#84 Bloodrayne (2005) again...

Yes, it's that bad it sunk even lower in the ratings. Rather than bore you with yet more details of how awful this film is, I will sum it up in pictures.







Happy Halloween...

#85 Pinata: Survival Island (2002)

[aka Demon Island]

Would I rather watch Pinata, or be a Pinata? Tough question. Both involve a fair amount of suffering.

Everything starts with a history lesson told by a gravely ethnic voice. Telling the tale of a Mexican village over a hundred years ago suffering from droughts and famine, believing they are cursed by evil spirits. A shaman conducts a ritual (pig hearts and all) to trap the evil that plagues the land inside a pinata. Then they chucked it in the river and ate a load of candy. There were apparently no fly-tipping laws in those days.

Cut to 2001, a sunny island, pop music, lots of skin baring college teens having a water fight. They're on a bizarre charity scavenger hunt that involves collecting thousands of pairs of underwear all over the island. Whilst handcuffed together in pairs. Soon enough someone finds a washed up pinata and does what any self respecting, drug fuelled, panty hunting teen would do. Hit it with a stick. I'm sure everyone knows what will follow.



Written and directed by what I will assume is the Hillenbrand brothers, Scott and David, their previous offering was King Cobra – a sequel to Anaconda. Enough said already I think, but I should give them a fair hearing. It's rubbish. Another 'teens die horribly' film. All the usual rules apply; smoke drugs – die, get jiggy – die, make bad jokes – die. All thanks to the NIMBY tribe. Speaking of which that intro sequence tells you the entire plot, destroying any chance of some potentially fun surprises. Then the Hillenbrand brothers have the gall to explain it all again later for the benefit of the dying teens. It's this kind of lazy film-making that typifies Pinata. I can only conclude that this movie was more about getting a quick buck off the Hollywood horror obsession that's been going strong for nearly a decade.

For the most part the camerawork is about as mundane as possible, aside from some random slow motion shots at inappropriate moments, and really ugly point of view shots from the pinata bearing a loose similarity to Predator. Other than the modern effects and video quality the whole film is very reminiscent of the cheap schlock that came out in the straight to video horror craze of the eighties. This wouldn't be as bad as it is if it didn't take itself so seriously. How that's possible with a killer pinata I don't know. It lacks atmosphere, and the story is on such well-trodden ground I doubt even the best directors could do much to improve it without a total overhaul. The core audience for this type of movie will be wanting cheap thrills, and while there is a little gore it generally fails to deliver. It barely deserves the 18 rating, probably best used to spare as many people as possible from watching it.



The pinata monster looks sort of cool (in a cheesy way) in the brief moments where it's a man in a suit. Then suddenly starts looking like a cheap rejected computer game sequence when the CGI takes over. And it takes over far too much and in the most under-whelming fashion thinkable. One of our sweet filled friend's chosen methods of death is of course hitting people with a stick. I guess it's supposed to be ironic, but ends up looking cheap. It may have been a wasted opportunity to set things on a tropical island. Imagine if the pinata had crashed a pool hall, and all the glorious potential stick hitting action. Perhaps even more amusingly I've actually seen stick hitting deaths done far better in other films, such as Sleepaway Camp 2. No kidding.

The acting is of the sort of standard you could expect from taking the supporting cast from numerous TV shows, and it's not too far from what they've done. There are no great performances, though it's all very easy on the eye. The leads are played by Nicholas Brendon (who was Xander in Buffy), and Jaime Pressly, whose other roles include Poison Ivy: The New Seduction and The Karate Dog. After that it's faceless, one dimensional, pinata fodder.



I've no sympathy for this movie. It gives horror a bad name, and for it has rightfully sunk into the IMDb bottom 100, scoring an average of 2.6 out of a possible 10, with 1,341 votes (as of 17th July). The tagline reads 'A weekend to dismember.' Just forget it.


So far:
Yay – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Yeuck – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#86 Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994)

When I started this thing I thought I'd missed a bullet, as this film moved from No.91 and out of the bottom 100 when I updated my buying list some time ago. Unfortunately it has now fallen back down to an even lower position of No.86, scoring an average of 2.6 with 8,569 votes. (as of 17th July 2007). However, while I was really expecting to loathe this film (the sort of film that relies on kicking a grown man in the knackers for it best laughs), it's actually just fairly average. A lightweight comedy trying to cater for the remaining fans of the series, but failing to grab the wider audience. I've seen all the Police Academy films, and they do get worse with every installment, with this one being the exception. Part 6 (City Under Siege) was utter garbage, and so Mission to Moscow is a minor improvement on it.

