#73 Forest Warrior (1996)

This sure ain’t Missing in Action 3. There’s something a little disturbing about seeing Chuck Norris so clean, with that neatly combed beard. It’s not right – he should be crawling through mud, whilst foreign people run around shooting automatic weapons in the air. Coincidentally MIA3 was Aaron Norris’ first break as a director, leading to a series of other films directing his brother Chuck. I would hope Forest Warrior is his worst, but I’m biased because of a slight aversion to these caricature styled family films.

It opens with a campfire rendition of the tale of McKenna (Chuck Norris), an American Indian who was killed whilst trying to save his wife from an illness. Then his spirit was brought back by the power of the mountain, and he now roams as a shape-shifting guardian with the power of the bear, wolf and eagle. In other words if you’re naughty near the mountain forest, Chuck Norris will appear from thin air, dressed like Grizzly Adams’ geeky cousin gone native, and kick your butt. Oh, and he can see into your soul too. Cue the Thorne logging company.
Travis Thorne (Terry Kiser) is aggressively seeking logging rights to the mountain forest. His workers even terrorize the local kids from the campfire, as they spend time at a giant tree-house in the forest. It’s a classic stand off between small town rural America and big business, and naturally the kids play an integral part. Giving them a chance to go Rambo in the woods, like those in the audience would surely want to. There is a sub plot about a young girl and her father turned alcoholic over the loss of his wife, but it’s just the usual emotional obstacle in need of enlightenment.

There was a reminiscent feel of films like Tuck Everlasting, and other low grade Disney movies. It’s shot quite blandly, a little like watching an episode of Home Improvement. Of course, it’s not meant to be high art, simply a wholesome family film. Odd then that it’s being made by people with a background in R rated action films. That may be the reason why they overcompensate, as this is not much of a family film. The humour is geared more towards the under tens only, and everything is laid on very thick which will leave most adults bored, and older children feeling embarrassed. Although the song and dance sequence with loggers playing chainsaw air guitar should keep everyone laughing, even if for the wrong reasons.
Shockingly, the child actors aren’t annoying. Their not even that badly dressed, considering it’s the early nineties. Or maybe Chuck Norris’ theme restaurant outfit is keeping things in perspective. Regardless, the young actors do just fine for the target audience. They also get a few decent supporting actors, either the producers pulling in favours or they’re doing it for the kids. Roscoe Lee Brown (Topaz, The Liberation of LB Jones) is the wizened old friendly bachelor that every small town needs. It’s a subdued role and he maintains his dignity. Elya Baskin pops up amongst some of the more comedic loggers – he’s the guy that Hollywood loves to call whenever they have a Russian part that needs filling - most recently in the Spiderman movies. You even get a glimpse of William Sanderson (Bladerunner).

Sadly it’s the two leads that I liked least. Norris mostly looks bored, and his action scenes aren’t exactly wow factor. Do I dare speculate as to whether poor Chuck is getting a little past it all? The lacklustre editing does nothing to pep it up either. Chuck also gets some of the cheesiest lines, and it really doesn’t suit him. Then there’s Terry Kiser, who hams it up as he was probably instructed to, making a cartoony villain. Later he gets to go ‘Captain Harris’ on us, as he’s assaulted by the forces of good. Speaking of which, there’s a slight vigilante message of protectionism under the surface that may be a little less wholesome under scrutiny. Perhaps this is a favourite in the Palin household.
On the whole it’s a pretty sappy product of it’s time (post Home Alone). Not the most awful thing I’ve ever seen, but without Chuck Norris on the cover it would lose a lot of it’s kitsch value. I’m not sure what the inspiration behind making this was. It’s been cobbled together through connections, and lacks the detached oversight to be much else than a schmaltzy vanity project. The writer is also from the Norris stable, having only done screenplays for his films and TV. You’ll also see a Rebecca Norris pop up amongst the producers. Whatever the rhyme or reason only the most hardened of Chuck Norris or schmaltz fans should take a look at this.

[2.2/10 | 731 votes | stats from 24th November 2008]

So far:
High Kicking: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Drooling Wreck: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#74 Kickboxer 3: The Art of War (1992)

This all feels a little like déjà vu, especially after watching American Ninja 3. Once again there is a fighting tournament in a tropical location. This time Rio De Janeiro. An American kickboxing champion, David Sloan, arrives with his sensei, Xian, in tow. On first sight Xian looked a little like Lee Van Cleef, or maybe that was the spectre of 1984 TV series Master Ninja repeating on me. Either way, it helps signify that this was the tale end of a long running era of budget American martial arts films and television shows.

The first classic cliché comes quickly when the hapless heroes are mugged by a small Brazilian boy, Marcos, and his sister, Isabella. Naturally, after a long chase through the back alleys of Rio and the kicking of same random thugs, they befriend the knife wielding thieving children. Onto classic cliché two, when Isabella is kidnapped by a local gangster as part of his people trafficking business. Of course this is just a side line to him being a kickboxer manager, looking to fix the match between David and his own fighter, so as to make a ton of cash.

