-Chilean military trafficking artefacts on the black market.’ In hindsight that was probably the high point of the film as I laughed myself silly. Reid, Dorff and the scientist guy are largely unmemorable. Although I love the way they tried to make Tara ‘boob job’ Reid a credible scientist, by giving her thick rimmed glasses, a clipboard, and putting her hair in a bun. Like an instant intelligence kit.



Alone in the Dark is shockingly bad. How it ever secured a 2008 sequel I’ll never know – I notice they have a completely new cast and different director. How did Uwe Boll get away with another tiresome game conversion after the mess of Bloodrayne? How is he now working on Bloodrayne 3 as we speak? Films from games already had a poor reputation, but alienating gamers by making a movie with only a passing resemblance to the original increases the likelihood that the core audience will be disappointed. Boll aims for a thrilling, action packed adventure with epic qualities. Then misses every mark.

And the damned disc screwed up my media player too. Shoddy to the last...

[2.2/10 | 21,176 votes | stats from 24th November 2008]

So far:
Monstabulous: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Burn My Eyes: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#73 Forest Warrior (1996)

This sure ain’t Missing in Action 3. There’s something a little disturbing about seeing Chuck Norris so clean, with that neatly combed beard. It’s not right – he should be crawling through mud, whilst foreign people run around shooting automatic weapons in the air. Coincidentally MIA3 was Aaron Norris’ first break as a director, leading to a series of other films directing his brother Chuck. I would hope Forest Warrior is his worst, but I’m biased because of a slight aversion to these caricature styled family films.

It opens with a campfire rendition of the tale of McKenna (Chuck Norris), an American Indian who was killed whilst trying to save his wife from an illness. Then his spirit was brought back by the power of the mountain, and he now roams as a shape-shifting guardian with the power of the bear, wolf and eagle. In other words if you’re naughty near the mountain forest, Chuck Norris will appear from thin air, dressed like Grizzly Adams’ geeky cousin gone native, and kick your butt. Oh, and he can see into your soul too. Cue the Thorne logging company.
Travis Thorne (Terry Kiser) is aggressively seeking logging rights to the mountain forest. His workers even terrorize the local kids from the campfire, as they spend time at a giant tree-house in the forest. It’s a classic stand off between small town rural America and big business, and naturally the kids play an integral part. Giving them a chance to go Rambo in the woods, like those in the audience would surely want to. There is a sub plot about a young girl and her father turned alcoholic over the loss of his wife, but it’s just the usual emotional obstacle in need of enlightenment.

There was a reminiscent feel of films like Tuck Everlasting, and other low grade Disney movies. It’s shot quite blandly, a little like watching an episode of Home Improvement. Of course, it’s not meant to be high art, simply a wholesome family film. Odd then that it’s being made by people with a background in R rated action films. That may be the reason why they overcompensate, as this is not much of a family film. The humour is geared more towards the under tens only, and everything is laid on very thick which will leave most adults bored, and older children feeling embarrassed. Although the song and dance sequence with loggers playing chainsaw air guitar should keep everyone laughing, even if for the wrong reasons.
Shockingly, the child actors aren’t annoying. Their not even that badly dressed, considering it’s the early nineties. Or maybe Chuck Norris’ theme restaurant outfit is keeping things in perspective. Regardless, the young actors do just fine for the target audience. They also get a few decent supporting actors, either the producers pulling in favours or they’re doing it for the kids. Roscoe Lee Brown (Topaz, The Liberation of LB Jones) is the wizened old friendly bachelor that every small town needs. It’s a subdued role and he maintains his dignity. Elya Baskin pops up amongst some of the more comedic loggers – he’s the guy that Hollywood loves to call whenever they have a Russian part that needs filling - most recently in the Spiderman movies. You even get a glimpse of William Sanderson (Bladerunner).

