#73 Forest Warrior (1996)

This sure ain’t Missing in Action 3. There’s something a little disturbing about seeing Chuck Norris so clean, with that neatly combed beard. It’s not right – he should be crawling through mud, whilst foreign people run around shooting automatic weapons in the air. Coincidentally MIA3 was Aaron Norris’ first break as a director, leading to a series of other films directing his brother Chuck. I would hope Forest Warrior is his worst, but I’m biased because of a slight aversion to these caricature styled family films.

It opens with a campfire rendition of the tale of McKenna (Chuck Norris), an American Indian who was killed whilst trying to save his wife from an illness. Then his spirit was brought back by the power of the mountain, and he now roams as a shape-shifting guardian with the power of the bear, wolf and eagle. In other words if you’re naughty near the mountain forest, Chuck Norris will appear from thin air, dressed like Grizzly Adams’ geeky cousin gone native, and kick your butt. Oh, and he can see into your soul too. Cue the Thorne logging company.
Travis Thorne (Terry Kiser) is aggressively seeking logging rights to the mountain forest. His workers even terrorize the local kids from the campfire, as they spend time at a giant tree-house in the forest. It’s a classic stand off between small town rural America and big business, and naturally the kids play an integral part. Giving them a chance to go Rambo in the woods, like those in the audience would surely want to. There is a sub plot about a young girl and her father turned alcoholic over the loss of his wife, but it’s just the usual emotional obstacle in need of enlightenment.

There was a reminiscent feel of films like Tuck Everlasting, and other low grade Disney movies. It’s shot quite blandly, a little like watching an episode of Home Improvement. Of course, it’s not meant to be high art, simply a wholesome family film. Odd then that it’s being made by people with a background in R rated action films. That may be the reason why they overcompensate, as this is not much of a family film. The humour is geared more towards the under tens only, and everything is laid on very thick which will leave most adults bored, and older children feeling embarrassed. Although the song and dance sequence with loggers playing chainsaw air guitar should keep everyone laughing, even if for the wrong reasons.
Shockingly, the child actors aren’t annoying. Their not even that badly dressed, considering it’s the early nineties. Or maybe Chuck Norris’ theme restaurant outfit is keeping things in perspective. Regardless, the young actors do just fine for the target audience. They also get a few decent supporting actors, either the producers pulling in favours or they’re doing it for the kids. Roscoe Lee Brown (Topaz, The Liberation of LB Jones) is the wizened old friendly bachelor that every small town needs. It’s a subdued role and he maintains his dignity. Elya Baskin pops up amongst some of the more comedic loggers – he’s the guy that Hollywood loves to call whenever they have a Russian part that needs filling - most recently in the Spiderman movies. You even get a glimpse of William Sanderson (Bladerunner).

Sadly it’s the two leads that I liked least. Norris mostly looks bored, and his action scenes aren’t exactly wow factor. Do I dare speculate as to whether poor Chuck is getting a little past it all? The lacklustre editing does nothing to pep it up either. Chuck also gets some of the cheesiest lines, and it really doesn’t suit him. Then there’s Terry Kiser, who hams it up as he was probably instructed to, making a cartoony villain. Later he gets to go ‘Captain Harris’ on us, as he’s assaulted by the forces of good. Speaking of which, there’s a slight vigilante message of protectionism under the surface that may be a little less wholesome under scrutiny. Perhaps this is a favourite in the Palin household.
On the whole it’s a pretty sappy product of it’s time (post Home Alone). Not the most awful thing I’ve ever seen, but without Chuck Norris on the cover it would lose a lot of it’s kitsch value. I’m not sure what the inspiration behind making this was. It’s been cobbled together through connections, and lacks the detached oversight to be much else than a schmaltzy vanity project. The writer is also from the Norris stable, having only done screenplays for his films and TV. You’ll also see a Rebecca Norris pop up amongst the producers. Whatever the rhyme or reason only the most hardened of Chuck Norris or schmaltz fans should take a look at this.

[2.2/10 | 731 votes | stats from 24th November 2008]

So far:
High Kicking: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Drooling Wreck: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#74 Kickboxer 3: The Art of War (1992)

This all feels a little like déjà vu, especially after watching American Ninja 3. Once again there is a fighting tournament in a tropical location. This time Rio De Janeiro. An American kickboxing champion, David Sloan, arrives with his sensei, Xian, in tow. On first sight Xian looked a little like Lee Van Cleef, or maybe that was the spectre of 1984 TV series Master Ninja repeating on me. Either way, it helps signify that this was the tale end of a long running era of budget American martial arts films and television shows.

The first classic cliché comes quickly when the hapless heroes are mugged by a small Brazilian boy, Marcos, and his sister, Isabella. Naturally, after a long chase through the back alleys of Rio and the kicking of same random thugs, they befriend the knife wielding thieving children. Onto classic cliché two, when Isabella is kidnapped by a local gangster as part of his people trafficking business. Of course this is just a side line to him being a kickboxer manager, looking to fix the match between David and his own fighter, so as to make a ton of cash.

It’s seriously average stuff, but at least there’s enough action to keep things going. We get street fighting, bar room brawling, and ring matches. They even tool up with automatic weapons in another back alley, making them professional vigilantes. The theme of the film is that Rio is a sort of unruly wild west. Kill or be killed. So that’s what they do, giving us some gunplay and a Beverley Hills Cop style mansion assault. The story takes some odd twists to help fill the running time, and give our bulging hero some unusual endurance tests to prove his might.