It’s seriously average stuff, but at least there’s enough action to keep things going. We get street fighting, bar room brawling, and ring matches. They even tool up with automatic weapons in another back alley, making them professional vigilantes. The theme of the film is that Rio is a sort of unruly wild west. Kill or be killed. So that’s what they do, giving us some gunplay and a Beverley Hills Cop style mansion assault. The story takes some odd twists to help fill the running time, and give our bulging hero some unusual endurance tests to prove his might.

I’m sorry to say that the only thing that sounds dumber than the plot is Sasha Mitchell playing the part of Sloan. He doesn’t have the charisma to carry the film, and is no great actor. Surprising then that he is the lead in three of the four Kickboxer sequels. Although, familiarity is an important ingredient in B-Movies, and they weren’t likely to get Van Damme back. There is a lot of playful banter between the two leads, but it’s neither actors’ strong points. Plus the dialogue was a poor imitation of many of the buddy cop movies of the 80s. Most of the jokes fell flat for me. For a change I found myself most forgiving of the child actors’ performances. They managed to hold their own, and outshine a lot of the wooden bit parts. Most disappointing was perhaps, Dennis Chan, who feels surplus to requirements as Xian. All he does is make random philosophical comments, and occasionally remind Sloan to meditate. As the role also requires a calm demeanour, he tends to fade into the background.

The villains were par for the ‘in the shadow of Miami Vice’ times. Sharp suits, colourful shirts, sensible middle-aged haircuts, and a dire need for some anger management classes. They do make for a laugh though. I liked that the chief kidnapper Bronco cited his day job as an investment banker. Something which in the current economical climate would be enough to shoot him regardless. Also, one of the most unintentionally funny lines was from the big bad gangster Lane about his child trafficking prostitution ring, delivered mid fight, “Kids are more mature now, it’s the nineties pal.” The defence rests.

As you can tell, it’s a pretty adult plot, but the only real gratuity is the fighting and body count. There’s little profanity, and nothing sexual. A contrast to modern western films where those would be pre-requisites. Kickboxer 3 is an action film first, and, well, not much else. Would you expect any less from a writer whose next film would be Leprechaun 4: In Space? Marvellous. Despite all this, I much preferred American Ninja 3 and that had a really goofy plot in comparison.

[2.3/10 | 659 votes | stats from 3rd April 2008]

So far:
Joie De Vivre: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Walking Dead: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#75 The Last Sign (2005)

So, Andie MacDowell pays the bills. I wish. Watching Andie MacDowell set up a direct debit would generate greater levels of excitement and tension. Sadly, in reality, MacDowell plays the part of recently widowed Kathy. She finds herself better off without her alcoholic and abusive husband, but has begun receiving anonymous phone calls and experiencing disturbing coincidences and flashbacks. It is affecting her social life and could result in a total breakdown. If only it were that interesting.

First up, I was getting mixed messages about how Kathy felt. There was no sense of freedom from her husband’s accidental death, and little background to go on. It’s never a good sign that you need to refer to the back of the DVD case for a plot point. The slow moving plot feels deliberately vague in an attempt to make something from nothing. Eventually we get round to a few supernatural happenings that create some genuine mystery, but it’s all a bit short lived and predictable. The other plotline is that of the rich, intelligent, hunky, neighbour with enough free time to give fatherly advice to Kathy’s teenage son, and with a manly voice suitable for sports commercials. What luck, like part exchanging your clapped out nasty husband for a shiny new one from Harrods.

As far as I can gather the film’s message is essentially get on with your life. Staying on message I would first advise you to avoid this film. I’ve seen greater wisdom from a fortune cookie. They cost less and taste better too. I found The Last Sign to be a wholly unrewarding experience.

Andie MacDowell seems to have found the trough from her Four Weddings peak in the early 90s. Tim Roth (best known from Pulp Fiction) plays the dead husband, in a role that consists entirely of flashbacks. Maybe this should have been called ‘where early nineties actors go to die’. Then Margot Kidder (the original filmic Lois Lane) turns up although you’d hardly notice. Beyond that the only notable character is the irritating kooky co-worker from personnel, who should be fired for rooting through Kathy’s file and going on about her dead husband. A typical piece of coincidence scripting that a busy body co-worker happens to be well versed in holding séances.

I could run through the usual list or pros and cons regarding direction and pacing, but the over riding feeling I got was how incredibly bland everything was. They’ve clearly spent enough money to get the film superficially looking good. They have a competent crew, but there isn’t any flair. I’ll never forget Darth Vader chopping off Luke’s hand. Equally I’ll never forget Rock Biter singing Born To Be Wild on his bicycle in Neverending Story 3 (much as I might want to). Whilst The Last Sign sits somewhere in a cinematic blind spot, where I can barely remember what happened the next day. It begs the question, is a truly awful film one which is such an utter waste of time? At least trash like Monster A Go-Go makes for an amusing anecdote.

