97. Beginning of the End (1957)

From the man who brought you ‘King Dinosaur’ and ‘Earth vs The Spider’ I give you, ‘The Beginning of the End’. No, really – take it. With a title like that it would have been more fitting as the first film of this project. Anyhow, this was actually director Bert I Gordon’s second film, and an unfortunate sign of the type of films he would continue to direct. On February 1st 2007 it was placed at No.97 in the IMDB’s bottom 100 films, with an average score of 2.6, from 727 votes.

The film opens with that well known tradition amongst American youths in the fifties. Necking in a convertible. Then continues with that staple Hollywood cliché of two youths necking in a car being attacked by something off screen. It’s a dubious start; maybe that’s what they should have called the film. ‘A Dubious Start’, starring Doug Squarejaw, and Heidi Fluff. I digress.



The plot gets quickly into gear as we follow Audrey Aimes - a journalist on the trail of a news story in the Arizona desert. She soon discovers that an unknown force has destroyed a whole town, and it’s150 residents are all missing. An engaging enough premise. Acting on a hunch she visits a nearby department of agriculture research station that is experimenting with food crops exposed to radiation. At this point I’m quite amazed that for a near half hour the film has been an entertaining enough little mystery. A little slow, but even the acting is of a higher standard that you’d expect from such a poorly rated film. However…

Whilst visiting a warehouse that was also recently destroyed, Audrey and the two agricultural scientists (Ed and Frank) encounter the menace responsible. A giant grasshopper. Welcome back to the world of questionable special effects, stupid questions, and that military bloke who just can’t believe it. The radiation link was just too obvious to ignore. As was the introduction of scientist Frank, who was deaf and mute due to an accident involving radiation. Thus only there to illustrate the dangers of their work. Although why he didn’t grow to be a twenty foot killing machine, as most other things do on contact with radiation in the 50s, I don’t know.



On seeing one of these giant grasshoppers/locusts, Dr Ed Wainright quickly scarpers and tries to call in the army. He doesn’t get very far, but from this brief contact he suddenly knows the grasshoppers numbers, average height, resistance to weapons, disposition. He’s the leading authority on giant radioactive grasshoppers. My biggest frustration at this point is that all the hopping action is described and alluded to through radio and phone calls between important looking people. Those bugs sure sound like formidable foes if they need an anti tank weapon to take them down, but I don’t get to see any of it.

When we do get to see some fighting it’s the usual superimposed army guys firing at a back projection of the bugs in super-sized close up. Being in black and white the joins aren’t too jarring all the time. They get them to climb up photos of buildings, and chuck them in a pool of water to emulate a lake. They’ve made an effort in places and occasionally it just about works.

Now let’s cut to the chase and say it’s basically a rip off of Them (1954) - minus the direction, atmosphere, effects, charm, you name it. It’s inferior in all respects. Peggie Castle put in the best performance as Audrey. Peter Graves, who would go on to play Captain Oveur in the Airplane movies, was okay as Dr Ed. Unfortunately neither managed to lift the largely mundane material. One of the most exciting moments was seeing Audrey’s car phone. Yes, a car phone in 1957. I had no idea they had been invented then. It was a hefty looking thing, but a cool prop.



However cool a car phone may be, it doesn’t cover up the inconstancies in the plot. For instance a grasshopper later being easily killed by a handgun, or why they all seemed to stay together rather than spread across America. Actually that might have been addressed in the obligatory bug education portion of the film. Where Doug Squarejaw predicts doom from in front of a slide projector. If so, it has already been excised from my mind, as has the majority of the rest of the film.

I would have been more favourable toward Beginning of the End if it hadn’t have been so dull. Regardless of the hopeful start, even at just 73 minutes long I found myself clock-watching toward the end. At least with a movie like Monster A Go-Go you can laugh along with the silliness. Whilst entertainment here is severely limited by a highly predictable and linear storyline, that quickly fizzles out of ideas.

For the information of insect lovers – some grasshoppers died in the making of this movie. What began as 200 grasshoppers reduced to just a dozen after they started to cannibalize one another. I wouldn't be surprised the same situation occurred amongst cinema goers stuck in a darkened room watching this film.