The plot kicks off as some of our Police Academy regulars are invited to Russia to help investigate the Russian Mafia. Soon things centre around a computer game, funded by the Russian Mafia, simply called 'The Game'. It's highly addictive, and why are the Mafia behind it? It's a pretty tenuous storyline, but that's hardly anything new. Much stranger is how any of these guys are still employed. Captain Harris (GW Bailey) has become a more and more bizarre character over the years. Turning from an arrogant and strict character into one that likes to undermine his own officers with little motive other than shenanigans.

Of the regular cast we also have my favourite, Commandant Lassard (George Gaynes) who was 77 years old when this was filmed. Sgt. Jones (Michael Winslow) best known as the guy who does the funny noises. He's underused this time, and no where near as funny compared to earlier films. Sgt. Tackleberry (David Graf) who isn't just gun crazy but somewhat unhinged as he rants on about excessive force restrictions. And Capt. Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), who is contractually obliged to end up in some very supportive lingerie before the credits roll. In addition to them we have another youngun trying to take on the Guttenberg mantle in the shape of Cadet Connors (Charlie Schlatter).

Surprisingly this appears to be quite a big production compared to previous films in the series, what with filming in Russia, including Gorky Park and Red Square. They also have some bigger named actors at various stages of their careers. Claire Forlani (Meet Joe Black) plays the obligatory beautiful Russian cop love interest. Christopher Lee (Lord of the Rings) is the Russian Commandant Rakov, and gets to shout at the useless Americans and kiss Lassard (surely the biggest draw the film has). Then there's Ron Perlman in full on caricature Mafia Boss mode as Konstantine Konali. He's a very naughty boy.

It's an eclectic cast that don't sit together that well. The regulars appear to be mostly sleepwalking through their lines. While the new characters are putting in much more energetic, over the top, performances as the largely slapstick and goofy material suggests. And slapstick is certainly high on the agenda; with a strangely large amount of acrobatics. A character doesn't just fall over, they fall over backwards, flip round a couple of times, ricochet off an amusingly shaped object, get hit in the nuts to the sound of animal noises, then fall in the mud, which they slowly spit out. It's not all like that, in fact it's not even that creative. The series now exists in an exaggerated environment more like a cartoon, where high pitched singing can break glasses. Safe to say if that's not your cup of tea, then look away.

It's aiming for the big kid market, but lacks the charm, surrealism, or imagination of things like the Police Squad/Naked Gun series. Ending up feeling better to suited to children's entertainment, a change that has been evolving throughout the series. You'll not see any bare breasts like there were in the original Police Academy. A real shame with Claire Forlani now on board.

On the whole it's a valiant effort to revive the series; wanting to parody the cop genre in the same way that Happy Gilmore sends up the generic underdog film formula. Unfortunately, Mission to Moscow's humour is so tame it can never pull it off. Leaving it a very cliched and formulaic film with weak jokes. The script felt like it came from an automatic scene generator. Many scenes having no relevance to the main story, and would be more at home in a sketch show. Although one of the funniest parts was completely unrelated. A truly surreal subplot (or running gag) where he crashes a Russian families funeral and seems to get adopted by them. I question whether Lassard has slipped into full on dementia at last.

This should be an easy target, but I don't think it deserves the mandatory beating it regularly gets. By the halfway point it did feel a little like an anaesthetic. My mind was numbed. Not bothered or entertained. Simply watching, endlessly, into the nothing. I smirked in one or two places, so I'm sure some will enjoy it. Most likely anyone who really liked the previous two or three films. Some of the humour is directed squarely at fans of the series. So long as you aren't looking for a riveting realistic police story (Top Cat is grittier), and enjoy watching the continued humiliation of Captain Harris, then Mission to Moscow is watchable, if not actually any good.



So far:
Chocolate Eclair – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Rancid Lemon – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

B100 List Update

Here's the latest update. Actually from a while back on 17th July 2007. They'll be quite a few on the way soon though. As you can see, an eclectic bunch.

#87 The Neverending Story III: Escape From Fantasia (1994)

The original Neverending Story (1984) is without doubt a children's classic. The second installment in 1990 met with much criticism and disappointment, but nothing could prepare you for this contemptible disaster. Usually when I see a film that is generally considered bad, I can find something to invest a little interest in. Perhaps a good actor, a flawed idea that could have worked, some amusing mistakes, a good costume, funny dialogue. There's usually something to get hold of and empathise with the film-makers. This time I was clutching at straws through the pain.

To briefly summarize the plot, we meet Bastian Balthazar Bux (child cruelty?) who in the last two films helped save the magical world of Fantasia via a book called The Neverending Story. The book serves as a portal between the two worlds, and chronicles the adventures that occur. Whilst being chased by a group of school bullies called 'The Nasties', Balthazar hides in the books world of Fantasia. The Nasties read the book and, without batting an eyelid, quickly accept that it's all real because it describes everything going on around them. They decide to use the power of the book to destroy Fantasia and Bastian; just for a laugh it would seem. Meanwhile, Bastian must get back to the real world and get the book in order to stop them. Unfortunately, when he leaves Fantasia something goes wrong and and some of the fantastical looking citizens of Fantasia get trapped in the real world. It is vital that they be returned before Bastian can use a charm to fix Fantasia, or else they will be trapped in the real world.