Sadly it’s the two leads that I liked least. Norris mostly looks bored, and his action scenes aren’t exactly wow factor. Do I dare speculate as to whether poor Chuck is getting a little past it all? The lacklustre editing does nothing to pep it up either. Chuck also gets some of the cheesiest lines, and it really doesn’t suit him. Then there’s Terry Kiser, who hams it up as he was probably instructed to, making a cartoony villain. Later he gets to go ‘Captain Harris’ on us, as he’s assaulted by the forces of good. Speaking of which, there’s a slight vigilante message of protectionism under the surface that may be a little less wholesome under scrutiny. Perhaps this is a favourite in the Palin household.
On the whole it’s a pretty sappy product of it’s time (post Home Alone). Not the most awful thing I’ve ever seen, but without Chuck Norris on the cover it would lose a lot of it’s kitsch value. I’m not sure what the inspiration behind making this was. It’s been cobbled together through connections, and lacks the detached oversight to be much else than a schmaltzy vanity project. The writer is also from the Norris stable, having only done screenplays for his films and TV. You’ll also see a Rebecca Norris pop up amongst the producers. Whatever the rhyme or reason only the most hardened of Chuck Norris or schmaltz fans should take a look at this.

[2.2/10 | 731 votes | stats from 24th November 2008]

So far:
High Kicking: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Drooling Wreck: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#74 Kickboxer 3: The Art of War (1992)

This all feels a little like déjà vu, especially after watching American Ninja 3. Once again there is a fighting tournament in a tropical location. This time Rio De Janeiro. An American kickboxing champion, David Sloan, arrives with his sensei, Xian, in tow. On first sight Xian looked a little like Lee Van Cleef, or maybe that was the spectre of 1984 TV series Master Ninja repeating on me. Either way, it helps signify that this was the tale end of a long running era of budget American martial arts films and television shows.

The first classic cliché comes quickly when the hapless heroes are mugged by a small Brazilian boy, Marcos, and his sister, Isabella. Naturally, after a long chase through the back alleys of Rio and the kicking of same random thugs, they befriend the knife wielding thieving children. Onto classic cliché two, when Isabella is kidnapped by a local gangster as part of his people trafficking business. Of course this is just a side line to him being a kickboxer manager, looking to fix the match between David and his own fighter, so as to make a ton of cash.

It’s seriously average stuff, but at least there’s enough action to keep things going. We get street fighting, bar room brawling, and ring matches. They even tool up with automatic weapons in another back alley, making them professional vigilantes. The theme of the film is that Rio is a sort of unruly wild west. Kill or be killed. So that’s what they do, giving us some gunplay and a Beverley Hills Cop style mansion assault. The story takes some odd twists to help fill the running time, and give our bulging hero some unusual endurance tests to prove his might.

I’m sorry to say that the only thing that sounds dumber than the plot is Sasha Mitchell playing the part of Sloan. He doesn’t have the charisma to carry the film, and is no great actor. Surprising then that he is the lead in three of the four Kickboxer sequels. Although, familiarity is an important ingredient in B-Movies, and they weren’t likely to get Van Damme back. There is a lot of playful banter between the two leads, but it’s neither actors’ strong points. Plus the dialogue was a poor imitation of many of the buddy cop movies of the 80s. Most of the jokes fell flat for me. For a change I found myself most forgiving of the child actors’ performances. They managed to hold their own, and outshine a lot of the wooden bit parts. Most disappointing was perhaps, Dennis Chan, who feels surplus to requirements as Xian. All he does is make random philosophical comments, and occasionally remind Sloan to meditate. As the role also requires a calm demeanour, he tends to fade into the background.

The villains were par for the ‘in the shadow of Miami Vice’ times. Sharp suits, colourful shirts, sensible middle-aged haircuts, and a dire need for some anger management classes. They do make for a laugh though. I liked that the chief kidnapper Bronco cited his day job as an investment banker. Something which in the current economical climate would be enough to shoot him regardless. Also, one of the most unintentionally funny lines was from the big bad gangster Lane about his child trafficking prostitution ring, delivered mid fight, “Kids are more mature now, it’s the nineties pal.” The defence rests.