I seriously wonder who green-lighted this script. It’s in the pitiful territory of a twenty year old TV movie, with wasted actors throughout. If you really love tearjerkers and soppy romances then you might find some interest. Although I’d much sooner recommend the 2002 film Dragonfly with Kevin Costner, which has a similar but more engaging story line. And come on, it's Kevin. Does The Last Sign deserve to be in the Bottom 100 films? I’ve no problem with it.

[2.3/10 | 814 votes | stats from 3rd April 2008]

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Painful - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#76 The Smokers (2000)

It’s been quite some time since I’ve ventured into the realms of the bottom 100. What happened? The Smokers happened. Take a look at the warning signs.

1. The Box: The cheap cover design is an obvious start, but hardly conclusive as fans of cult hits like Bad Taste will attest. A tagline that tries to emulate a critics positive quotation, and the only actual quotations being attributed to no-one, most likely because the only person who said them was the producer to the marketing team. The listing of as many big movies associated with the actors as possible, even desperately adding Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Also highlighting Thora Birch in order to cash in on American Beauty despite her role here amounting to all of 10 minutes. Speaking of which, Thora Birch looks younger here, hinting that The Smokers was not released for some time after completion. Perhaps it would have sat on the shelf longer if two of it’s actors hadn’t become bigger stars. (Birch and Dominique Swain)

2. The Subject Matter: The blurb on the back of the box describes it as “a trio of seventeen year old girls surviving teenage life.” Hold up a minute. If this is set in Bhagdad then I’ll let that phrase go. Otherwise I’d suggest ‘surviving teenage life” usually indicates a film trying to hype whatever central unrealistic scenario it has. If it’s not a comedy then expect to find the director wearing his/her colon as a choker. The other two highlighted selling points of this story are a ‘.44 calibre revolver’ and an ‘aggressive sexual awakening’. I fail to see the relevance of the weapons calibre, unless it’s a distraction from the fact these are the ingredients of a shock and awe film, more at home in a grindhouse cinema than anywhere with aesthetic merit.

3. The Director: It’s her first film, so I would normally approach it with an open mind. However, a glance at her CV shows that after making The Smokers she changed her name and turned to directing porn films such as Young Sluts inc 10 and Campus Confessions 8. Not encouraging.

I could probably go on, but let’s get into the meat of it. Set at a boarding school filled with rich kids in their mid to late teens, the story concerns three of the more anarchic girls, and their relationships with the opposite sex. Karen, Jefferson, and Lisa are the so called ‘smokers’, frequently of cannabis. Tired of being treated as a sex object, Karen (Busy Philips), decides it's time to give men a taste of their own medicine using her friends gun. The three plan a sexual assault on a boy that has been treating Lisa poorly. Things don't go exactly as planned, although as the gun changes hands between the girls there are more incidents.

As far as coming of age stories go this has to be one of the more over the top ones. It's hard to know whether the intention was a feminist message or an exploitation flick. For an exploitation film there are no genuinely titillating or thrilling scenes, and the feminist message goes no further than comparing a penis to a gun. It's confusing and disappointing. The film treads an unusual line between too unbelievable and too realistic. The blasé inclusion of drug taking and a culture of loitering without intent will strike a chord with many who had mis-spent youths. The pacing is realistically slow, containing many seemingly motiveless and pointless scenes. I felt as though I was missing a lot of previous character development, making much of it redundant. As if I were watching a couple of episodes in the middle of a daily soap. Sadly, despite it's explicit sex and drugs story lines, The Smokers will never be as entertaining as a good Sunset Beach omnibus. For a character driven film this is a major flaw. And whilst the pacing may have realism, little else does, right down to the quite implausible finale, which I shouldn’t elaborate on.

This combination of miscues makes it increasingly hard to watch. More out of a lack of interest than anything else, even with all the casual rape chatter. The best, surprisingly tense, scene in the film happens early on and is wasted on a peripheral character (Thora Birch) who is otherwise an overblown stereotype. Although Birch manages to make the best of the role, making her the only character you may want to see a little more of.

The acting ranges from okay to ‘if I threaten a puppies life will you please make an effort?’ In fairness to Miss Swain, the only thing she's done wrong here is be in the film. While her performance is far from stellar, the material largely fades her into the background. Busy Philips seems to have built her character around pulling faces. It borders on a depiction of the mentally ill, or maybe that was what she was going for. It’s hard to tell. The male actors were for some reason uniformly atrocious. It was hard to believe such charisma free characters in various sexual relationships.

For the most part The Smokers tested my patience with it’s confused messages, terrible performances, and a directionless plot. There are one or two glimmers of an interesting snapshot of life trying to get through, but it’s no match for a film like Kids, which handles similar storylines in a far more engrossing manner.

[2.3/10 | 1,505 votes | stats from 27th March 2008]
(I know, just two more oldies before recent stats kick in)

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Vomit Inducing - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)