Or more accurately, small groups of people in dimly lit locations, shooting wildly at CGI and random extras with whited out faces. If I were to choose one word to sum up this film it would be ‘why’. In fact, why oh why oh why? Really. What makes anyone think that taking a generic computer game that borrows from older films and stories, and turning it into a movie, will produce anything other than an unoriginal generic movie. Although, according to gamers, the film’s plot has little to do with the game beyond using the same characters. Add Uwe Boll to direct it and the producers may as well stick all their money on red. The story begins with a long passage of text about a lost Native American civilization called The Abkani. It speaks of two worlds, a gate between them, evil creatures, and ancient artefacts. The usual. Apparently the government have set up a pretty big agency (X files style) called Bureau 713 specifically to investigate this tale. Taxpayers would be shocked, and I can’t help but wonder what Bureaus 1 through 712 are doing? One of the Bureau’s scientists, Lionel Hudgens, was conducting controversial experiments and was kicked out. He continues by secretly experimenting on how to fuse humans with creatures, using orphaned children as guinea pigs. No, I’ve no idea why either. Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) was one of those children, and after escaping has grown up to be a paranormal investigator, formerly with Bureau 713.
One of the film’s biggest mistakes is that’s ninety percent of the plot right there. Don’t expect much new to happen over the next hour and a half, and don’t expect it all to make much sense either. Largely because the characters motives are so sketchily drawn. Like fuzzy felt templates handed down from the big studios of blockbuster movies. Hudgens seems to be a cruel, power crazed, because it’s there, scientist. I couldn’t make out what he hopes to gain from all this research and collecting artefacts. Tara Reid is wholly unnecessary. An old friend of Slater’s who is supposed to add a little friendly jibing and a love interest. However, there is no chemistry between them, their relationship isn’t explained properly, then halfway through the film they have sex for no reason whatsoever, and then continue as if it never happened. A baffling piece of sticking to a generic formula without bothering to create a clear internal logic. Many details are overlooked. My favourite being when they use explosives to make an entrance through a wall. After the smoke settles, the hole created is conveniently door shaped, bordered by large bricks that have perfectly retained their square shape, despite the blast, and are merely a bit askew. Maybe later these explosives will sweep up and give it a new paint job too.
The story lumbers from one underwhelming set piece to another. Stephen Dorff turns up with a platoon of monster fodder, dutifully shooting at random attacking creatures with a pumping metal soundtrack. When I say random I really mean it. Scenes begin and end suddenly, with little explanation. People attack, people die, and I’m still not sure what significance it had. The otherworldly creatures that are attacking our world are HR Giger inspired CGI creations. In many ways quite nicely done, but sadly they often seem both irrelevant to the scene, and don’t appear alongside humans often enough. It gives some action scenes a disjointed feeling as the creatures wander about in darkness and soldiers shoot at the air. This difficult to follow style continues to the very end, with an abrupt and unsatisfying ending.
As for the actors, Slater outperforms everyone else with a still sleepy performance. Despite having to deliver ridiculous lines such as, ‘I was tracking poachers across their lines in the Amazon, when I hooked up with some ex-Chilean military trafficking artefacts on the black market.’ In hindsight that was probably the high point of the film as I laughed myself silly. Reid, Dorff and the scientist guy are largely unmemorable. Although I love the way they tried to make Tara ‘boob job’ Reid a credible scientist, by giving her thick rimmed glasses, a clipboard, and putting her hair in a bun. Like an instant intelligence kit.
Alone in the Dark is shockingly bad. How it ever secured a 2008 sequel I’ll never know – I notice they have a completely new cast and different director. How did Uwe Boll get away with another tiresome game conversion after the mess of Bloodrayne? How is he now working on Bloodrayne 3 as we speak? Films from games already had a poor reputation, but alienating gamers by making a movie with only a passing resemblance to the original increases the likelihood that the core audience will be disappointed. Boll aims for a thrilling, action packed adventure with epic qualities. Then misses every mark.
And the damned disc screwed up my media player too. Shoddy to the last...
[2.2/10 | 21,176 votes | stats from 24th November 2008]
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