So far:
Best film – Monster A-Go-Go (1965)
Worst film – Rollerball (2002)

98. Werewolf (1996)

On receiving an old VHS copy of Werewolf, I was impressed by the hologram cover of a man turning into a werewolf. However, after starting to watch the film I worried that the special effects on the box would be better than those in the actual film. My worries weren’t entirely unfounded.

On February 1st 2007, Werewolf was placed at No.98 in the IMDB bottom 100, with an average score of 2.6 from 1,670 votes.

We start with an archaeological dig in the Arizona desert, where an unusual skeleton is found. It has the body of a man, but the head of an animal – you guessed it, a kind of wolf. The budget already seems strained at this point. An early fight scene between the diggers is so badly choreographed and filmed that at least half the punches miss, but still with a very loud smacking, and followed by painfully slow ‘being hit’ reactions. I refer to the budget here, as it seems all the actors were required to do their own stunts. No matter how bad they are.



Once the skeleton has been moved somewhere it can be studied, rather than investigate it properly and try to prove or disprove what it is, the leader of the group (Noel) rushes to various conclusions and scaremongering about werewolves. Within the films first ten minutes, any hope of mystery is killed by an overlong explanation involving American Indian mythology, and poorly recorded sound. Soon after, one of the diggers who had been scratched by a bone is taken to hospital. While under supposed ‘intense observations’ (amusing medical terminology from the doctor), he turns into a werewolf whilst no one is paying attention (really intense observations), then escapes. Thus proving their assumptions, regardless of how implausible and stupid they originally appeared.

Considering all this happens at the start of the film, you might wonder what plot there is left. To be frank, not much. Werewolf has some of the worst padding I’ve seen in any film this side of the 60s. Director Tony Zarindast has a curious fixation with wall murals, spending large amounts of time focusing on them whilst playing irritating derivative native Indian music, and animal noises. If I wanted to look at a painting of a woolly mammoth whilst being barked at, I’d… I’m not sure – perhaps commit myself. It’s not just boring; it’s badly filmed, edited, written (barely). Zarindast’s previous film was ‘Hardcase and Fist’ in 1989! A film whose trailer alone is laughable. He can’t even manage the continuity of a pool cue, let alone actually film a game of pool without it dragging the whole film to a painful halt.



The characters serve little or no purpose in a wafer thin plot. The most entertaining is also the most superfluous. That being a groundskeeper who seems to spend all his time in the foyer of a writer’s house, brandishing his shotgun. He also happens to be the worst actor, with monotone ‘cries’ of “please don’t hurt me’, whilst slowly edging towards the angry looking werewolf. Another focal character is Yuri, who wants to infect people with werewolf DNA so he can see them turn, then catch them and earn money for the famous find of a live werewolf. The biggest flaw in his ploy is he decides to try and catch these beasts when they are wolves, rather than simply wait till they turn into a normal person and are less dangerous. The logic for the rest of the film isn’t any sounder, and you will be lucky to make it to the end. Surprisingly the ending is the most original and unexpected thing of all. Yet still ultimately unsatisfying.

On the plus side we get the hilarious high jinks of a werewolf driving a sedan as if it were a bumper car. Cartoony yanking the steering wheel left and right included. Then it ploughs into some randomly placed gas canisters. And Martin Sheen’s brother is in it. Woot. Yay. [/sarcasm]



So, with no plot, no worthwhile characters, and no atmosphere, what’s left? A number of repetitive shots of some dodgy werewolf special effects, which at times look more like a taxidermied cat covered in spit. Plus some over the top and unconvincing attacks on girls who run, scream, and fall over in the nearest puddle of mud. A more pleasurably viewing experience can be found marvelling at the hologram on the box cover.

*Pictures courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000, because my capture equipment didn’t like the NTSC VHS. Unfortunately the MST3K team are watching a slightly edited version; missing out a couple more superb murals.

It wasn’t exactly difficult to defame poor Werewolf, but it still provided enough belly laughs from its gaffs to put it ahead of Rollerball.

