#81 Astro-Zombies (1968)

A women drives home and is stabbed to death by a man in a skull like mask. A group of toy robots and a toy tank battle on the sidewalk by a smoke machine. A seemingly dead man is dragged away from his wrecked car. A tape recorder rewinds. Another man drives down the freeway. In his next feat, director Ted V Mikels will attempt to tie these unrelated plot strands (from the first five minutes of the movie) together. Except for the robots. I mean really, what the heck was that about? Although it made a hilarious title sequence, and is possibly my favourite scene of all.

Sadly the promise of a title such as Astro-Zombies isn't lived up to. There are no flesh eating creatures, a la George Romero. Nor are there any direct links to space. The first glimmer of a plot comes when we here CIA agents talk about a Doctor DeMarco (John Carradine), dismissed from the Space Agency for his experimentation on humans. He was working to create artificial people, using mechanical organs, that could be remotely controlled to conduct space missions. Naturally he continued his misguided experiments in a dungeon like basement, with a mute, short, hairy, immigrant assistant, named Franchot, and using the cadavers of criminals to create these prototpye 'Astro-Zombies'. Maybe those toy robots are a cunning metaphor for these manmade, brainless creatures. I could watch them for hours.



When Doctor DeMarco's first creation goes on a murderous rampage, rather than being the great benefit to mankind he envisaged, it gets the full attention of the CIA. He is also targeted by a group of unknown spies out for his scientific secrets. Headed by the iconic Tura Satana (best known from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!), a tedious game of cat and mouse investigations is played out. Satana (also the name of her character) commands attention with her striking long, thick eyelashes, and high slit silky dresses. A femme fatale looking as though she'd wandered off a Man From UNCLE set. Unfortunately she turns in an atrociously flat performance that stands out amongst a largely mediocre cast.



Astro-Zombies is very much a product of it's time, and one of the tamer, earlier exploitation films that were churned out on a tight budget for maximum bums on seats. It even has a kind of warning alarm when the killers attack, so you know when to shut your eyes. Although, aside from some brief gore in the finale, there's nothing all that gruesome even for the year. On the point of gratuitous bits, it's amusing to watch the lengthy dancing topless painted lady scene. It was still a time where that thin veneer of minority culture was necessary for a little titillation. No matter how irrelevant to the plot.

One thing I love about this period is the rich colours, oranges, reds, and the warm auburn tone of the film. It goes hand in hand with the tidy suits, JFK haircuts, attractive redheads, and sets made mostly from painted MDF. In terms of the special effects quality it does 'get by', but there is nothing to impress. The Astro-Zombies themselves look rather like Halloween masks. Fans of all things camp may find something to enjoy; certainly Satana's outfits would be a good starting point.



If this film was more widely circulated I predict that the phrase 'I'd rather watch paint dry' would soon be replaced by, 'I'd rather watch blood being drained from a cadaver.' Indeed, director Mikels is certainly not afraid to hold a shot for as long as it could possibly take to watch whatever isn't happening at the time. Let me paint you a picture. Dr DeMarco examines his solar powered mechanical heart with a lamp (light source) switched on. He switches the lamp off and notes the heart slow to a stop. He switches it on again. His assisent Franchot comes over, and the doctor gives a simple yet detailed explaination of the device. DeMarco turns the lamp off, then goes and fiddles with some circuitry on another table. Franchot looks at the heart and turns the lamp on. Watches. Then turns it off. DeMarco closely examines a microchip held in a pair of tweezers. Franchot turns the lamp on. DeMarco spouts a little technobabble about the circuits. Franchot looks at the circuits. DeMarco goes to fiddle with the settings on a large dialed instrument. Franchot smiles at the circuits. DeMarco.... GET ON WITH THE MOVIE!



This is sadly what occurs in almost all of John Carradine's scenes, and the excitement levels rarely increase throughout the movie. Carradine's suitably gaunt figure and strong delivery are wasted. As you can tell, some will find this an excellent insomnia cure. However, while at first this leaden story feels like torture, it soon becomes surprisingly funny. There's something cruelly hilarious about the poorly crafted stereotypes, and hackneyed production. Give this script to a trendy modern director like, dar I say it - McG, and this would probably be over in ten minutes. Give it to Spike Jonez and it could be a masterpiece full of toy robots. Lovin' those robots. Whereas Mikels doesn't seem to know what to do with it at all.



The objective part of my brain is telling me this is awful, but it also had me in hysterical disbelief. Perhaps a suitable candidate for the now reformed Mystery Science Theatre 3000 crew - now producing under the name Cinematic Titantic [/end plug]. If you enjoy these silly films as much as I do, then it makes for half decent entertainment with a few like minded friends. For most the slow pace and confusingly presented plot will be a major turn-off. I've still no idea why or where the bikini babe strapped to a table came from, went, or was going to be used for? On the other hand there is something endearing about it in an Ed Woodian kind of way.

Amazingly writer and director Ted V Mikels made a remake/sequel called Mark of the Astro-Zombies in 2002. It even starred Tura Satana.