Heading up the cast is Jack Black, in one of his earliest roles, as the leader of 'The Nasties'. Whilst he has a screen presence strong enough to leave Jason James Richter (the boy from Free Willy playing Bastian) in the shadows, he also plays it so hammy you'd think he was auditioning for the lead role of Babe 3: Porcine Holocaust. I realise that much of Jack Black's brand of humour comes from his excesses, but there is a lack of finesse here that when matched with the lazy script grates quite horribly.

The rest of the cast has seen numerous changes, so that it no longer stars anyone from either of the previous films. The biggest change is that every character from the world of Fantasia now sounds terminally stupid. Anyone from Fantasia basically gets stuck in the 'light relief rubber puppet' category and none can salvage a shred of integrity. It's a sorry state of affairs, as I recall the big pink dragon Falkor fondly from my youth, only to have him turned into a quipping buffoon. The final straw was a gag where he gets the horn for a street parade's Chinese dragon, to the great distress of it's occupants.



Another favourite, Rock-Biter (a giant man made of rock), gets a wife and kid in scenes reminiscent of a bad episode of Dinosaurs (90s sitcom). The costumes look like the cheap men in suits they are. There is nothing magical about watching him and his wife bicker and throw crockery at each other. The highlight of the entire film was watching Rock-Biter go shopping on his bike whilst singing “Born to be Wild”. Yes, it's a full on music sequence including 'comedy' running over puppets moments. The tiresome characters don't end there. We get a couple of gnomes (one played by Tony Robinson), whose entire contribution to the film is a half hour gag about needing to go pee. And a big rubbery fake tree man that sounds like Jimmy Durante; I wanted to kill it.



So the characters are uniformly awful, and the reason I've barely mentioned the human ones is because they are so dull and clichéd it hardly matters. There is a sub-plot (arguably the focal lesson of the movie) about Bastian's stepmother and sister, family strength against adversity and the like. It's trite Hollywood manipulation at it's worst. There are pop songs and pop culture references everywhere, from Arnold Schwarzenegger to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The most successful message the story carried was that kids should read more, and this movie provides the perfect motivation. I wanted to switch it off within half an hour, but managed to rubber-neck my way through it out of stubborn disbelief.

There is a long trend in franchise kids films that each sequel requires less subtlety and style than the one before, and director Peter 'Rambo III' MacDonald fulfils this requirement effortlessly. It really does look like no effort was made at all. Hardly surprising when handed a script fit only for a shredder. One of the biggest disappointments is the lack of fantasy elements that were so vivid in the first film. By quickly moving all the action to our reality, most of the awe evapourates. Worse still when the most memorable moments include a madcap chase through the mall. The plot goes nowhere, and the jokes are as obvious as they are unfunny. If you make it to the end credits you'll also be wowed by the two specially written songs, 'Dream On' and 'Mission of Love', which both name check the movie – sick buckets at the ready.

Having such a passionate dislike for The Neverending Story part 3: Escape to Fantasia (Phew – mouthful) worried me. Am I intolerant of children's movies? After all, they are meant for a less discerning viewer. Then I remind myself that the first film in this series is very good, a bank holiday favourite, and there are lots of good quality fantasies like The Dark Crystal and Lord of the Rings. It's just that The Neverending Movie Title (blah) is only likely to please people that are entertained by bright colours, silly voices, and fast moving objects. Not something you should be paying for. I feel so violently about this film if I were one of the unfortunate souls to appear even on the 'special thanks' credits, I would demand my name removed. Not so surprisingly the film was in the IMDB bottom 100 list; on 8th May 2007 it scored an average of 2.5 out of 10 from 1,876 votes. Awful film.


So far:
Best film – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst film – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)



Thankfully it did end.

#88 Prince of Space (1959)

[aka Yusei Oji, aka Planet Prince]

Produced in Japan in the late 50s, this is en early example of their boom in superhero films. For the supposed benefit of foreign audiences it has been dubbed into English. This is one film where, for the sake of the writers' reputation, I hope it's lost a lot in translation. In all fairness though, it may have lost something in it's adaptation. Prince of Space was originally transmitted as a series of 49 episodes, and from it two movies were made. The two movies were then edited into a single movie for American audiences. Knowing that the finished product is such an amalgam makes it harder to rate on normal terms, but I'll give it my best shot.