I’m sorry to say that the only thing that sounds dumber than the plot is Sasha Mitchell playing the part of Sloan. He doesn’t have the charisma to carry the film, and is no great actor. Surprising then that he is the lead in three of the four Kickboxer sequels. Although, familiarity is an important ingredient in B-Movies, and they weren’t likely to get Van Damme back. There is a lot of playful banter between the two leads, but it’s neither actors’ strong points. Plus the dialogue was a poor imitation of many of the buddy cop movies of the 80s. Most of the jokes fell flat for me. For a change I found myself most forgiving of the child actors’ performances. They managed to hold their own, and outshine a lot of the wooden bit parts. Most disappointing was perhaps, Dennis Chan, who feels surplus to requirements as Xian. All he does is make random philosophical comments, and occasionally remind Sloan to meditate. As the role also requires a calm demeanour, he tends to fade into the background.

The villains were par for the ‘in the shadow of Miami Vice’ times. Sharp suits, colourful shirts, sensible middle-aged haircuts, and a dire need for some anger management classes. They do make for a laugh though. I liked that the chief kidnapper Bronco cited his day job as an investment banker. Something which in the current economical climate would be enough to shoot him regardless. Also, one of the most unintentionally funny lines was from the big bad gangster Lane about his child trafficking prostitution ring, delivered mid fight, “Kids are more mature now, it’s the nineties pal.” The defence rests.

As you can tell, it’s a pretty adult plot, but the only real gratuity is the fighting and body count. There’s little profanity, and nothing sexual. A contrast to modern western films where those would be pre-requisites. Kickboxer 3 is an action film first, and, well, not much else. Would you expect any less from a writer whose next film would be Leprechaun 4: In Space? Marvellous. Despite all this, I much preferred American Ninja 3 and that had a really goofy plot in comparison.

[2.3/10 | 659 votes | stats from 3rd April 2008]

So far:
Joie De Vivre: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Walking Dead: #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#75 The Last Sign (2005)

So, Andie MacDowell pays the bills. I wish. Watching Andie MacDowell set up a direct debit would generate greater levels of excitement and tension. Sadly, in reality, MacDowell plays the part of recently widowed Kathy. She finds herself better off without her alcoholic and abusive husband, but has begun receiving anonymous phone calls and experiencing disturbing coincidences and flashbacks. It is affecting her social life and could result in a total breakdown. If only it were that interesting.

First up, I was getting mixed messages about how Kathy felt. There was no sense of freedom from her husband’s accidental death, and little background to go on. It’s never a good sign that you need to refer to the back of the DVD case for a plot point. The slow moving plot feels deliberately vague in an attempt to make something from nothing. Eventually we get round to a few supernatural happenings that create some genuine mystery, but it’s all a bit short lived and predictable. The other plotline is that of the rich, intelligent, hunky, neighbour with enough free time to give fatherly advice to Kathy’s teenage son, and with a manly voice suitable for sports commercials. What luck, like part exchanging your clapped out nasty husband for a shiny new one from Harrods.

As far as I can gather the film’s message is essentially get on with your life. Staying on message I would first advise you to avoid this film. I’ve seen greater wisdom from a fortune cookie. They cost less and taste better too. I found The Last Sign to be a wholly unrewarding experience.

Andie MacDowell seems to have found the trough from her Four Weddings peak in the early 90s. Tim Roth (best known from Pulp Fiction) plays the dead husband, in a role that consists entirely of flashbacks. Maybe this should have been called ‘where early nineties actors go to die’. Then Margot Kidder (the original filmic Lois Lane) turns up although you’d hardly notice. Beyond that the only notable character is the irritating kooky co-worker from personnel, who should be fired for rooting through Kathy’s file and going on about her dead husband. A typical piece of coincidence scripting that a busy body co-worker happens to be well versed in holding séances.

I could run through the usual list or pros and cons regarding direction and pacing, but the over riding feeling I got was how incredibly bland everything was. They’ve clearly spent enough money to get the film superficially looking good. They have a competent crew, but there isn’t any flair. I’ll never forget Darth Vader chopping off Luke’s hand. Equally I’ll never forget Rock Biter singing Born To Be Wild on his bicycle in Neverending Story 3 (much as I might want to). Whilst The Last Sign sits somewhere in a cinematic blind spot, where I can barely remember what happened the next day. It begs the question, is a truly awful film one which is such an utter waste of time? At least trash like Monster A Go-Go makes for an amusing anecdote.

I seriously wonder who green-lighted this script. It’s in the pitiful territory of a twenty year old TV movie, with wasted actors throughout. If you really love tearjerkers and soppy romances then you might find some interest. Although I’d much sooner recommend the 2002 film Dragonfly with Kevin Costner, which has a similar but more engaging story line. And come on, it's Kevin. Does The Last Sign deserve to be in the Bottom 100 films? I’ve no problem with it.

[2.3/10 | 814 votes | stats from 3rd April 2008]

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Painful - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#76 The Smokers (2000)

It’s been quite some time since I’ve ventured into the realms of the bottom 100. What happened? The Smokers happened. Take a look at the warning signs.

