#79 Howling 2: ...Your Sister is a Werewolf (1984)

Picking up directly after The Howling (1981) we see the funeral of Karen White, who was shot down after turning into a werewolf. Christopher Lee appears on the scene to inform Karen's brother, Ben, and his girlfriend, Jenny, that because the silver bullets in Karen were removed at the autopsy, he must ritually kill her again before she rises from the dead as a werewolf. After Ben briefly goes on a gun totting frenzy out for Lee's blood, they are quickly convinced and team up with him. Then head out to Transylvania to kick werewolf butt. Namely - Stirba the immortal queen of all werewolves (Sybil Danning). Or as the alternative UK subtitle for the film calls her, 'Stirba - Werewolf Bitch'.

This film left me confused. Following on from Joe Dante's tongue in cheek style (The Burbs, Gremlins), you'd expect there to be a few laughs in the sequel. However, it all feel surprisingly straight yet woefully put together. The result - absurd hilarity punctuated by incompetence. The theatrical trailer describes it as the "rocking, shocking, new wave of horror", and it's surprisingly accurate. The ever growing MTV video generation was making it's mark. Howling 2's use of modern music, by way of an infectious new romantic song played repeatedly throughout the film, and focus on outlandish current fashions was a response to that. The confusion sets in again with the presence of Christopher Lee and cult like goings on in the medieval buildings of Transylvania. It adds a throwback Hammer Horror feel that is poorly thrown together with the modern elements.



One major criticism would be regarding the editing, and the decision to keep cutting back to the same footage of a concert where a band play the film's catchy title song. Originally it's part of an early scene where a group of punks is attacked by werewolves in an outstandingly unrealistic scene. Saved only by an embarrassing cameo from Jimmy Nail; he's awfully funny. Another scene that is cut back to at odd intervals is the show stopping softcore werewolf menage a trois. I don't think there's anything quite like it committed to film, all snarling and hairy. The way it's cut together with unrelated scenes it feel as though that's all they did for an entire day. A peculiar mix of jaw-dropping funny repulsion.



Philippe Mora's direction is uninspiring to say the least, and there are yet more dubious decisions. As the sequel to a film renowned for a it's werewolf transformation effects you'd hope for an attempt to make par. Whilst the effects as a whole are of a decent standard the transformations are not handled well. Consisting of a handful of simpler effects like nails and hair growing, along with a few latex masks, filmed extremely close up and cross faded over other scenes. It largely implies a transformation whilst avoiding any tricky shots or expensive effects. It feels cheap and underwhelming and these moments usually drag the most. Of course to balance out the disappointment we are given a token knife throwing dwarf, and a werewolf fancy dress orgy where everyone turns up dressed as Dr Frankenfurter.



I've little sympathy for the central characters Ben and Jenny, who amply fulfill the cliched roles of muscle and distressed maiden. They don't even appear very bright, walking into a local hotel and asking the manager behind the desk, "Have you seen any strangers?" It's a hotel. He sees strangers all day, everyday day. With only Christopher Lee's wooden gloom to break their inanity, and Sybil Danning hammily strutting about like an 80s soft rock dominatrix, I was close to tears. Equally from laughter and pain.

The tone the Howling 2 was most likely going for is along the lines of The Lost Boys, but there's too many conflicting things going on. Part old school chiller, part schlock slasher, part serious, part jokey. The most worrying thing of all must be the music video compilation of all the 'best' bits over the credits. Where a clip of Danning ripping her top off is repeated 17 times for comic effect. The film, it seems, is as confused as I am. It is a bad film, yet there is fun to be had here. Fans of the horror genre could lap this up with an unhealthy dosage of booze. Seeing Christopher Lee in bright white wrap around shades must be worth something alone. If not that then Christopher Lee's monologue in front of a star-field, or Christopher Lee's neon light-show battle, or maybe Christopher Lee's holy hand grenade. I kid you not, and there still is more I could mention.



[2.4/10 | 1,633 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Most Fun - #79 Howling II: Stirba: Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Vomit Inducing - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#80 Horrors of Spider Island

Fans of the old black and white era monster movies hoping for some no frills fun should do a quick about turn. What we have here is a west german nudie picture, spiced up with a brief and tenuous mutant spiders plot, then later having most of the nude scenes cut out. I guess they thought after having toured the 'raincoat' cinemas, they could later try and flog it at some more mainstream places. With or without the nudity the quality of the film isn't really affected; merely it's practical applications.

Things kick off seedily enough with a little slow jazz, and the auditions for a dancing troupe, soon to be jetted off for shows in Singapore. In a time where crooners, rock and roll, and exciting dance steps are still the defining trends, the use of dance and music is the first of a few gimmicks. We get a quick glimpse of the sleazy manager Gary Webster (Alexander D'Arcy), and more than a glimpse of stocking from some of the young hopefuls. It's not long until they are jetting off in a private plane and crashing into the ocean. Now stranded on a remote tropical island, the name of the game is survival.



Or it would be, if things weren't made so easy for them. The main implication is that Gary and all his helpless girls spend most of their days sunbathing in their underwear, taking swims, and occasionally complaining about rations. All while creepy Gary gets some smooching in. I wasn't aware of the film's nature before watching it, but there was a clear turning point. Not long after all the dancers declare the island too hot and strip down to their smalls, a couple of girls have an argument and 'cat-fight'. It's a long lingering scene with lots of moist thighs and no shame.

So far I've hardly mentioned the spiders. Despite the short running time, they're barely in it. When first introduced it's as if there's a different director. It's eerily lit, and for such comparatively cheap effects quite effective. Mores the shame it only lasts for a few minutes. Regardless of the title this is just a subplot to the main 'action' on show. The horror element of the film is frequently put on hold, which seriously disturbs the pace and any chance of tension. Instead of any sustained story line we are treated to twenty minutes of an all night swinging bikini party.



If you hadn't already guessed, the characters are wafer thin. I'd go so far as to say the woman don't have characters. They start as objects, then look helpless, then shed their clothes, and do a little screaming. The quality of the dialogue is atrocious. A simple example will illustrate the point. On arrival they search for other people and soon find a hammer. Gary remarks, "It must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal, most probably uranium." Yes Gary, those speciality handheld uranium hammers are very recognisable. It couldn't just be a regular hammer from the hardware store, or are you trying to imply something Mr Screenwriter?

While this is all a little before my time, the star of the film is arguably Barbara Valentin, a confident sassy blonde, described as an icon of Munich gay scene. Many of the other actresses have only a few films to their name. Careers aside they are all very attractive and so fill the roles admirably. The male actors just look happy to be there, in an equal state of undress. It's hard to fairly judge the acting due to the poor dubbing, and woeful script. Let's just say it's nothing to write home about.



If you can navigate your way through the deeply subtle script, bare chested men in neckerchiefs, point and shoot cinematography, objectification of woman, pointless over-descriptive dialogue, sleazy jazz music (actually quite cool), and a laughable hybrid spider monster with make-up straight out of The Wolf Man, you're a stronger person than I am. This was a struggle. Fleetingly amusing for it's blatantly dirty style, somewhat offensive for it's porno characterizations (keeping women's lib chained to the kitchen sink), and an interesting seedling for the exploitation era that would explode throughout the sixties and seventies. I must admit it feels a little ironic posting this review on international woman's day. Welcome to sexploitation - fifties style. Gotta say, these woman simply don't have enough fur to be truly sexy. I don't know what all the hub-bubs about.

[2.4/10 | 1,039 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Most Fun - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst of the Worst - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)