The story begins when a random spaceship turns up out of nowhere. It's leader, The Phantom of Krankor, hijacks the airwaves and announces they will soon land and make their demands. Then threatens they will obey or die, followed by his trademark “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” Yes. The guy doing the dubbing actually goes, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” in a slow, drawn out, stupid sounding way. So bad it's funny, and it will occur many many times before the end of the film.



The Phantom of planet Krankor is the sort of villain who likes to start speeches with, “Attention people of Earth.” He calls himself both an ambassador and a dictator at different times, and resembles a human being with a cheaply stuck on cardboard beak nose (the kind you might find in an xmas cracker), and a television aerial on his head. His fake moustache looks like it's upside down – although that could be an alien thing. I won't go too deeply into the frilly jacket and lack of proper undergarments. It's strange that even before he lands some scientists say they know what he wants; a new rocket fuel which will make space exploration easier. How they figured that, when the fuel hasn't been tested yet and he is already flying considerable distances in space, is anyone's guess. They even make the usual scare-mongering claims that if he gets the fuel then they could conquer the world in a week. Having absolutely zero knowledge of these aliens naturally doesn't affect any of their predications.

None of that really matters though as Price of Space also turns up out of nowhere to beat the aliens of Krankor into submission and send them home. Prince of Space comes with a full polyester outfit, short cape, plastic face mask, and trigger actioned multi-purpose stick. He can say a variety of phrases including, “I am Prince of Space” and ”Your weapons have no effect on me”.

On that note, amongst the frequent and pointless encounters between the Krankorians (Krankies?) and Prince of Space, he keeps telling them that their guns won't harm him or his ship. I guess because he's super. In response, The Phantom's great plan is to “get the laser canon!” Idiot. He continues to keep trying to shoot him, no matter that it always fails. At one point he tries to cook him in a special griddle weapon, but none of their weapons work. This is the major problem with Prince of Space – aside from the weird outfits. His only super-power is being invincible. There's no danger, and the whole thing becomes a very silly farce.

However, at the same time, this utter silliness is one of it's saving graces. All the over the top kids melodrama, with American square-jaw voices, and extremely corny dialogue, can be really funny. Once he says your weapons are useless for the tenth time I wanted to join in like a pantomime. In fact I think a theatre version is long overdue. The terrible acting of terrible characters (these are some of the thickest scientists I've ever seen) just adds to it. I wish my knowledge of Japanese B-movie cast and crew was a little better so I could point out the repeat offenders, but everyone here fits the bill. Whoever thought to name the main town Beaver Falls should have realised how stupid it sounds in a Japanese film. Just one of the many chuckles.

It's a traditionally cheap and cheerful production, with kids in mind. As usual some irritating kids become central to the action, exclaiming “Prince of Space, woot, yay” at any given opportunity. It's filled with the usual stock sound effects of musical saws, possibly a theremin. The Krankor spaceship is actually quite a cool design in a retro way. It all boils down to a very dated film that most will either love or hate. It's a thumbs... well... paw up from me, and makes it to my favourite film in the B100 yet.

So far:
Favourite – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Horrible – #95 The King and I (1999)

And the usual stats: On 8th may 2007 Prince of Space featured at number 88 on the IMDB bottom 100 list, with a total of 1,055 votes, giving it an average of 2.5 out of 10.

Just as a note, I've let these build up a little so expect quite a few more over the coming days...

#89 Bloodrayne (2005)

Bloodrayne started life as a computer game, but I've never played it, so I'm reviewing this film entirely on its own merits. I've never seen a film by director Uwe Boll before, and if this is indicative of his style and talent I hope never to see one again. In recent years he seems to enjoy adapting video games, with titles like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, Dungeon Siege, and this autumn's Postal. He also seems to enjoy violence, gore and boobies, which Bloodrayne provides in perhaps overly generous portions. Okay, let's be honest – this is just plain gratuitous. Gratuitous unoriginal nonsense at that.

The plot is... um... confusing and forgettable, as I'm proving now. Essentially the central character Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a half human, half vampire person who kills really well. She is out to kill a nasty top dog vampire called Kagan (Ben Kingsley), and must collect some magical wotsit in order to do it. Other than that there is some personal tragedy back story, weird tribal posturing involving numerous cameo roles and a lot of blood. It feels like a poor Blade rip-off, which is probably where the computer game got it's inspiration. Once returned to the silver screen, Boll's direction takes a poor script (name and shame Guinevere Turner) and drives it into the ground, leaving a disjointed and gaudy mess.



Right from the start it's full of special effects, wobbly backgrounds, shaky cam, stylistic colour corrections for super-dramatic sunsets, jump cuts. Unfortunately it largely undermines a few effectively brutal moments scattered about the film. Then further undermined as each fight scene tries to outdo the last with ever more outlandish and disgusting scenes of murder. Decapitations, scalping, drawn out torture, various impalings through every part of the body, every possible limb is severed. The list goes on as the viewer becomes increasingly desensitised. The effects themselves are pretty good, whilst the fighting is quite implausibly over the top. However, one of the few things that kept me watching was to see how far they could up the ante on the gore.