1. The Box: The cheap cover design is an obvious start, but hardly conclusive as fans of cult hits like Bad Taste will attest. A tagline that tries to emulate a critics positive quotation, and the only actual quotations being attributed to no-one, most likely because the only person who said them was the producer to the marketing team. The listing of as many big movies associated with the actors as possible, even desperately adding Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Also highlighting Thora Birch in order to cash in on American Beauty despite her role here amounting to all of 10 minutes. Speaking of which, Thora Birch looks younger here, hinting that The Smokers was not released for some time after completion. Perhaps it would have sat on the shelf longer if two of it’s actors hadn’t become bigger stars. (Birch and Dominique Swain)

2. The Subject Matter: The blurb on the back of the box describes it as “a trio of seventeen year old girls surviving teenage life.” Hold up a minute. If this is set in Bhagdad then I’ll let that phrase go. Otherwise I’d suggest ‘surviving teenage life” usually indicates a film trying to hype whatever central unrealistic scenario it has. If it’s not a comedy then expect to find the director wearing his/her colon as a choker. The other two highlighted selling points of this story are a ‘.44 calibre revolver’ and an ‘aggressive sexual awakening’. I fail to see the relevance of the weapons calibre, unless it’s a distraction from the fact these are the ingredients of a shock and awe film, more at home in a grindhouse cinema than anywhere with aesthetic merit.

3. The Director: It’s her first film, so I would normally approach it with an open mind. However, a glance at her CV shows that after making The Smokers she changed her name and turned to directing porn films such as Young Sluts inc 10 and Campus Confessions 8. Not encouraging.

I could probably go on, but let’s get into the meat of it. Set at a boarding school filled with rich kids in their mid to late teens, the story concerns three of the more anarchic girls, and their relationships with the opposite sex. Karen, Jefferson, and Lisa are the so called ‘smokers’, frequently of cannabis. Tired of being treated as a sex object, Karen (Busy Philips), decides it's time to give men a taste of their own medicine using her friends gun. The three plan a sexual assault on a boy that has been treating Lisa poorly. Things don't go exactly as planned, although as the gun changes hands between the girls there are more incidents.

As far as coming of age stories go this has to be one of the more over the top ones. It's hard to know whether the intention was a feminist message or an exploitation flick. For an exploitation film there are no genuinely titillating or thrilling scenes, and the feminist message goes no further than comparing a penis to a gun. It's confusing and disappointing. The film treads an unusual line between too unbelievable and too realistic. The blasé inclusion of drug taking and a culture of loitering without intent will strike a chord with many who had mis-spent youths. The pacing is realistically slow, containing many seemingly motiveless and pointless scenes. I felt as though I was missing a lot of previous character development, making much of it redundant. As if I were watching a couple of episodes in the middle of a daily soap. Sadly, despite it's explicit sex and drugs story lines, The Smokers will never be as entertaining as a good Sunset Beach omnibus. For a character driven film this is a major flaw. And whilst the pacing may have realism, little else does, right down to the quite implausible finale, which I shouldn’t elaborate on.

This combination of miscues makes it increasingly hard to watch. More out of a lack of interest than anything else, even with all the casual rape chatter. The best, surprisingly tense, scene in the film happens early on and is wasted on a peripheral character (Thora Birch) who is otherwise an overblown stereotype. Although Birch manages to make the best of the role, making her the only character you may want to see a little more of.

The acting ranges from okay to ‘if I threaten a puppies life will you please make an effort?’ In fairness to Miss Swain, the only thing she's done wrong here is be in the film. While her performance is far from stellar, the material largely fades her into the background. Busy Philips seems to have built her character around pulling faces. It borders on a depiction of the mentally ill, or maybe that was what she was going for. It’s hard to tell. The male actors were for some reason uniformly atrocious. It was hard to believe such charisma free characters in various sexual relationships.

For the most part The Smokers tested my patience with it’s confused messages, terrible performances, and a directionless plot. There are one or two glimmers of an interesting snapshot of life trying to get through, but it’s no match for a film like Kids, which handles similar storylines in a far more engrossing manner.

[2.3/10 | 1,505 votes | stats from 27th March 2008]
(I know, just two more oldies before recent stats kick in)

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Vomit Inducing - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#77 Battlefield Earth (2000)

With the upcoming third worldwide protest against the cult of scientology's abuses this weekend [Video One] [Video Two], it seems timely to review Battlefield Earth. Adapted from a novel by L Ron Hubbard, and championed by actor John Travolta for over a decade. It rapidly gained the infamous status of one of the most expensive flops in cinema history, and quite rightly so.

This film should carry a public service announcement at the start reading, 'Warning - You are now entering a film where all dramatic moments take place at one third normal speed.' If all the unnecessary and tedious slow motion was cut out, it might shave the lengthy two hour runtime down to something more manageable. I should have been more wary after reading about the "special effects that are completely real" on the back of the box. Do they know what a special effect is exactly? Or were all those green laser beams filmed in claymation by Ray Harryhausen? The shame of it is I was genuinely willing to give it a chance. Having seen it about six years ago, my only recollection was of a lacklustre blockbuster; it could have still been a laugh. Rather than the farcical wreck I just watched.



In it's favour the special effects are pretty good. I like the dreadlocked, giant platform booted design of the alien Psychlos, who have taken control of Earth and enslaved it's people to strip mine the planet. Everything has been captured well in terms of picture quality and lighting. There is some occasional good humour. Mostly from scenes with Forest Whitaker and Travolta together, with Whitaker managing one of the best performances in the film (still with pretty poor material). Sadly I'm struggling to find any more compliments.