As you can tell, it’s a pretty adult plot, but the only real gratuity is the fighting and body count. There’s little profanity, and nothing sexual. A contrast to modern western films where those would be pre-requisites. Kickboxer 3 is an action film first, and, well, not much else. Would you expect any less from a writer whose next film would be Leprechaun 4: In Space? Marvellous. Despite all this, I much preferred American Ninja 3 and that had a really goofy plot in comparison.

[2.3/10 | 659 votes | stats from 3rd April 2008]

So far:
Joie De Vivre: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Walking Dead: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#75 The Last Sign (2005)

So, Andie MacDowell pays the bills. I wish. Watching Andie MacDowell set up a direct debit would generate greater levels of excitement and tension. Sadly, in reality, MacDowell plays the part of recently widowed Kathy. She finds herself better off without her alcoholic and abusive husband, but has begun receiving anonymous phone calls and experiencing disturbing coincidences and flashbacks. It is affecting her social life and could result in a total breakdown. If only it were that interesting.

First up, I was getting mixed messages about how Kathy felt. There was no sense of freedom from her husband’s accidental death, and little background to go on. It’s never a good sign that you need to refer to the back of the DVD case for a plot point. The slow moving plot feels deliberately vague in an attempt to make something from nothing. Eventually we get round to a few supernatural happenings that create some genuine mystery, but it’s all a bit short lived and predictable. The other plotline is that of the rich, intelligent, hunky, neighbour with enough free time to give fatherly advice to Kathy’s teenage son, and with a manly voice suitable for sports commercials. What luck, like part exchanging your clapped out nasty husband for a shiny new one from Harrods.

As far as I can gather the film’s message is essentially get on with your life. Staying on message I would first advise you to avoid this film. I’ve seen greater wisdom from a fortune cookie. They cost less and taste better too. I found The Last Sign to be a wholly unrewarding experience.

Andie MacDowell seems to have found the trough from her Four Weddings peak in the early 90s. Tim Roth (best known from Pulp Fiction) plays the dead husband, in a role that consists entirely of flashbacks. Maybe this should have been called ‘where early nineties actors go to die’. Then Margot Kidder (the original filmic Lois Lane) turns up although you’d hardly notice. Beyond that the only notable character is the irritating kooky co-worker from personnel, who should be fired for rooting through Kathy’s file and going on about her dead husband. A typical piece of coincidence scripting that a busy body co-worker happens to be well versed in holding séances.

I could run through the usual list or pros and cons regarding direction and pacing, but the over riding feeling I got was how incredibly bland everything was. They’ve clearly spent enough money to get the film superficially looking good. They have a competent crew, but there isn’t any flair. I’ll never forget Darth Vader chopping off Luke’s hand. Equally I’ll never forget Rock Biter singing Born To Be Wild on his bicycle in Neverending Story 3 (much as I might want to). Whilst The Last Sign sits somewhere in a cinematic blind spot, where I can barely remember what happened the next day. It begs the question, is a truly awful film one which is such an utter waste of time? At least trash like Monster A Go-Go makes for an amusing anecdote.

I seriously wonder who green-lighted this script. It’s in the pitiful territory of a twenty year old TV movie, with wasted actors throughout. If you really love tearjerkers and soppy romances then you might find some interest. Although I’d much sooner recommend the 2002 film Dragonfly with Kevin Costner, which has a similar but more engaging story line. And come on, it's Kevin. Does The Last Sign deserve to be in the Bottom 100 films? I’ve no problem with it.

[2.3/10 | 814 votes | stats from 3rd April 2008]

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Painful - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#76 The Smokers (2000)

It’s been quite some time since I’ve ventured into the realms of the bottom 100. What happened? The Smokers happened. Take a look at the warning signs.