The root of Bloodrayne's problems are that it has a weak structure that feels very much like watching a video game being played. It's mostly action scenes broken up by brief conversations and clues, which serve only to give exposition on the plot, and leaves the characters feeling barely two dimensional. Worse still, it fails to adequately get the plot across to those unfamiliar with the game. I could loosely tell what was going on, but only in the vaguest terms and with no vested interest in any of the characters.

Michael Madsen's character is introduced early on as a hard-nosed vampire killer in the blackest of manners, determined, and absent of emotion. He also seems thoroughly bored to even be there. With him is Michelle Rodriguez (currently in Lost), providing one of the more engaging performances, and Matthew Davis (who?) doing his best impression of dish water. In an attempt to entice more hapless viewers there are various dodgy cameos. Ben Kingsley's being the most notable as it's a vital role and yet has little actual screen time. He adds some authority to a an underwritten part, but again looks as lifeless as his undead character. Billy Zane appears – I have yet to appreciate the reason why. At least he looked good. Then Meat Loaf spends a couple of scenes giving his best vampiric version of Hermann Goring.



I do wonder if the writers looked at the script and thought, “we haven't filled all the prerequisites for a tasteless adolescent fantasy yet.” So they randomly have two characters have a big sex scene and later try to make out there is some kind of genuine relationship. It's a pretty pathetic bums-on-seats attitude to film-making when they should have been paying attention to story-telling. Further pointless excesses and clichés include lesbian kissing, surprise family members, and a tooled up training sequence.

In the second act it tries to create a brooding uncertain atmosphere. Building up the tension between characters, the tribal war games between head vampires. Due to the paper thin characters and lack of an inventive plot it plunges the film into a series of painfully dull and overblown sequences. Bloodrayne disappears up it's own arse as it uses every trick off the Lord of the Rings extras disc to aspire to an epic level it has no chance of reaching.

Then the most puzzling excess of all. At the end of the film, before rolling the credits we get what I can only describe as a two minute Montage of Blood. A compilation of all the most gruesome moments from the film crammed together for no reason whatsoever. I was simultaneously gob-smacked and in hysterics at the sheer audacity.



Bloodrayne deserves it's embarrassingly poor status on the internet. As of 8th May 2007 it had an average score of 2.5 out of ten, from 9,660 votes. Shockingly a sequel is on the way later this year, and Uwe Boll is still directing it. There are times when words fail me... This isn't one of them. Do NOT watch this film.

And it got six nominations in the Razzie Awards.

So far:
Best film – #96 Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – #95 The King and I (1999)

#90. Teen Wolf Too (1987)

I've got to say that I enjoyed Teen Wolf. So this sequel always had something to live up to. The original was a highly silly, yet charming piece of 80s kitsch. As for Teen Wolf Too... well...

Jumping right in we meet Todd Howard, Scott's (Michael J Fox from the original) cousin. He has been dubiously offered a sports scholarship by a prestigious university's Dean, who in turn hopes he will turn Wolf and win... college boxing matches. All Todd wants to do is study to become a vet, but is under pressure to perform in the ring or loose his university place. The first thing I noticed when watching was that the plot is blatantly going to be exactly the same as the original. The second, from seeing John Astin (the original Gomez Addams and a veteran of the Killer Tomato movies) playing the Dean, it was clear this would be a much hammier and in your face movie.

There are a lot of returning characters from the first film, but not all played by the same people. Harold Howard (Scott's father and Todd's uncle), makes a couple of appearances. Oddly still played by the same actor, but the character feels totally different. Instead of being the previously wise and responsible father figure, he spends most of his time goading Todd to become a wolf and singing it's praises. Coach Finstock has for some reason stopped being a humourous, lethargic high school basketball coach, and gone into university boxing; even orchestrating the scholarship. He's also now played by Paul Sand (?) and is largely forgettable. Another previously favourite character of mine, Stiles, has also become a student here and had a face lift. Now played by Stuart Fratkin, he has little of the charm of his former, and a script which does him no favours; wheeling out the fart gags early on. One of the original basketball team, Chubbs, does return, with face intact. Although he too has made the contrived move to this university and switched his preferred sport to boxing. Perhaps he and Finstock made the decision together.