To get back to the story, we follow the trials of Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), as he searches for answers to the big questions of life and his mythology. A thousand years after the Psychlos invaded, the human race has become an endangered species. Those that remain free are simple tribes people, without knowledge of the previous days of technology. Flung far away from the Psychlos themselves. After leaving his village, Jonnie soon becomes embroiled in the affairs of a Psychlo named Terl (John Travolta). Terl is the poster boy for frustrated and deluded middle management. If his plan to embezzle his way out of many years more service on Earth ever works, you'll see him on the Psychlo home planet version of The Apprentice. Despite the set-up, any hope for some intriguing and intelligent corporate power games is short lived and glossed over in favour of some manic laughter, shouting, tongue-waggling, and Travolta camping it up. He really knows no limits here. The plot is disappointingly run of the mill, linear and quite laboriously explained to the audience.



The complete lack of attention to detail in the plot is embarrassing. For starters, are we to believe it takes a vastly superior race over 1000 years to mine the planet for what it's worth? Also, in all that time, and despite being based in North America, they never once discovered the gold reserves of Fort Knox. Fragile items like books, left exposed to 1000 years of nature are merely covered with a fine layer of dust. A 1000 year old projector works instantly, but from what electricity supply? Not to mention that a group of savage tribes-people unable to understand the technology of a camera, learn to expertly fly Harrier Jump Jets in under a week. Should I go on?

No. And neither should you. Battlefield Earth is full of holes, it's overblown, too long, too camp, and Barry Pepper is an especially uncharasmatic lead actor. It's a B-movie that somehow walked off the lot with an A-movie budget, and Hollywood has been churning out much better films for a tenth of the cost. The few superficial achievements can't outweigh the mess of a script and over the top direction and editing. Between the bad guys chuckling to themselves about how evil they are, and Pepper being chased on every available set in slow motion, I very much doubt if any viewers will be satisfied.



[2.3/10 | 27,764 votes | stats from 9th March 2008]

Until recently it had the largest number of votes of all the bottom 100 films. There has been strong agreement about the film since soon after it's release, and thus has been a permanent fixture on the list for years.

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Vomit Inducing - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#78 Invasion of the Neptune Men (1961)

Also known as Uchu Kaisoku-sen. Time for another gem, made two years after the remarkable Prince of Space (number 88 in my little adventure), and by the same production company (Toei). It even retains the same writer Shin Morita, but they were the only scripts he ever had produced. The same fate would unsurprisingly befall Invasion's director Koji Ota; this being his only outing as a director. Being from the same stable you can expect lots of the same, but different in enough ways to unfortunately make it less fun.

The story is in essence very similar; why mess with such a winning formula? Things begin abruptly when a spaceship lands in a field in Japan, and out come some aliens wearing radiation suits, and bulbous helmets with spinning bits on top. On cue our random superhero of the hour appears and starts to defend the planet to an onlooking crowd of boys in short shorts. Our hero, played by a young Sonny Chiba (The Streetfighter, Kill Bill), uses some crude martial arts to defeat the utterly pathetic (I assume) Neptune Men. For an invasion force they aren't particularly fearsome; wandering aimlessly, very slowly, with their arms raised as if trying to traverse a treacherous bouncy castle. They even fall over without being touched.



Our hero in terms of character is quite the disappointment, as he doesn't really have one. I would have billed him in the credit list as, 'Badly dressed man with a spaceship'. He never introduces himself, instead telling the short shorts, “You boys pick one [a name]. That suits me fine.” I know of only one other profession where they claim their name is 'whatever you want it to be'. What secrets does Space Chief (as the short shorts named him) hide? My other problem with Space Chief is that he's hardly in the movie, and says very little when he does arrive. Instead we are left watching the blunderings of the government pitted in a technological struggle against the Neptune Men. Sounds more exciting than it is mind.

A large part of the plot is built on what is politely referred to as 'technobabble'. In other words, making stuff up that sounds like intelligent science. The Neptune Men use their alien gizmos to cause random phenomenons, the most impressive being to turn time backwards. If they can do that they should have won this movie by yesterday's matinee, and saved us sitting through this tripe. Special scientists try to explain the phenomena and create a shield, although none of it is explained with a shred of detail. When someone asks how a particular phenomena is possible, characters can blurt out random things that make no sense. The most bizarre of these is one technicians dramatic realization that something on his computer screen is “Roji Panty Complex”. What the heck is “Roji Panty Complex”? They don't even attempt to relate it to reality, just cut to the next scene.

As the plot continues to unfold it waivers between mundane and absolute nonsense, with brief intersections of boys in short shorts – one of which sounds like he's 30 thanks to the poor dubbing. On reflection much of the first half hour had it's moments of amusement. Unfortunately as we enter the final reel the plot has long decayed into a seemingly endless shoot 'em up between Space Chief, the government, and the Neptune Men. There is little dialogue to add any excitement to the drawn out battle sequences. Not that they haven't made an effort with some of the effects. They even used real Word War II stock footage to show Japan being blown up, which leads to an unusual cameo by Hitler no less. Nevertheless the pacing is terrible and I couldn't care less what happened to anybody. At all.