[2.4/10 | 796 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Tasty Fish - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Steaming Turd - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#82 Galaxina (1980)

As I watch my way through some of the most disliked films on the planet, I take care to give them as fair a hearing as possible. One way of doing this is to not research or read anything about the film before actually watching it. It's something I like to do with all films. Without too many expectations or pre-connotations, it allows the film to speak for itself.

Galaxina starts with a Star Wars style roll of text setting the scene. Unfortunately set at such an angle that I had significant trouble reading it, admittedly on a smaller television. No problem I thought, as there was a second scene setter from a voice over; introducing us to the police spacecraft Infinity and it's ragtag crew in the year 3008. Along with it's grand classical music, and sweeping shots of model spaceships and space, I wondered if I was in for a 2001 wannabe. However, the crew were quirky to say the least, giving off more of a Dark Star vibe than anything else. Perhaps I've stumbled onto to an under-rated maverick, artsy, low-budget, intellectual film? It wasn't until nearly 15 minutes into the film, and the introduction of a character named Captain Cornelius Butt, I realised this was supposed to be a comedy. Yes, Galaxina is a 'wacky' spoof of popular films of the time, such as Star Wars, Alien, and Star Trek - but not as we know it.

Storywise, things are rather sparse, allowing more time to focus on characters for the jokes. Essentially the crew of the Infinity have been ordered to find a mystical artifact named The Blue Star, after an encounter with an alien they believe may know it's whereabouts. They never really say what this Blue Star is though. What use or threat it may be. How it suddenly surfaced. All we know is that every time someone says 'Blue Star', we get a fanfare chorus of 'Aaaahhaaaahhh!' in the background, and all the characters look around perplexed by the noise. Eventually that almost becomes funny, but it hasn't dated well.



In fact, that's probably the best description for most of the film. Much of it feels both dated and poorly realised. Jokes run on too long. There's an over reliance on rehashed crudity, like sticking a paper bag over an alien prostitutes head. Thinking that just by having an extra dressed like Mr Spock, with odd shaped ears, and calling him Mr Spot... well.. it just isn't funny if they're not going to make an effort. Strangely, there are a lot of situations ripe for good laughs; the cannibal restaurant was an enormously missed opportunity. What's missing is solid punchlines and delivery, further harmed by the drawn out pace as they try to stretch the material to 90 minutes. An odd by product of all this is many of the intended funny scenes feel very weird and alien. A prime example being Captain Butt taking great pleasure throwing an alien prisoner's food at him; an alien that eats rocks. It bypasses funny moving quickly to bizarre police brutality.



The characters by and large are unsympathetic. Captain Butt (Avery Schreiber) is a pompous, authoritarian. Private Buzz (JD Hinton) is an imbecilic dodgers fan, dressed like he's heading down the rodeo. Sergeant Thor (Stephen Macht) doesn't really have a character, whilst his subplot is about his growing infatuation with the service android that runs the ship. Bringing me finally to Galaxina; an android in female form that would short more than a few of Data's circuits. She is played by Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten, who went on to become Playmate of the Year 1980. While her acting CV is short, she certainly has all the requirements for prancing about in skimpy maid outfits, and a skintight latex jumpsuit. It's hard to know if she's a wooden actress or trying to act the part of an emotionless, mute, android. Thankfully for her, the role probably covers a multitude of sins. Allowing us more time to focus on the assets she was hired for. Besides, the average standard of acting here is, well, average to be generous. So no one's really out of place.



A lot of the best characters and material come from the supporting cast. For instance, there is a completely random pipe smoking Chinaman just sat in the ships hold. Probably the funniest person in the film by virtue of being so out of place. The obligatory villain is also enjoyably over the top. Dressed in robes and a mask with a big booming voice, looking like he's lost his way out of a Greek tragedy. He's actually one of the better looking aliens in the film, as they start to look cheaper the further you get through the film. It's not that the effects are outright bad, I quite like much of the design in the Inifinity, more that they clearly have a limited budget. There's a certain amount of charm in it, and you have to remember this is 1980. Some of the cinematography is surprisingly good. One amusing cut corner is the use of sound effects for doors and red alerts taken from Star Trek.



It seems clear than writer director William Sachs was going for a laddish jaunt round the universe, full of 'out there' situations, and misfit characters. Whereas the final product is a mish mash of poorly edited, flat gags, unnatural dialogue, and incongruous arty scenes like an opera singing frog-women. When the competition at the box office that month is Airplane, the difference in quality is put into sharp perspective. Galaxina can't even compete with The Ice Pirates. Sadly the most notable thing about it is the tragic murder of it's leading lady, soon after the film's release, at the tender age of 20. Despite having savaged the film, I didn't hate it. It simply failed to deliver in a pretty big way. There will most likely be a niche audience that get a few kicks from it, but on the whole it's safer to save your pocket money.

[2.4/10 | 748 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Big Cigar - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Humble Pie - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)