Jason Bateman heads up the cast as Todd Howard. Now best known for his role in Arrested Development, I'm afraid to say he shows little promise here. Admittedly there's not much to work with, but he only makes an impression thanks to turning into a wolf. The wolf this time round feels even more like a Jekyll character than before. Whilst Scott Howard had a desire to be the centre of attention and misguidedly uses the wolf to do so, here the transformation seduces Todd to act like an egotistical jerk against his will. It's reminiscent of Spiderman's recent transformation whilst wearing the Venom suit in Spiderman 3. The personality change goes to great extremes, as he degradingly catches frisbees with his teeth in the park, laughs at people being knocked off their bikes by his corvette, and then the crowning glory of the film. He sings “Do You Love Me?” on a balcony of a house party, with a full formation dance routine from the party guests. It's a jaw dropping moment of unintentional hilarity.

Staying with the wolf for a moment, the choice of boxing felt a tad misjudged. It was humourous watching a wolf slam dunking a basketball, and running the court. Whereas there's something uncomfortable about sticking a 6ft wolf into the ring to knock ten shades of crap out of a college kid. Maybe the university's next sporting initiative will be to put their youngsters into a caged arena with a rabid bobcat and a starved panther. Nevertheless we get a rocky style montage of the 'wolf too' beating and prancing his way through the matches. Even though most of the boxing material feels poorly tacked onto the plot.



As I've mentioned the script is essentially a remake, which is probably why Loeb and Weisman get 'story by' credits. It's the same story with a few changes of detail. The screenplay comes from Tim Kring, who went on to create and write TV series Heroes. Once again, he shows little promise at this stage of his career. The most inventive thing about Teen Wolf Too is probably it's title. The production values are low all round, as even the wolf mask is noticeably loose and rubbery. Stuart Fratkin has said that it was “One of the most tense sets I've ever worked on. Nobody seemed happy and the “Studio” (Atlantic Entertainment) put a lot of pressure on everybody to surpass the first one.” You can safely assume that they failed.



On 8th May 2007, Teen Wolf Too had an average score of 2.5 out of 10 from 3,550 votes. It placed at number 90 on the IMDB bottom 100.

Also, Teen Wolf is on the cards for a forthcoming remake – rumoured to have a female in the titular role.

So far:
Best film – Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – The King and I (1999)

91. Ghoulies 2 (1987)

Reading through the comments on IMDB my favourite quote was “twice as good as the first one. 2 out of 10.” Unfortunately I haven’t seen the original, but it doesn’t seem to matter. It was also amusing to watch the trailers on this old ex-rental, and seeing one for another movie lower down the bottom 100 – The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Looking forward to that one. Speaking of trailers, I must have seen the one for Ghoulies 2 dozens of times from other 80s straight to video films. So it was fun to finally see it.

Ghoulies 2 seems to follow on directly from the first film as a priest runs around a deserted gas station with a small bag containing some kind of animal. As with all abandoned gas stations in America there is a big steel drum of liquid marked ‘extremely toxic’ and ‘solvent’, frothing up at the top with a light mist. In goes the bag and with the help of a Ghoulie, so does the priest. What is going on? I’ve no idea. There was a Ghoulie in the bag, which survives the toxic stuff - plus a few more loitering out back.



The Ghoulies look rather dated rubbery creatures - green and slimy, each about a foot tall. It would be fair to say there are influences from the characterisations of the Gremlins and Critters. The Ghoulies are also mischievous, sadistic, and incomprehensible. Some have distinctive features - one can even fly. Although the original Ghoulies film is said to have been the first of these ‘little monster’ films to go into production, with special effects man Stan ‘Predator Aliens Terminator’ Winston briefly attached. But that’s a different story. This sequel certainly looks to be drawing on the more successful aspects of its contemporaries.

Back to the story… The central human characters are three men running a spook house called Satan’s Den, as part of a travelling carnival. The carnival is in financial trouble and it’s owners, an accountancy firm, are checking the figures and axing the least profitable acts. When the Satan’s Den truck stops for fuel, it happens to be aforementioned gas station. The Ghoulies are attracted to the pictures on the side of the truck of freaky looking monsters, much like themselves, and stow away. I’ll leave you to figure out the rest out.



Two actors stand out more than most. Firstly Royal Dano, as Ned the drunken spook house owner. He’s a good character actor and suits this kind of hammy material with a well judged slightly over-the-top performance. The other is Phil Fondacaro as spook house maintenance man Sir Nigel Pennyweight. Once again consolidating the idea that dwarfs/little people can only be actors or work in carnivals and circuses. Here they do both by having him quote lots of random Shakespeare in an attempt to add a little depth and quirkiness. Surprisingly he succeeds in raising the weak material just above boring; a greater achievement than it sounds, and something the rest of the cast failed to do.

The real stars of the show are still the Ghoulies though, putting the special effects to the fore. Through a combination of animatronics, puppetry, and a little stop motion the Ghoulies are presented effectively enough to suspend your disbelief. Naturally there are a number of deaths and a climatic finale including some great man-in-a-suit moments. Whilst nothing is especially spectacular, and the gore is toned down somewhat to obtain a PG-13 rating, it all fits together nicely.