If the combined forces of Sonny Chiba, Hitler and a Robbie the Robot wind up toy, can't save a film, then there's little hope left. Too many short shorts I say.


[2.4/10 | 954 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Most Fun: #79 Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Vomit Inducing - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#79 Howling 2: ...Your Sister is a Werewolf (1984)

Picking up directly after The Howling (1981) we see the funeral of Karen White, who was shot down after turning into a werewolf. Christopher Lee appears on the scene to inform Karen's brother, Ben, and his girlfriend, Jenny, that because the silver bullets in Karen were removed at the autopsy, he must ritually kill her again before she rises from the dead as a werewolf. After Ben briefly goes on a gun totting frenzy out for Lee's blood, they are quickly convinced and team up with him. Then head out to Transylvania to kick werewolf butt. Namely - Stirba the immortal queen of all werewolves (Sybil Danning). Or as the alternative UK subtitle for the film calls her, 'Stirba - Werewolf Bitch'.

This film left me confused. Following on from Joe Dante's tongue in cheek style (The Burbs, Gremlins), you'd expect there to be a few laughs in the sequel. However, it all feel surprisingly straight yet woefully put together. The result - absurd hilarity punctuated by incompetence. The theatrical trailer describes it as the "rocking, shocking, new wave of horror", and it's surprisingly accurate. The ever growing MTV video generation was making it's mark. Howling 2's use of modern music, by way of an infectious new romantic song played repeatedly throughout the film, and focus on outlandish current fashions was a response to that. The confusion sets in again with the presence of Christopher Lee and cult like goings on in the medieval buildings of Transylvania. It adds a throwback Hammer Horror feel that is poorly thrown together with the modern elements.



One major criticism would be regarding the editing, and the decision to keep cutting back to the same footage of a concert where a band play the film's catchy title song. Originally it's part of an early scene where a group of punks is attacked by werewolves in an outstandingly unrealistic scene. Saved only by an embarrassing cameo from Jimmy Nail; he's awfully funny. Another scene that is cut back to at odd intervals is the show stopping softcore werewolf menage a trois. I don't think there's anything quite like it committed to film, all snarling and hairy. The way it's cut together with unrelated scenes it feel as though that's all they did for an entire day. A peculiar mix of jaw-dropping funny repulsion.



Philippe Mora's direction is uninspiring to say the least, and there are yet more dubious decisions. As the sequel to a film renowned for a it's werewolf transformation effects you'd hope for an attempt to make par. Whilst the effects as a whole are of a decent standard the transformations are not handled well. Consisting of a handful of simpler effects like nails and hair growing, along with a few latex masks, filmed extremely close up and cross faded over other scenes. It largely implies a transformation whilst avoiding any tricky shots or expensive effects. It feels cheap and underwhelming and these moments usually drag the most. Of course to balance out the disappointment we are given a token knife throwing dwarf, and a werewolf fancy dress orgy where everyone turns up dressed as Dr Frankenfurter.



I've little sympathy for the central characters Ben and Jenny, who amply fulfill the cliched roles of muscle and distressed maiden. They don't even appear very bright, walking into a local hotel and asking the manager behind the desk, "Have you seen any strangers?" It's a hotel. He sees strangers all day, everyday day. With only Christopher Lee's wooden gloom to break their inanity, and Sybil Danning hammily strutting about like an 80s soft rock dominatrix, I was close to tears. Equally from laughter and pain.

The tone the Howling 2 was most likely going for is along the lines of The Lost Boys, but there's too many conflicting things going on. Part old school chiller, part schlock slasher, part serious, part jokey. The most worrying thing of all must be the music video compilation of all the 'best' bits over the credits. Where a clip of Danning ripping her top off is repeated 17 times for comic effect. The film, it seems, is as confused as I am. It is a bad film, yet there is fun to be had here. Fans of the horror genre could lap this up with an unhealthy dosage of booze. Seeing Christopher Lee in bright white wrap around shades must be worth something alone. If not that then Christopher Lee's monologue in front of a star-field, or Christopher Lee's neon light-show battle, or maybe Christopher Lee's holy hand grenade. I kid you not, and there still is more I could mention.



[2.4/10 | 1,633 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Most Fun - #79 Howling II: Stirba: Werewolf Bitch (1984)
Most Vomit Inducing - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#80 Horrors of Spider Island

Fans of the old black and white era monster movies hoping for some no frills fun should do a quick about turn. What we have here is a west german nudie picture, spiced up with a brief and tenuous mutant spiders plot, then later having most of the nude scenes cut out. I guess they thought after having toured the 'raincoat' cinemas, they could later try and flog it at some more mainstream places. With or without the nudity the quality of the film isn't really affected; merely it's practical applications.

Things kick off seedily enough with a little slow jazz, and the auditions for a dancing troupe, soon to be jetted off for shows in Singapore. In a time where crooners, rock and roll, and exciting dance steps are still the defining trends, the use of dance and music is the first of a few gimmicks. We get a quick glimpse of the sleazy manager Gary Webster (Alexander D'Arcy), and more than a glimpse of stocking from some of the young hopefuls. It's not long until they are jetting off in a private plane and crashing into the ocean. Now stranded on a remote tropical island, the name of the game is survival.



