#80 Horrors of Spider Island

Fans of the old black and white era monster movies hoping for some no frills fun should do a quick about turn. What we have here is a west german nudie picture, spiced up with a brief and tenuous mutant spiders plot, then later having most of the nude scenes cut out. I guess they thought after having toured the 'raincoat' cinemas, they could later try and flog it at some more mainstream places. With or without the nudity the quality of the film isn't really affected; merely it's practical applications.

Things kick off seedily enough with a little slow jazz, and the auditions for a dancing troupe, soon to be jetted off for shows in Singapore. In a time where crooners, rock and roll, and exciting dance steps are still the defining trends, the use of dance and music is the first of a few gimmicks. We get a quick glimpse of the sleazy manager Gary Webster (Alexander D'Arcy), and more than a glimpse of stocking from some of the young hopefuls. It's not long until they are jetting off in a private plane and crashing into the ocean. Now stranded on a remote tropical island, the name of the game is survival.



Or it would be, if things weren't made so easy for them. The main implication is that Gary and all his helpless girls spend most of their days sunbathing in their underwear, taking swims, and occasionally complaining about rations. All while creepy Gary gets some smooching in. I wasn't aware of the film's nature before watching it, but there was a clear turning point. Not long after all the dancers declare the island too hot and strip down to their smalls, a couple of girls have an argument and 'cat-fight'. It's a long lingering scene with lots of moist thighs and no shame.

So far I've hardly mentioned the spiders. Despite the short running time, they're barely in it. When first introduced it's as if there's a different director. It's eerily lit, and for such comparatively cheap effects quite effective. Mores the shame it only lasts for a few minutes. Regardless of the title this is just a subplot to the main 'action' on show. The horror element of the film is frequently put on hold, which seriously disturbs the pace and any chance of tension. Instead of any sustained story line we are treated to twenty minutes of an all night swinging bikini party.



If you hadn't already guessed, the characters are wafer thin. I'd go so far as to say the woman don't have characters. They start as objects, then look helpless, then shed their clothes, and do a little screaming. The quality of the dialogue is atrocious. A simple example will illustrate the point. On arrival they search for other people and soon find a hammer. Gary remarks, "It must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal, most probably uranium." Yes Gary, those speciality handheld uranium hammers are very recognisable. It couldn't just be a regular hammer from the hardware store, or are you trying to imply something Mr Screenwriter?

While this is all a little before my time, the star of the film is arguably Barbara Valentin, a confident sassy blonde, described as an icon of Munich gay scene. Many of the other actresses have only a few films to their name. Careers aside they are all very attractive and so fill the roles admirably. The male actors just look happy to be there, in an equal state of undress. It's hard to fairly judge the acting due to the poor dubbing, and woeful script. Let's just say it's nothing to write home about.



If you can navigate your way through the deeply subtle script, bare chested men in neckerchiefs, point and shoot cinematography, objectification of woman, pointless over-descriptive dialogue, sleazy jazz music (actually quite cool), and a laughable hybrid spider monster with make-up straight out of The Wolf Man, you're a stronger person than I am. This was a struggle. Fleetingly amusing for it's blatantly dirty style, somewhat offensive for it's porno characterizations (keeping women's lib chained to the kitchen sink), and an interesting seedling for the exploitation era that would explode throughout the sixties and seventies. I must admit it feels a little ironic posting this review on international woman's day. Welcome to sexploitation - fifties style. Gotta say, these woman simply don't have enough fur to be truly sexy. I don't know what all the hub-bubs about.

[2.4/10 | 1,039 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Most Fun - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst of the Worst - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)