Now it’s time to scalp producer/director Albert Band, who took a bad script and did nothing with it. Things start quickly enough and the story got my attention, but the camerawork is drab and uninspiring, with the pacing in the middle section slow enough for some people to turn off. Considering this is the man who directed the wonderfully titled ‘Dracula’s Dog’, I think his biggest gift to cinema was probably that of his son, Charles Band. A notorious B-movie maker, from the 80s up to the present day, who gets an executive producer credit here.

I won’t discuss it in too much detail, but the ending is absolutely bizarre. Coming totally out of left field. It’s as if it was the ending to a different film and somehow the script pages got mixed up. I can only guess that it was written as a hasty tongue in cheek idea. Plus there’s another hilarious directorial boo-boo. When all hell breaks loose at the carnival Albert Band directs his many extras to run around screaming in every conceivable direction for 15 minutes, without ever leaving the carnival grounds! I say chop up all these moronic fairground goers, and then get to work on the film crew.



I’ve seen dozens of these late 80s cheesy, not very scary, killer monster fests. It’s familiar territory and Ghoulies 2 doesn’t really stand out from the crowd. All the staples are there; unusual deaths, dancing girls, some cheap shots at yuppies. With the emphasis more on humour and action than suspense or gore, it ends up being stupider than other films of the era, but still passable for a few cheap laughs. However, seeing as most of the jokes fall flat or are too predictable, you’ll be more likely laughing at it, not with it. Chuck in the obligatory metal song from W.A.S.P. and were about done. What a load of pants.

Series:
Ghoulies (1985)
Ghoulies II (1987)
Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College (1990)
Ghoulies IV (1994)

As of 8th May 2007 Ghoulies 2 scored a total of 2.5 out of 10, from 807 votes. Putting it at number 91 on the IMDB bottom 100. All the other Ghoulies films are perilously close to entering the bottom 100. A possible contender for worst received series of films ever?



So far:
Best film – Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – The King and I (1999)

92. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

This is the first public domain film to appear on the list. As a result, it’s fair game and so I don’t have a box cover to show you. Instead I whipped up this mini homage with my coloured pencils. Just a bit of fun. It’s also the first film from the new list. As of 8th May 2007 it had received a respectable 3,314 votes on the IMDB bottom 100. With an average score of 2.5 out of 10, leaving it at number 92.

Should I be ashamed when I say this actually made me laugh along with some of the jokes? It’s certainly no finely crafted Bill Murray comedy, or even up to the mediocre standard of a mid series Police Academy film, but it’s not completely without merit. Although for most, it will take a very special frame of mind to avoid drowning yourself in eggnog by the final reel.

The story begins with the leader of the Martians, Kimar. He is worried about the children of Mars - especially his own. They seem unhappy, can’t sleep, suffer a loss of appetite, and watch too much Earth television. Including a special interview in the North Pole with Santa Claus. After ten minutes deliberation and consulting a magical 800 year old wise man in a rock garden, he comes to the conclusion that Mars is no fun. Obvious solution: misappropriate Earth’s yearly Christmas festival for the Martians. Most inconsiderately they don’t try to approach Santa off peak and set up a convenient mid-July Christmas on Mars. They instead decide to kidnap him just before the big day.



Their ingenious plan consists of travelling to Earth, asking a couple of kids (Billy and Betty) where Santa is, kidnap them, send a giant robot named Torg to kidnap Santa, then back home in time to make toys for the whole planet. To make it a little more challenging they decide to bring along a Martian named Voldar, who has explicitly stated he hates the plan and will most likely try to sabotage the mission. As the title suggests, it doesn’t all go to plan, and a variety of shenanigans are crammed into the short running time.

The quality of the production matches that of the story. The Martians wear odd looking skin-tight uniform like pyjamas, with murky greenish face paint and wires on their heads. There is a certain awareness of this though. When the Martians meet Betty for the first time she asks what are the things on their heads? They reply “antennae”. She responds, “Are you a television set?” It’s absurd enough to be funny. As was a confused Santa thinking one of his reindeers was called Nixon.



The acting calibre is more reminiscent of a high school play. It’s wooden at times, hammy slapstick at others, but still manages to fit in with the overall highly silly tone. Bad guy Voldar is a traditional moustache twirling villain. Once he’s killed Santa he’ll probably move on to emptying his grandmother’s pension just to keep him in Brylcreem. At the other end of the spectrum we have light relief from Dropo; the Martian equivalent of Lee Evans. Not as frenetic, but they’d both be given a run in the IQ stakes by a glass of water. (Of course I’m talking about Lee Evans in character. I’m not that nasty.)