So far:
Best Film – Monster A-Go-Go (1965)
Worst Film – Rollerball (2002)

99. Rollerball (2002)

Well, this is quite a difference from the last film. Bringing us right back into the present decade. On February 1st 2007, Rollerball was placed at number 99 on the IMDB’s bottom 100 films, with an average score of 2.6 out of 10, and 8,205 votes. That’s a very high number of votes for the bottom 100, strengthening its position there, and showing just how badly this film has been received.

Set in the near future, a violent new sport from Central Asia has taken the world’s interest. Rollerball is like a cross between American football and basketball, on rollerblades, in a figure 8 circuit, and chuck in a couple of motorbikes for good measure. The rules are simple, and the fouls are frequent. Increasing ratings and high levels of gambling keep the games creators and managers in good money. Interest from major television networks is set to boost the balances further, and so they continue to recruit more talented players.

Enter Chris Klein (American Pie); an extreme sports player in need of a healthy pay cheque. After signing up, we quickly get a taste of rollerball action. Somewhere between a wrestling event and a circus, the players wear outlandish masks and body armour. A large part of the game is mowing down the opposition; hence the motorbikes. Live nu-metal music blasts out from a cameo by Slipknot, who look like they could be a rollerball team themselves. The first 20 minutes prove to be a fairly effective action filled start, but from here on things never really get going.

The plot revolves around the idea that the game’s managers are bribing players to cause more and more spectacular injuries to their opponents, which in turn increases the ratings and profits. Jean Reno (Leon) plays the central rollerball creator/manager who lords his power and wealth over everyone. It’s probably the most engaging performance amongst a very bland cast, and yet it feels as though he’s on autopilot. Not least because there is so little dialogue between the many fighting, flaunting, and chasing sequences, that it’s hard to truly get behind any of the characters. LL Cool J fades into the scenery, and the only notable thing about Rebecca Romijn, best known as Mystique in X-Men, is her looks.

What little plot actually exists quickly descends into a daft mess of clichés. The original 1975 version of Rollerball focused on one man’s struggle against a corporation that ran the US and subdued its people. Here we have the cop out use of Central Asia - as it’s obviously more plausible that those ‘savages’ in Asia will love violent sports and let it rule their lives. But the rollerball corporation doesn’t appear to replace any government as in the original, so when someone dies during play and it is still broadcast, why isn’t there an instant investigation? How did the company think they could go on killing people on live TV and not get shut down? Even in the most under-developed countries snuff films are banned. By having the film set so closely in the future (actually now the past, 2005) it both undermines the original purpose of using a future setting, and insults half a continent.

Director John McTiernan, of Predator and Die Hard fame, made his biggest mistake simply by making this film. At what stage did the script ever look like a good prospect? It must have been all of 30 pages long. Looking even worse in comparison with the previous version. There is more character depth to be found in WWE, and if mindless violent ‘sports entertainment’ is what you’re looking for, I would recommend going there first.

I have no problem laying the bulk of the blame at the script itself, or lack of it. All other errors simply compounded this problem. A telling sign of its quality came when, after poor feedback from previews the films release was put back till the next year, and edited down from an R rating to a PG-13. Effectively an admission that the producers just wanted to milk whatever money they could from the carcass of this turkey. The very worst part of this film is it’s ending, but I will leave that joy to the braver amongst you.

On the whole Rollerball is a pointless mess, made worse considering the talent and money involved in a production so recent. You can’t even laugh at it.


So far:-
Best Film: Monster A Go-Go (1965)
Worst Film: Rollerball (2002)

100. Monster A Go-Go (1965)

And so it begins.

With a title like that I’ll wager you’re expecting some kind of exciting, off the wall, unique viewing experience. It’s unique all right, but not for any commendable reasons. On February 1st 2007, Monster a Go-Go ranked at number 100 in the IMDB (Internet Movie Database) bottom 100 films. It averaged 2.6 out of 10 with a total of 1,735 votes.

Monster A Go-Go (I laugh every time I type it), started life as a low budget horror/sci-fi flick called ‘Terror at Halfday’. Bill Rebane co-wrote and directed, but alas, the money dried up and the incomplete footage was shelved. Until notorious gore and exploitation movie producer Herschell Gordon Lewis came along, in need of an inexpensive film to go on a double bill with one of his other dubious creations.

