Before saturating the gossip mags, before the TV series, before the album, even before the sex tape, Paris Hilton got a small role in this low budget supernatural slasher flick. If she hadn’t there’s every chance it would never have been so widely distributed. Produced in the UK in 2002 it didn’t get a theatrical release, and it didn’t hit the UK shelves until 2005. Now it is on DVD, despite screen time at a quarter or less than the lead characters, Paris Hilton’s name is actually larger on the side of the DVD box than the film’s title. That should give some indication of the film’s quality, and the faith the marketing department had in it.Nine Lives is a British production, set in a rural Scottish mansion as a group of well off socialites have an overnight birthday bash. In a snowy winter setting this batch of twenty somethings look like they were plucked from a mail order catalogue and dropped in a Marks and Spencer’s Christmas advert. There’s a variety of accents on offer, but this is all there is to really distinguish them as characters. I can’t remember any names, and to name them would suggest they had any distinct personalities, so from here on I shall simply refer to them as numbers.
As the night draws on we see snippets of the guests chatting, learning about each other. There are attempts at humour, but I didn’t like it much. It felt more like the script writer was having trouble finishing his scenes and conversations, so created a montage to maintain the standard story structure. After the failed character building and anecdotes section we get down to the late night nitty gritty. No, Paris does not show us the goods, aside from some brief teasing undressing shots. Neither does anyone else. So that’s most of the potential sales gone.
What I meant was, late at night as they ready for bed we get the first scare, when number four goes to the bathroom. It’s actually handled quite well with an eerie unseen menace quality. It gave me hope that the director’s skill lay in an atmospheric handling of horror. Sadly it was not to be, as the clunky plot fired up all cylinders with a contrived finding of a centuries old book in between the walls of the library. From here on we enter the territory of a well shot student film, with a vaguely novel approach to the slasher genre, involving possession. The potential for tension between characters who may not trust each other, thinking the other is possessed, is touched on but largely wasted in favour of lots of repetitive wandering about in the dark. Or standing around talking what they are going to do, yet never doing very much. Plus, in retrospect the best handled scene with number four didn’t tie into the rest of the plot at all.
By around the one hour mark I’d lost any desire to know how it ends. There was a bold attempt at a dramatic finale involving number one doing something you’d not expect would happen to number one, but it doesn’t pay off. The ending is further destroyed by the repetitive, cheap sentiments in a narrated epilogue that is actually painful to listen to. Not since Razor Blade Smile’s drearily delivered final narration of ‘It was all a kinky sex game and not real’, have I so despaired at a script writer’s ineptitude.
This was director Andrew Green’s only credit to date, and in fairness to him it has a visually pleasing quality (except for some poor exterior shots). The acting is unremarkable, merely getting the job done. I could say some mean things about a certain someone, but what’s the point. The major part of Nine Lives troubles was a script stretched out from only enough material for a short story. With so little to work with it’s not surprising that the film felt mostly dull and plodding. Not to mention the ridiculous cliches. There's a killer on the loose, I know, I'll sit by this human sized window. No-one will ever come flying through that. Or how about getting flustered and playing catch with the only working mobile phone before crushing it under a bed. Such a common accident in emergencies. Or having a Scottish killer hunting down people because they are English, and so the first person they kill is American. WTF!
The last route to profitability for a horror film is generally to have some sensationalist filth in it, but with most of the killings happening in darkened rooms with a whack to head, or a knife to the gut there are few thrills to be had. Why was this rated an 18? There was no sex, no nudity, no gore, no tension, very little profanity. Maybe the censors were trying to do the children of the world a favour and stop them watching it. Maybe they realised the inclusion of Paris Hilton in any film is offensive enough in its self.
This film tested me like The Last Sign did. I guess it truly deserves to be down here, but I struggled to even find two decent screenshots. I need another Monster A Go-Go or Ator . A little fun, a little oddness, a little rodent. Something, anything. Throw me a lifeline.
[2.2/10 | 1,456 votes | stats from 24th November 2008]
So far:
Top Drawer: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Bottom Feeder: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)
Or more accurately, small groups of people in dimly lit locations, shooting wildly at CGI and random extras with whited out faces. If I were to choose one word to sum up this film it would be ‘why’. In fact, why oh why oh why? Really. What makes anyone think that taking a generic computer game that borrows from older films and stories, and turning it into a movie, will produce anything other than an unoriginal generic movie. Although, according to gamers, the film’s plot has little to do with the game beyond using the same characters. Add Uwe Boll to direct it and the producers may as well stick all their money on red. 