The chap playing Santa is everything you’d expect and more. Incessantly merry, and very accommodating considering he’s being violently attacked and harassed throughout the film. I wondered if he had a small keg of liquor stashed in his suit. Most of the cast actually make an impression whether for better or worse, particularly the newsreader faced with the daunting announcement, “Martians have kidnapped Santa Claus!!!”

As with all of the most embarrassing movies ever made, it has a specially written song. Sung by a rowdy group of kids in unison, here’s an excerpt.

“You spell it S-A-N-T-A! C-L-A-U-S!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Yeah yeah for Santy Claus
He's fat and round, but jumpin' jiminy!
He can climb down any chim-in-y!”

Now why they would spell it ‘S-A-N-T-A’, then sing it ‘Santy’, is just another of many baffling oddities.



To say Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is ridiculous would be an understatement. To say it has a good production is to be both blind and deaf. However, looking at it in the context of a mid 60s film aimed at 6 year olds, it really is just a harmless bit of fun. In some ways it resembles a live action Hanna-Barbera cartoon, on a shoestring budget. There’s no subtlety, a complete disregard for reality, the jokes are clearly played for the camera. There’s so much in the plot that doesn’t make sense it’d be futile to list it all. I doubt it was taken any more seriously then than it is now.

If you’re feeling brave, give it a go. Surely anything beats spending another hour and a half with Dudley Moore.

Despite a relatively favourable review, it still can’t beat Ator’s bizarre antics in the Italian countryside for raw entertainment value.

So far:
Best film – Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – The King and I (1999)

93. Underclassman (2005)

It’s a bad sign when the first scene in a film about a wise-cracking black undercover cop is a very poorly directed rip off of the first scene in Beverly Hills Cop. This film wants to be Beverly Hill Cop so badly it’s quite painful to see them fail. The director even goes on record to say they were trying to emulate that style in the ‘making of’ DVD extra. ‘Trying’ is most definitely the word.

When a student at an elite private high school is killed, our bike cop hero, Tre (Nick Cannon), is sent in undercover to catch the killer. There’s the obligatory preppie gags as Tre tries to fit in. A nerdy water boy who’s cool really but nobody notices, who is also the white kid trying to talk ‘black’ and making a fool of himself. A caricature authoritarian headmaster. Some montage sports scenes of Basketball (that Tre naturally excels at) and Rugby. A sexy Spanish teacher (Roselyn Sanchez), who takes a liking to Tre’s roguish charm. Rich jocks as prime suspects. Couple all that with police Captain Delgado (Cheech Marin) doing the whole tough on the outside boss routine, a pedestrian car chase, and a highly predictable plot. This is so heavily packed with clichés it more closely resembles an old arcade game than a serious attempt at writing for the cinema.



The writing comes from the authors of The Girl Next Door and Van Wilder with a ‘story by’ credit going to Nick Cannon. While this feels like a Cannon vehicle, considering the script-writers better previous work and Cannon’s lacklustre performance, I think it’s Cannon that is dragging his own vehicle down. In it’s favour the humour is gentler than many other films. You won’t find any big gross outs here, and that’s refreshing. The main problem I found was that the jokes simply aren’t that funny, and Cannon lacks any of the charm required to make you want to laugh. I’d quite happily have seen him shot in the second act.



When the film stops trying to be funny it only manages to deliver functional dialogue and recycled ideas. Gems like, “Sometimes hunches are how cases are solved” are delivered with embarrassing sincerity. Despite being incredibly formulaic it still manages to chuck in a slightly confusing plot hole during the finale. Director Marcos Siega, who has mostly worked in television, does a standard job with the material. He could easily be replaced by a legion of other decent directors without anyone noticing. In all fairness to him, the script is so bereft of potential he’s done well not to make it as boring as it must look on paper.

Performance wise Nick Cannon is annoying. He clearly wants to be funny, with his big arm gestures and over the top delivery. It’s very much a case of style over substance, and it’s unlikely he’ll ever be a major star. Cheech Marin (of Cheech and Chong fame) and Kelly Hu (X-Men 2) are the only other notable actors due to their previous work. Both are on autopilot, and capable of more given the right material.



I’ve come down pretty hard on this quite frankly because it’s easy to. There’s nothing terribly offensive about this movie. Its major crimes are the unoriginality and a lot of very poor jokes. When the peak of intelligence is the ham-fisted painting metaphors with a paintball game it really is time to call it a day. No surprises it made number 93 on the IMDB bottom 100 with a score of 2.6 out of a possible 10, from 1,526 votes (as of 1st Feb 2007). Ultimately it has already left the bottom 100 because it was competently made, tells a story, and had one funny joke in it. Despite all its flaws it is at least a watchable time waster.


So far:
Best film – Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – The King and I (1999)