1. The Box: The cheap cover design is an obvious start, but hardly conclusive as fans of cult hits like Bad Taste will attest. A tagline that tries to emulate a critics positive quotation, and the only actual quotations being attributed to no-one, most likely because the only person who said them was the producer to the marketing team. The listing of as many big movies associated with the actors as possible, even desperately adding Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Also highlighting Thora Birch in order to cash in on American Beauty despite her role here amounting to all of 10 minutes. Speaking of which, Thora Birch looks younger here, hinting that The Smokers was not released for some time after completion. Perhaps it would have sat on the shelf longer if two of it’s actors hadn’t become bigger stars. (Birch and Dominique Swain)

2. The Subject Matter: The blurb on the back of the box describes it as “a trio of seventeen year old girls surviving teenage life.” Hold up a minute. If this is set in Bhagdad then I’ll let that phrase go. Otherwise I’d suggest ‘surviving teenage life” usually indicates a film trying to hype whatever central unrealistic scenario it has. If it’s not a comedy then expect to find the director wearing his/her colon as a choker. The other two highlighted selling points of this story are a ‘.44 calibre revolver’ and an ‘aggressive sexual awakening’. I fail to see the relevance of the weapons calibre, unless it’s a distraction from the fact these are the ingredients of a shock and awe film, more at home in a grindhouse cinema than anywhere with aesthetic merit.

3. The Director: It’s her first film, so I would normally approach it with an open mind. However, a glance at her CV shows that after making The Smokers she changed her name and turned to directing porn films such as Young Sluts inc 10 and Campus Confessions 8. Not encouraging.

I could probably go on, but let’s get into the meat of it. Set at a boarding school filled with rich kids in their mid to late teens, the story concerns three of the more anarchic girls, and their relationships with the opposite sex. Karen, Jefferson, and Lisa are the so called ‘smokers’, frequently of cannabis. Tired of being treated as a sex object, Karen (Busy Philips), decides it's time to give men a taste of their own medicine using her friends gun. The three plan a sexual assault on a boy that has been treating Lisa poorly. Things don't go exactly as planned, although as the gun changes hands between the girls there are more incidents.

As far as coming of age stories go this has to be one of the more over the top ones. It's hard to know whether the intention was a feminist message or an exploitation flick. For an exploitation film there are no genuinely titillating or thrilling scenes, and the feminist message goes no further than comparing a penis to a gun. It's confusing and disappointing. The film treads an unusual line between too unbelievable and too realistic. The blasé inclusion of drug taking and a culture of loitering without intent will strike a chord with many who had mis-spent youths. The pacing is realistically slow, containing many seemingly motiveless and pointless scenes. I felt as though I was missing a lot of previous character development, making much of it redundant. As if I were watching a couple of episodes in the middle of a daily soap. Sadly, despite it's explicit sex and drugs story lines, The Smokers will never be as entertaining as a good Sunset Beach omnibus. For a character driven film this is a major flaw. And whilst the pacing may have realism, little else does, right down to the quite implausible finale, which I shouldn’t elaborate on.

This combination of miscues makes it increasingly hard to watch. More out of a lack of interest than anything else, even with all the casual rape chatter. The best, surprisingly tense, scene in the film happens early on and is wasted on a peripheral character (Thora Birch) who is otherwise an overblown stereotype. Although Birch manages to make the best of the role, making her the only character you may want to see a little more of.

The acting ranges from okay to ‘if I threaten a puppies life will you please make an effort?’ In fairness to Miss Swain, the only thing she's done wrong here is be in the film. While her performance is far from stellar, the material largely fades her into the background. Busy Philips seems to have built her character around pulling faces. It borders on a depiction of the mentally ill, or maybe that was what she was going for. It’s hard to tell. The male actors were for some reason uniformly atrocious. It was hard to believe such charisma free characters in various sexual relationships.