Or it would be, if things weren't made so easy for them. The main implication is that Gary and all his helpless girls spend most of their days sunbathing in their underwear, taking swims, and occasionally complaining about rations. All while creepy Gary gets some smooching in. I wasn't aware of the film's nature before watching it, but there was a clear turning point. Not long after all the dancers declare the island too hot and strip down to their smalls, a couple of girls have an argument and 'cat-fight'. It's a long lingering scene with lots of moist thighs and no shame.

So far I've hardly mentioned the spiders. Despite the short running time, they're barely in it. When first introduced it's as if there's a different director. It's eerily lit, and for such comparatively cheap effects quite effective. Mores the shame it only lasts for a few minutes. Regardless of the title this is just a subplot to the main 'action' on show. The horror element of the film is frequently put on hold, which seriously disturbs the pace and any chance of tension. Instead of any sustained story line we are treated to twenty minutes of an all night swinging bikini party.



If you hadn't already guessed, the characters are wafer thin. I'd go so far as to say the woman don't have characters. They start as objects, then look helpless, then shed their clothes, and do a little screaming. The quality of the dialogue is atrocious. A simple example will illustrate the point. On arrival they search for other people and soon find a hammer. Gary remarks, "It must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal, most probably uranium." Yes Gary, those speciality handheld uranium hammers are very recognisable. It couldn't just be a regular hammer from the hardware store, or are you trying to imply something Mr Screenwriter?

While this is all a little before my time, the star of the film is arguably Barbara Valentin, a confident sassy blonde, described as an icon of Munich gay scene. Many of the other actresses have only a few films to their name. Careers aside they are all very attractive and so fill the roles admirably. The male actors just look happy to be there, in an equal state of undress. It's hard to fairly judge the acting due to the poor dubbing, and woeful script. Let's just say it's nothing to write home about.



If you can navigate your way through the deeply subtle script, bare chested men in neckerchiefs, point and shoot cinematography, objectification of woman, pointless over-descriptive dialogue, sleazy jazz music (actually quite cool), and a laughable hybrid spider monster with make-up straight out of The Wolf Man, you're a stronger person than I am. This was a struggle. Fleetingly amusing for it's blatantly dirty style, somewhat offensive for it's porno characterizations (keeping women's lib chained to the kitchen sink), and an interesting seedling for the exploitation era that would explode throughout the sixties and seventies. I must admit it feels a little ironic posting this review on international woman's day. Welcome to sexploitation - fifties style. Gotta say, these woman simply don't have enough fur to be truly sexy. I don't know what all the hub-bubs about.

[2.4/10 | 1,039 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Most Fun - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst of the Worst - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#81 Astro-Zombies (1968)

A women drives home and is stabbed to death by a man in a skull like mask. A group of toy robots and a toy tank battle on the sidewalk by a smoke machine. A seemingly dead man is dragged away from his wrecked car. A tape recorder rewinds. Another man drives down the freeway. In his next feat, director Ted V Mikels will attempt to tie these unrelated plot strands (from the first five minutes of the movie) together. Except for the robots. I mean really, what the heck was that about? Although it made a hilarious title sequence, and is possibly my favourite scene of all.

Sadly the promise of a title such as Astro-Zombies isn't lived up to. There are no flesh eating creatures, a la George Romero. Nor are there any direct links to space. The first glimmer of a plot comes when we here CIA agents talk about a Doctor DeMarco (John Carradine), dismissed from the Space Agency for his experimentation on humans. He was working to create artificial people, using mechanical organs, that could be remotely controlled to conduct space missions. Naturally he continued his misguided experiments in a dungeon like basement, with a mute, short, hairy, immigrant assistant, named Franchot, and using the cadavers of criminals to create these prototpye 'Astro-Zombies'. Maybe those toy robots are a cunning metaphor for these manmade, brainless creatures. I could watch them for hours.



When Doctor DeMarco's first creation goes on a murderous rampage, rather than being the great benefit to mankind he envisaged, it gets the full attention of the CIA. He is also targeted by a group of unknown spies out for his scientific secrets. Headed by the iconic Tura Satana (best known from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!), a tedious game of cat and mouse investigations is played out. Satana (also the name of her character) commands attention with her striking long, thick eyelashes, and high slit silky dresses. A femme fatale looking as though she'd wandered off a Man From UNCLE set. Unfortunately she turns in an atrociously flat performance that stands out amongst a largely mediocre cast.



Astro-Zombies is very much a product of it's time, and one of the tamer, earlier exploitation films that were churned out on a tight budget for maximum bums on seats. It even has a kind of warning alarm when the killers attack, so you know when to shut your eyes. Although, aside from some brief gore in the finale, there's nothing all that gruesome even for the year. On the point of gratuitous bits, it's amusing to watch the lengthy dancing topless painted lady scene. It was still a time where that thin veneer of minority culture was necessary for a little titillation. No matter how irrelevant to the plot.

One thing I love about this period is the rich colours, oranges, reds, and the warm auburn tone of the film. It goes hand in hand with the tidy suits, JFK haircuts, attractive redheads, and sets made mostly from painted MDF. In terms of the special effects quality it does 'get by', but there is nothing to impress. The Astro-Zombies themselves look rather like Halloween masks. Fans of all things camp may find something to enjoy; certainly Satana's outfits would be a good starting point.



