B100 List Update

Here's the latest update. Actually from a while back on 17th July 2007. They'll be quite a few on the way soon though. As you can see, an eclectic bunch.

#87 The Neverending Story III: Escape From Fantasia (1994)

The original Neverending Story (1984) is without doubt a children's classic. The second installment in 1990 met with much criticism and disappointment, but nothing could prepare you for this contemptible disaster. Usually when I see a film that is generally considered bad, I can find something to invest a little interest in. Perhaps a good actor, a flawed idea that could have worked, some amusing mistakes, a good costume, funny dialogue. There's usually something to get hold of and empathise with the film-makers. This time I was clutching at straws through the pain.

To briefly summarize the plot, we meet Bastian Balthazar Bux (child cruelty?) who in the last two films helped save the magical world of Fantasia via a book called The Neverending Story. The book serves as a portal between the two worlds, and chronicles the adventures that occur. Whilst being chased by a group of school bullies called 'The Nasties', Balthazar hides in the books world of Fantasia. The Nasties read the book and, without batting an eyelid, quickly accept that it's all real because it describes everything going on around them. They decide to use the power of the book to destroy Fantasia and Bastian; just for a laugh it would seem. Meanwhile, Bastian must get back to the real world and get the book in order to stop them. Unfortunately, when he leaves Fantasia something goes wrong and and some of the fantastical looking citizens of Fantasia get trapped in the real world. It is vital that they be returned before Bastian can use a charm to fix Fantasia, or else they will be trapped in the real world.



Heading up the cast is Jack Black, in one of his earliest roles, as the leader of 'The Nasties'. Whilst he has a screen presence strong enough to leave Jason James Richter (the boy from Free Willy playing Bastian) in the shadows, he also plays it so hammy you'd think he was auditioning for the lead role of Babe 3: Porcine Holocaust. I realise that much of Jack Black's brand of humour comes from his excesses, but there is a lack of finesse here that when matched with the lazy script grates quite horribly.

The rest of the cast has seen numerous changes, so that it no longer stars anyone from either of the previous films. The biggest change is that every character from the world of Fantasia now sounds terminally stupid. Anyone from Fantasia basically gets stuck in the 'light relief rubber puppet' category and none can salvage a shred of integrity. It's a sorry state of affairs, as I recall the big pink dragon Falkor fondly from my youth, only to have him turned into a quipping buffoon. The final straw was a gag where he gets the horn for a street parade's Chinese dragon, to the great distress of it's occupants.



Another favourite, Rock-Biter (a giant man made of rock), gets a wife and kid in scenes reminiscent of a bad episode of Dinosaurs (90s sitcom). The costumes look like the cheap men in suits they are. There is nothing magical about watching him and his wife bicker and throw crockery at each other. The highlight of the entire film was watching Rock-Biter go shopping on his bike whilst singing “Born to be Wild”. Yes, it's a full on music sequence including 'comedy' running over puppets moments. The tiresome characters don't end there. We get a couple of gnomes (one played by Tony Robinson), whose entire contribution to the film is a half hour gag about needing to go pee. And a big rubbery fake tree man that sounds like Jimmy Durante; I wanted to kill it.



So the characters are uniformly awful, and the reason I've barely mentioned the human ones is because they are so dull and clichéd it hardly matters. There is a sub-plot (arguably the focal lesson of the movie) about Bastian's stepmother and sister, family strength against adversity and the like. It's trite Hollywood manipulation at it's worst. There are pop songs and pop culture references everywhere, from Arnold Schwarzenegger to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The most successful message the story carried was that kids should read more, and this movie provides the perfect motivation. I wanted to switch it off within half an hour, but managed to rubber-neck my way through it out of stubborn disbelief.

There is a long trend in franchise kids films that each sequel requires less subtlety and style than the one before, and director Peter 'Rambo III' MacDonald fulfils this requirement effortlessly. It really does look like no effort was made at all. Hardly surprising when handed a script fit only for a shredder. One of the biggest disappointments is the lack of fantasy elements that were so vivid in the first film. By quickly moving all the action to our reality, most of the awe evapourates. Worse still when the most memorable moments include a madcap chase through the mall. The plot goes nowhere, and the jokes are as obvious as they are unfunny. If you make it to the end credits you'll also be wowed by the two specially written songs, 'Dream On' and 'Mission of Love', which both name check the movie – sick buckets at the ready.