For the most part The Smokers tested my patience with it’s confused messages, terrible performances, and a directionless plot. There are one or two glimmers of an interesting snapshot of life trying to get through, but it’s no match for a film like Kids, which handles similar storylines in a far more engrossing manner.

[2.3/10 | 1,505 votes | stats from 27th March 2008]
(I know, just two more oldies before recent stats kick in)

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Vomit Inducing - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#77 Battlefield Earth (2000)

With the upcoming third worldwide protest against the cult of scientology's abuses this weekend [Video One] [Video Two], it seems timely to review Battlefield Earth. Adapted from a novel by L Ron Hubbard, and championed by actor John Travolta for over a decade. It rapidly gained the infamous status of one of the most expensive flops in cinema history, and quite rightly so.

This film should carry a public service announcement at the start reading, 'Warning - You are now entering a film where all dramatic moments take place at one third normal speed.' If all the unnecessary and tedious slow motion was cut out, it might shave the lengthy two hour runtime down to something more manageable. I should have been more wary after reading about the "special effects that are completely real" on the back of the box. Do they know what a special effect is exactly? Or were all those green laser beams filmed in claymation by Ray Harryhausen? The shame of it is I was genuinely willing to give it a chance. Having seen it about six years ago, my only recollection was of a lacklustre blockbuster; it could have still been a laugh. Rather than the farcical wreck I just watched.



In it's favour the special effects are pretty good. I like the dreadlocked, giant platform booted design of the alien Psychlos, who have taken control of Earth and enslaved it's people to strip mine the planet. Everything has been captured well in terms of picture quality and lighting. There is some occasional good humour. Mostly from scenes with Forest Whitaker and Travolta together, with Whitaker managing one of the best performances in the film (still with pretty poor material). Sadly I'm struggling to find any more compliments.

To get back to the story, we follow the trials of Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), as he searches for answers to the big questions of life and his mythology. A thousand years after the Psychlos invaded, the human race has become an endangered species. Those that remain free are simple tribes people, without knowledge of the previous days of technology. Flung far away from the Psychlos themselves. After leaving his village, Jonnie soon becomes embroiled in the affairs of a Psychlo named Terl (John Travolta). Terl is the poster boy for frustrated and deluded middle management. If his plan to embezzle his way out of many years more service on Earth ever works, you'll see him on the Psychlo home planet version of The Apprentice. Despite the set-up, any hope for some intriguing and intelligent corporate power games is short lived and glossed over in favour of some manic laughter, shouting, tongue-waggling, and Travolta camping it up. He really knows no limits here. The plot is disappointingly run of the mill, linear and quite laboriously explained to the audience.



The complete lack of attention to detail in the plot is embarrassing. For starters, are we to believe it takes a vastly superior race over 1000 years to mine the planet for what it's worth? Also, in all that time, and despite being based in North America, they never once discovered the gold reserves of Fort Knox. Fragile items like books, left exposed to 1000 years of nature are merely covered with a fine layer of dust. A 1000 year old projector works instantly, but from what electricity supply? Not to mention that a group of savage tribes-people unable to understand the technology of a camera, learn to expertly fly Harrier Jump Jets in under a week. Should I go on?

No. And neither should you. Battlefield Earth is full of holes, it's overblown, too long, too camp, and Barry Pepper is an especially uncharasmatic lead actor. It's a B-movie that somehow walked off the lot with an A-movie budget, and Hollywood has been churning out much better films for a tenth of the cost. The few superficial achievements can't outweigh the mess of a script and over the top direction and editing. Between the bad guys chuckling to themselves about how evil they are, and Pepper being chased on every available set in slow motion, I very much doubt if any viewers will be satisfied.



[2.3/10 | 27,764 votes | stats from 9th March 2008]

Until recently it had the largest number of votes of all the bottom 100 films. There has been strong agreement about the film since soon after it's release, and thus has been a permanent fixture on the list for years.

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Vomit Inducing - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)