If this film was more widely circulated I predict that the phrase 'I'd rather watch paint dry' would soon be replaced by, 'I'd rather watch blood being drained from a cadaver.' Indeed, director Mikels is certainly not afraid to hold a shot for as long as it could possibly take to watch whatever isn't happening at the time. Let me paint you a picture. Dr DeMarco examines his solar powered mechanical heart with a lamp (light source) switched on. He switches the lamp off and notes the heart slow to a stop. He switches it on again. His assisent Franchot comes over, and the doctor gives a simple yet detailed explaination of the device. DeMarco turns the lamp off, then goes and fiddles with some circuitry on another table. Franchot looks at the heart and turns the lamp on. Watches. Then turns it off. DeMarco closely examines a microchip held in a pair of tweezers. Franchot turns the lamp on. DeMarco spouts a little technobabble about the circuits. Franchot looks at the circuits. DeMarco goes to fiddle with the settings on a large dialed instrument. Franchot smiles at the circuits. DeMarco.... GET ON WITH THE MOVIE!



This is sadly what occurs in almost all of John Carradine's scenes, and the excitement levels rarely increase throughout the movie. Carradine's suitably gaunt figure and strong delivery are wasted. As you can tell, some will find this an excellent insomnia cure. However, while at first this leaden story feels like torture, it soon becomes surprisingly funny. There's something cruelly hilarious about the poorly crafted stereotypes, and hackneyed production. Give this script to a trendy modern director like, dar I say it - McG, and this would probably be over in ten minutes. Give it to Spike Jonez and it could be a masterpiece full of toy robots. Lovin' those robots. Whereas Mikels doesn't seem to know what to do with it at all.



The objective part of my brain is telling me this is awful, but it also had me in hysterical disbelief. Perhaps a suitable candidate for the now reformed Mystery Science Theatre 3000 crew - now producing under the name Cinematic Titantic [/end plug]. If you enjoy these silly films as much as I do, then it makes for half decent entertainment with a few like minded friends. For most the slow pace and confusingly presented plot will be a major turn-off. I've still no idea why or where the bikini babe strapped to a table came from, went, or was going to be used for? On the other hand there is something endearing about it in an Ed Woodian kind of way.

Amazingly writer and director Ted V Mikels made a remake/sequel called Mark of the Astro-Zombies in 2002. It even starred Tura Satana.

[2.4/10 | 796 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Tasty Fish - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Steaming Turd - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#82 Galaxina (1980)

As I watch my way through some of the most disliked films on the planet, I take care to give them as fair a hearing as possible. One way of doing this is to not research or read anything about the film before actually watching it. It's something I like to do with all films. Without too many expectations or pre-connotations, it allows the film to speak for itself.

Galaxina starts with a Star Wars style roll of text setting the scene. Unfortunately set at such an angle that I had significant trouble reading it, admittedly on a smaller television. No problem I thought, as there was a second scene setter from a voice over; introducing us to the police spacecraft Infinity and it's ragtag crew in the year 3008. Along with it's grand classical music, and sweeping shots of model spaceships and space, I wondered if I was in for a 2001 wannabe. However, the crew were quirky to say the least, giving off more of a Dark Star vibe than anything else. Perhaps I've stumbled onto to an under-rated maverick, artsy, low-budget, intellectual film? It wasn't until nearly 15 minutes into the film, and the introduction of a character named Captain Cornelius Butt, I realised this was supposed to be a comedy. Yes, Galaxina is a 'wacky' spoof of popular films of the time, such as Star Wars, Alien, and Star Trek - but not as we know it.

Storywise, things are rather sparse, allowing more time to focus on characters for the jokes. Essentially the crew of the Infinity have been ordered to find a mystical artifact named The Blue Star, after an encounter with an alien they believe may know it's whereabouts. They never really say what this Blue Star is though. What use or threat it may be. How it suddenly surfaced. All we know is that every time someone says 'Blue Star', we get a fanfare chorus of 'Aaaahhaaaahhh!' in the background, and all the characters look around perplexed by the noise. Eventually that almost becomes funny, but it hasn't dated well.



In fact, that's probably the best description for most of the film. Much of it feels both dated and poorly realised. Jokes run on too long. There's an over reliance on rehashed crudity, like sticking a paper bag over an alien prostitutes head. Thinking that just by having an extra dressed like Mr Spock, with odd shaped ears, and calling him Mr Spot... well.. it just isn't funny if they're not going to make an effort. Strangely, there are a lot of situations ripe for good laughs; the cannibal restaurant was an enormously missed opportunity. What's missing is solid punchlines and delivery, further harmed by the drawn out pace as they try to stretch the material to 90 minutes. An odd by product of all this is many of the intended funny scenes feel very weird and alien. A prime example being Captain Butt taking great pleasure throwing an alien prisoner's food at him; an alien that eats rocks. It bypasses funny moving quickly to bizarre police brutality.



The characters by and large are unsympathetic. Captain Butt (Avery Schreiber) is a pompous, authoritarian. Private Buzz (JD Hinton) is an imbecilic dodgers fan, dressed like he's heading down the rodeo. Sergeant Thor (Stephen Macht) doesn't really have a character, whilst his subplot is about his growing infatuation with the service android that runs the ship. Bringing me finally to Galaxina; an android in female form that would short more than a few of Data's circuits. She is played by Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten, who went on to become Playmate of the Year 1980. While her acting CV is short, she certainly has all the requirements for prancing about in skimpy maid outfits, and a skintight latex jumpsuit. It's hard to know if she's a wooden actress or trying to act the part of an emotionless, mute, android. Thankfully for her, the role probably covers a multitude of sins. Allowing us more time to focus on the assets she was hired for. Besides, the average standard of acting here is, well, average to be generous. So no one's really out of place.