Having such a passionate dislike for The Neverending Story part 3: Escape to Fantasia (Phew – mouthful) worried me. Am I intolerant of children's movies? After all, they are meant for a less discerning viewer. Then I remind myself that the first film in this series is very good, a bank holiday favourite, and there are lots of good quality fantasies like The Dark Crystal and Lord of the Rings. It's just that The Neverending Movie Title (blah) is only likely to please people that are entertained by bright colours, silly voices, and fast moving objects. Not something you should be paying for. I feel so violently about this film if I were one of the unfortunate souls to appear even on the 'special thanks' credits, I would demand my name removed. Not so surprisingly the film was in the IMDB bottom 100 list; on 8th May 2007 it scored an average of 2.5 out of 10 from 1,876 votes. Awful film.


So far:
Best film – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst film – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)



Thankfully it did end.

#88 Prince of Space (1959)

[aka Yusei Oji, aka Planet Prince]

Produced in Japan in the late 50s, this is en early example of their boom in superhero films. For the supposed benefit of foreign audiences it has been dubbed into English. This is one film where, for the sake of the writers' reputation, I hope it's lost a lot in translation. In all fairness though, it may have lost something in it's adaptation. Prince of Space was originally transmitted as a series of 49 episodes, and from it two movies were made. The two movies were then edited into a single movie for American audiences. Knowing that the finished product is such an amalgam makes it harder to rate on normal terms, but I'll give it my best shot.

The story begins when a random spaceship turns up out of nowhere. It's leader, The Phantom of Krankor, hijacks the airwaves and announces they will soon land and make their demands. Then threatens they will obey or die, followed by his trademark “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” Yes. The guy doing the dubbing actually goes, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” in a slow, drawn out, stupid sounding way. So bad it's funny, and it will occur many many times before the end of the film.



The Phantom of planet Krankor is the sort of villain who likes to start speeches with, “Attention people of Earth.” He calls himself both an ambassador and a dictator at different times, and resembles a human being with a cheaply stuck on cardboard beak nose (the kind you might find in an xmas cracker), and a television aerial on his head. His fake moustache looks like it's upside down – although that could be an alien thing. I won't go too deeply into the frilly jacket and lack of proper undergarments. It's strange that even before he lands some scientists say they know what he wants; a new rocket fuel which will make space exploration easier. How they figured that, when the fuel hasn't been tested yet and he is already flying considerable distances in space, is anyone's guess. They even make the usual scare-mongering claims that if he gets the fuel then they could conquer the world in a week. Having absolutely zero knowledge of these aliens naturally doesn't affect any of their predications.

None of that really matters though as Price of Space also turns up out of nowhere to beat the aliens of Krankor into submission and send them home. Prince of Space comes with a full polyester outfit, short cape, plastic face mask, and trigger actioned multi-purpose stick. He can say a variety of phrases including, “I am Prince of Space” and ”Your weapons have no effect on me”.

On that note, amongst the frequent and pointless encounters between the Krankorians (Krankies?) and Prince of Space, he keeps telling them that their guns won't harm him or his ship. I guess because he's super. In response, The Phantom's great plan is to “get the laser canon!” Idiot. He continues to keep trying to shoot him, no matter that it always fails. At one point he tries to cook him in a special griddle weapon, but none of their weapons work. This is the major problem with Prince of Space – aside from the weird outfits. His only super-power is being invincible. There's no danger, and the whole thing becomes a very silly farce.

However, at the same time, this utter silliness is one of it's saving graces. All the over the top kids melodrama, with American square-jaw voices, and extremely corny dialogue, can be really funny. Once he says your weapons are useless for the tenth time I wanted to join in like a pantomime. In fact I think a theatre version is long overdue. The terrible acting of terrible characters (these are some of the thickest scientists I've ever seen) just adds to it. I wish my knowledge of Japanese B-movie cast and crew was a little better so I could point out the repeat offenders, but everyone here fits the bill. Whoever thought to name the main town Beaver Falls should have realised how stupid it sounds in a Japanese film. Just one of the many chuckles.

It's a traditionally cheap and cheerful production, with kids in mind. As usual some irritating kids become central to the action, exclaiming “Prince of Space, woot, yay” at any given opportunity. It's filled with the usual stock sound effects of musical saws, possibly a theremin. The Krankor spaceship is actually quite a cool design in a retro way. It all boils down to a very dated film that most will either love or hate. It's a thumbs... well... paw up from me, and makes it to my favourite film in the B100 yet.

So far:
Favourite – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Horrible – #95 The King and I (1999)

And the usual stats: On 8th may 2007 Prince of Space featured at number 88 on the IMDB bottom 100 list, with a total of 1,055 votes, giving it an average of 2.5 out of 10.

Just as a note, I've let these build up a little so expect quite a few more over the coming days...