92. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

This is the first public domain film to appear on the list. As a result, it’s fair game and so I don’t have a box cover to show you. Instead I whipped up this mini homage with my coloured pencils. Just a bit of fun. It’s also the first film from the new list. As of 8th May 2007 it had received a respectable 3,314 votes on the IMDB bottom 100. With an average score of 2.5 out of 10, leaving it at number 92.

Should I be ashamed when I say this actually made me laugh along with some of the jokes? It’s certainly no finely crafted Bill Murray comedy, or even up to the mediocre standard of a mid series Police Academy film, but it’s not completely without merit. Although for most, it will take a very special frame of mind to avoid drowning yourself in eggnog by the final reel.

The story begins with the leader of the Martians, Kimar. He is worried about the children of Mars - especially his own. They seem unhappy, can’t sleep, suffer a loss of appetite, and watch too much Earth television. Including a special interview in the North Pole with Santa Claus. After ten minutes deliberation and consulting a magical 800 year old wise man in a rock garden, he comes to the conclusion that Mars is no fun. Obvious solution: misappropriate Earth’s yearly Christmas festival for the Martians. Most inconsiderately they don’t try to approach Santa off peak and set up a convenient mid-July Christmas on Mars. They instead decide to kidnap him just before the big day.



Their ingenious plan consists of travelling to Earth, asking a couple of kids (Billy and Betty) where Santa is, kidnap them, send a giant robot named Torg to kidnap Santa, then back home in time to make toys for the whole planet. To make it a little more challenging they decide to bring along a Martian named Voldar, who has explicitly stated he hates the plan and will most likely try to sabotage the mission. As the title suggests, it doesn’t all go to plan, and a variety of shenanigans are crammed into the short running time.

The quality of the production matches that of the story. The Martians wear odd looking skin-tight uniform like pyjamas, with murky greenish face paint and wires on their heads. There is a certain awareness of this though. When the Martians meet Betty for the first time she asks what are the things on their heads? They reply “antennae”. She responds, “Are you a television set?” It’s absurd enough to be funny. As was a confused Santa thinking one of his reindeers was called Nixon.



The acting calibre is more reminiscent of a high school play. It’s wooden at times, hammy slapstick at others, but still manages to fit in with the overall highly silly tone. Bad guy Voldar is a traditional moustache twirling villain. Once he’s killed Santa he’ll probably move on to emptying his grandmother’s pension just to keep him in Brylcreem. At the other end of the spectrum we have light relief from Dropo; the Martian equivalent of Lee Evans. Not as frenetic, but they’d both be given a run in the IQ stakes by a glass of water. (Of course I’m talking about Lee Evans in character. I’m not that nasty.)

The chap playing Santa is everything you’d expect and more. Incessantly merry, and very accommodating considering he’s being violently attacked and harassed throughout the film. I wondered if he had a small keg of liquor stashed in his suit. Most of the cast actually make an impression whether for better or worse, particularly the newsreader faced with the daunting announcement, “Martians have kidnapped Santa Claus!!!”

As with all of the most embarrassing movies ever made, it has a specially written song. Sung by a rowdy group of kids in unison, here’s an excerpt.

“You spell it S-A-N-T-A! C-L-A-U-S!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Yeah yeah for Santy Claus
He's fat and round, but jumpin' jiminy!
He can climb down any chim-in-y!”

Now why they would spell it ‘S-A-N-T-A’, then sing it ‘Santy’, is just another of many baffling oddities.



To say Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is ridiculous would be an understatement. To say it has a good production is to be both blind and deaf. However, looking at it in the context of a mid 60s film aimed at 6 year olds, it really is just a harmless bit of fun. In some ways it resembles a live action Hanna-Barbera cartoon, on a shoestring budget. There’s no subtlety, a complete disregard for reality, the jokes are clearly played for the camera. There’s so much in the plot that doesn’t make sense it’d be futile to list it all. I doubt it was taken any more seriously then than it is now.

If you’re feeling brave, give it a go. Surely anything beats spending another hour and a half with Dudley Moore.

Despite a relatively favourable review, it still can’t beat Ator’s bizarre antics in the Italian countryside for raw entertainment value.

So far:
Best film – Ator the Invincible (1984)
Worst film – The King and I (1999)