A lot of the best characters and material come from the supporting cast. For instance, there is a completely random pipe smoking Chinaman just sat in the ships hold. Probably the funniest person in the film by virtue of being so out of place. The obligatory villain is also enjoyably over the top. Dressed in robes and a mask with a big booming voice, looking like he's lost his way out of a Greek tragedy. He's actually one of the better looking aliens in the film, as they start to look cheaper the further you get through the film. It's not that the effects are outright bad, I quite like much of the design in the Inifinity, more that they clearly have a limited budget. There's a certain amount of charm in it, and you have to remember this is 1980. Some of the cinematography is surprisingly good. One amusing cut corner is the use of sound effects for doors and red alerts taken from Star Trek.



It seems clear than writer director William Sachs was going for a laddish jaunt round the universe, full of 'out there' situations, and misfit characters. Whereas the final product is a mish mash of poorly edited, flat gags, unnatural dialogue, and incongruous arty scenes like an opera singing frog-women. When the competition at the box office that month is Airplane, the difference in quality is put into sharp perspective. Galaxina can't even compete with The Ice Pirates. Sadly the most notable thing about it is the tragic murder of it's leading lady, soon after the film's release, at the tender age of 20. Despite having savaged the film, I didn't hate it. It simply failed to deliver in a pretty big way. There will most likely be a niche audience that get a few kicks from it, but on the whole it's safer to save your pocket money.

[2.4/10 | 748 votes | stats from 4th Jan 2008]

So far:
Big Cigar - #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Humble Pie - #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

#83 American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)

Face it. Bad movies will always be around. For every Atonement, you get a Transformers. Or should that be the other way around? That's the point, isn't it. One persons Champagne is anothers Special Brew. But since it's there, why not give it a try once in a while. You might be surprised. The American Ninja series is most definitely cheese. You can smell it a mile off. Somewhere between Miami Vice and Street Fighter you'll find this low budget beat 'em up series. After the modestly successful first installment, and the very so-so sequel, the third film sees changes to the previous cast and crew.

Michael Dudikoff has left, requiring a new lead character to be written in. Sean Dadivson, played by former karate champion David Bradley, happens to be another American raised in the arts of the ninja. Told in a remarkable flashback full of dry ice. He also happens to be an old friend of Curtis Powerhouse Jackson (Steve James - from the previous movies), and bumps into him at a Karate Championship. Despite the contrivances, Bradley makes for an equally good (read okay) lead.



The other big change is in the form of a new, and arguably better, director Cedric Sundstrom. American Ninja 2 had a very point and shoot feel about it. Whereas now there's a stronger emphasis on lighting and shadows. The overall feel is more in line with modern standards, so easier on the eye. The action scenes also have a little more urgency and realism about them, with less weapons than before; getting back to martial arts basics. I've only seen the previous movie, and know that fans generally view it as better. American Ninja 3 made it into the IMDB bottom 100 for a start, with part two escaping that embarrassment. Despite that I think the positions should be reversed, although there's very little in it. They're both dumb.

Plot-wise, we've moved on from the dreaded nemesis 'The Lion' of the second film, and now have to contend with 'The Cobra'. Sean (Bradley) discovers this ruthless businessman, who researches germ warfare to sell to terrorists, whilst searching for his kidnapped Ninja Master - kidnapped by ninjas of course. It's a simple linear story of investigation, but with that slower paced, night time moody atmosphere that 80s did so often. There's some mystery to hold the attention. However, it's still dogged by some fairly flat dialogue, and the supporting cast is weak, leading to some interminably dull scenes. Good job they threw in some random microlite action to spice things up. There's even a very prominant bit of 'Kilroy was here' graffiti for those that remember such things. Chuck in some personal tragedy and leave to fester.



On the downside, you may find yourself somewhat desensitized to ninjas by the end of it. They are literally wall to wall, appearing from thin air, and the plot gives no explanations as to why all these ninja are working for these nutters. Where do they come from? Is there a discount for buying in bulk? Another unfortunate side effect is that after seeing so many ninjas taken down by two guys, they start to lose their reputation. Maybe the next American Ninja will be a young Macauley Culkin, aka 'The Stoat'?

It would be very easy for me to deride this for lack of originality; the flying into the sunset shots, catching arrows with their bare hands, that last second burst of energy just at the brink of losing everything. The synthy soundtrack is also better left alone. I think the makers knew their limitations and simply decided to make a few bucks. A bit cynical, but there you go. The end product is a reflection of all the excesses of that era, done on the cheap. If your a fan of the 80s (as I am) then it's actually quite fun. Amongst the wooden acting, video game plots, mindless fighting, endless ninjas, and Curtis Jackson's quips, there is enough schoolboy charm and sillyness to keep me watching and amused. Fans of films like Roadhouse would probably find this hammier, but a laugh. It sure ain't art, but what the heck. If you want some bone crunching throwaway giggles, there is worse out there.

[2.6/10 | 1,184 Votes | as of 17th July 2007]

So far:
Best film – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst film – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)