As far as I can tell, the majority of what we see in the final product is Rebane’s footage. The story concerns a failed manned rocket mission to investigate unusual objects orbiting the Earth. The rocket crash lands, the astronaut is missing, and there is a giant humanoid monster on the loose killing people. It appears the monster is a mutated version of the astronaut with a heavy dose of radiation, able to contaminate those that get too close. In other words, been there, seen this, but never so badly made. It’s really just a rehash of The Quatermass Experiment (1955), but with none of the atmosphere and a far less coherent plot.

Most jarring of all, although highly amusing, is the narration added by Herschell Gordon Lewis himself. It runs throughout the whole film. To get a flavour of this sadistic cherry on an already bad movie here’s a direct sample:

"Narrator: What changes the delicate interlocking of fates that determines life or death. A series of ‘ifs’. If the girl had danced with her boyfriend instead of the other boy, and they had stayed later. If the two of them hadn’t parked to kiss and make up. But that is not what happened. And fate, and history, never deal in ‘ifs.

>Monster enters stage right. Followed by poorly lit, shakily filmed death scene."

The purpose of the narration seems solely to try and make sense of the loosely connected scenes, without bothering to film the required extra footage to make it a proper film. Sometimes I think Lewis just gets bored as he decides to tell you what is going to happen in the next scene. One time it even substitutes having a scene, by purely describing what happens over the image of an empty room. It’s these moments of gobsmaking audacity that make Monster A Go-Go (snigger), both a delight and an abomination.

The other most notable thing on show is the monster itself; played by Henry Hite, who stood at an impressive 7 foot 6 inches tall. Although the movie blurb says the monster is 10 foot tall, and so he is shot from a low angle to try and make this believable. Hite’s monster is suffering from some form of radiation mutation that causes cheap latex to get stuck to his face. He wanders about his scenes looking more confused than terrifying. The rest of the cast is quite frankly utterly forgettable. Even the characters are forgettable. Most don’t even warrant a name, and simply get referred to as ‘driver’, ‘helicopter pilot’, ‘girl’, ‘boyfriend’. Not just in the narration, but in the dialogue too.

One of the most memorable scenes is a pointlessly long, yet entertaining, teen twist party. I was loving the fashionable 60s dancing and music. There is even a funky title song, ‘Go-Moster-Go’, which got me all psyched up for the film. Most of the other memorable moments come from the generally dire production standards. Such as the crashed space capsule that looks barely big enough to fit a cat in it. The ringing phone that sounds remarkably like a man behind the camera going, ‘brrr brrr’. Then there’s the ending.

The ending is to say the least lazy. Not lazy as in there are some plot holes in the resolution. Lazy as in they pretty much just didn’t bother coming in to work. It’s an astonishingly stupid ending, and you’ll have to see it to believe it. You still won’t be impressed though – just perplexed.

Despite my rather cruel assault, I can’t say I hated Monster A Go-Go. As a connoisseur of bad movies at least it’s not completely dull. Just a little dull, and somewhat dim too. It’s feckless charm comes from trying to figure out what may have been originally intended for ‘Terror at Halfday’, and just how far it has gone off the rails.

Does it deserve to be in the bottom 100? Well, it’s early days yet.

It was the best of times...

Hello. My name is Jaune Heatley, and I am a writer and director for Bear & Beyond. Hopefully you will enjoy some of my offerings in the near future. In addition to that I am undertaking a shameless attempt to encourage extra funding for Bear films, by taking a look at the state of human films over the years. I will be reviewing every film on the IMDB bottom 100 list. Being a fan of low budget and most genre movies I will not prejudge these films because of their status. What I’m looking to see is whether they deserve to be where they are.

Here’s how it works. On 1st February 2007 I took a snapshot of the bottom 100 list. You can see part of it here [click for bigger picture]. Next I start watching them from number 100 onwards. Some of these films are understandably hard to get hold of. It took 4 weeks to get Werewolf flown in from the US. Anyone who regularly looks at the list will see it changes quite frequently. So at natural breaks I will update the snapshot and continue watching from whatever number I am at. Reviews will be posted here counting down from No.100 right to the very depths of the No.1 worst movie of all.

First review coming soon…